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There are a lot of things that I feel I …

There are a lot of things that I feel I’m always going to be holding in, like the fact that even though I don’t starve myself anymore doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. I know I already lost that war, and that to do it again would just be another resignation of my control. I know that I’m never going to be able to identify with my family the way I wish I could. On the outside i’m an optimist, like I want to be. On the inside, i’m a girl running to hide under the covers. I know that we’re never promised tomorrow and that I very well may never get to do all of the things I want to do in my life, and I’m terrified of being held back or settling down the way everyone else in my life has. I know that my mom will never support my passions the way I want her to, and my dad will never care for and understand me the way I need him to in order to have a stable relationship. I know that each time I’ve fallen in love, I’ve lost a huge piece of my love with it because I feel like I’ve wasted so much energy investing in someone who doesn’t reciprocate. But I know that I still love opening up to the guy I consider to be the my best friend, and someone I could love, even though I know he doesn’t feel the same. But most of all, I know that it shatters me knowing that there is not a single person in this world I would want to know about all of the thoughts that run through my head. Because somehow, living with the damage of bottling them up is better than facing the disappointment, denial, and pity from everyone.

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