My Mind is My Own Worst Enemy
To begin with, I’m on the Autism spectrum, diagnosed during adulthood, and my successes academically disguised my deficits. Besides some issues with sensory overload, I cannot read people’s emotions. That led to a lot of problems which led me to develop a negative view of myself. The result I call my fourteen years of isolation. I was so socially shy that I would withdraw socially before experiencing more rejection.
But, I was very fortunate on two counts. The first was meeting a man and his wife. He worked in the lab I was a researcher in, and was a great technician. He and his wife were old time hippies, and the acceptance they gave me was wonderful They gave me the strength to accept myself and also learn some neurotypical habits to break out of my cage. So, by twenty eight, and still a virgin, began to date. It was rough but was making progress.
Then the second great breakthrough happened.
I signed up for a trip and the leader sent everybody a list of participants and suggested people carpool. Noticing a woman living in a city I’d be traveling through, I did the unthinkable, to me, and called her to see if she would want to ride together.
She has the most beautiful phone voice and I was hooked. We drove in my car and had a nice journey to get to know each other. During that time I learned that she was sexually experienced. Now, you need to understand that desperately shy guys are near petrified at having our inexperience exposed – a rejection of sorts, even if it is self-rejection. But between car problems and finding a campsite, my mind did not latch onto that self defeating idea. We had a wonderful evening and because of space decided to share a tent.
Thinking that we had something going, I asked her if she would like to make love. Again, realize that my mind thinks differently, so my idiot inner voice heard NO, when she answered in the affirmative.
Luckily, I refused to believe my inner voice, and approached her again and she eagerly assented. I was thunderstruck that any woman would accept me sexually. And, for me, on the spectrum, It was like discovering that I had magic powers when I was able to excite her.
We fucked like hamsters until we were worn out and I thought it was magical when I could make her orgasm repeatedly with my tongue. That very personal acceptance really started my healing, and I can remember my previously lonely life without PTSD like emotions washing over me. Sexual healing at its most positive.
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