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Hi everyone or anyone reading this…

Hi everyone or anyone reading this. I am not here to showcase my writing talent or write fiction. In fact I hate writing. I am here to tell you my life and how I live it everyday. I need an outlet a place to let it out and express emotions without regret. My name is anonymous and I am in my early twenties. I have 3 siblings 2 brothers and one sister. I live with my parents in a small town outside a big city. I work and go to school like the average adult my age. I live in a quiet neighborhood and have a pet like most people I know do. I have goals, dreams and share a smile with the world like most people I see. Yet, unlike most people my home is one filled with violence and fear. I guess it all starts with our parents and their history. They were raised very different from us and grew up very poor. Let me start with the problem of all problems, my father. He was born in the sixties in Mexico.

His mother died when he was 3 and his father was a man with no integrity who use to beat his mother or so we hear from other family members. His father re-married, but my dad tells horrible stories of this woman. She would leave him to starve for days and they always fought with each other. Even though his dad could have stood up for him he never did. Nor did he ever take care of him which is why he re-married so another woman would take on that burden. So I guess he grew up cold and with a tortured mind of his own. I think he holds a dark secret because someone as cruel as him can’t be that cruel without a motive. Or maybe not. Maybe he lacks any sort of emotion and violence is the only thing that makes him feel even thought that feeling is anger. I think that’s the definition of a psychopath. He was always violent. He moved in with a woman when he came to the U.S. and had a baby girl with her. From what I hear from my half sister is that he use to beat her mom. He was a jealous maniac whom even though was loved by that woman had too many issues to be in a relationship with her. They split up but they each tell their own story of who left who. Regardless the point is he was willing to go. Eventually he moved to Illinois with my mom.

Ah yes my dear sweet mother. She has it worst than anyone I know. Her story is beyond unbelievable it sickens me and makes tears run down my face just writing it. She was born over 40 years ago around the same town as my father in Mexico. She had both parents and 9 siblings. She was the youngest and the most loved by her parents according to her. Unfortunately for her, her brothers did not feel the same. She was raped by 3 of them at the age of 9 and let down by all of them. They have watched her suffer in this house and done nothing to defend her. I despise them. They are worthless and deserve no forgiveness or mercy. I wish they would rot in prison, but she won’t say anything because she doesn’t want carry that around in the open for people to judge her. I can’t understand why she can’t I can’t understand why she cares if they hurt or die I will never understand I can only try and protect her. So she moved to the U.S. when she was 14 and at 21 decided she wanted children so she moved in with the next guy she dated and had 4 children. He obviously showed no signs of violence towards her while dating and he didn’t even drink at that time. Things took a turn after the first born which is me.

I was born in 1994 my brother in 1997 my sister in 2001 and my other brother in 2004. I grew up seeing my dad come home drunk every weekend and beat my mom. I watched as he struck her and then slammed the door in my face to go away. I heard as she screamed from the next room and I had to hide under the kitchen table or carry my siblings to hide behind the couch. I remember a certain time when he was in my room beating her and I opened the door to tell him to stop and when I did I saw how he had his hands on her throat choking her and her faced bruised. I remember him closing the door and me running to my siblings so they would close their eyes and think of a better place. I remember that each time he was done he would go over to me sit me on the couch and tell me why he did what he did as if there was a reasonable explanations for his wrong doing. I remember nodding my head teeth clenched and looking down. More than half of the times he was drunk and he’d come home to beat her, but it seems that some times he’d drink when he was upset to purposely beat her and make drinking his excuse. So I grew up hating him while still relying on him for clothing, food and shelter. I grew up cold and tortured like them. Seems to run in the family. I grew up distracted at school, making excuses to bully people just to feel in control of them, scared to go home, and even more scared not to. Every time the weekend grew near I would think “Could this time be the last time or maybe he will change” or “This time could also be the time where he goes to far. Where she fights back and ends up killing him”. Nothing like that has happened but clearly it could I mean shit gets so crazy and crazy fast I don’t know whats happening until after it has happened. I’ve grown to push people away and trust no one. I hate that their problems are my problems as if I don’t have my own problems. I do have problems. Juggling to much has led me to therapy, but who has the time for that when my time is spent watching over my siblings. I play the role of mom, dad, sister, and right now I’m trying to be what the IRS calls “Head of Household”. I like to think of it as a wolf pack. My father is the old Alpha who needs to retire as an Omega. I have decided to take his old position of Alpha since I was 17 and lead them to sanity and a healthy environment. They listen to me, they come to me with problems, they obey me, they are loyal to me. My mom isn’t capable of such a role because I can see she is struggling with her inner self. So I had no choice but to take these roles. I don’t mind as much as other young adults might. I am happy when I am with them. I take them to school activities, provide educational information, help with school work, cook at times and take them out for a fun day. I spend most weekends home. I have plenty of hobbies. Most of which I could only do once every three months. I am a parent of 3 children and one adult. Im not saying this to receive a medal or because I think I’m some kind of hero. NO. I am saying this to let it out to let myself say it without saying it to them. I would never change the role I play to live my life. I could never leave them I am here because I can shut things off emotionally and put on a brave face for them. I am their support system and I can handle that. At least I think I can. I can because they are such great kids!. My sister is so smart and beautiful she is my little angel and I am so proud of her. The oldest of my two little brothers is in college trying to become somebody in life without showing how hurt he actually is. He is lost and scared I can feel it. He was bullied at an early age and struggle with it everyday. He doesn’t know how to act or what to do. I have to work very hard with him to get him to move on with his life. But I’m starting to think I am not good enough and he needs psychological help. He too remembers seeing the punches. Let me be clear my father no longer beats my mom ever since I turned 13. I think it is because he thinks I will call the cops on his ass. Which I will. Now he just verbally abuses her and instead of hitting her hits my brother. They fight constantly and fight each other. He is now 18 but he doesn’t have the build to fight a grown ass man. I’m scared he will turn out to be like my father because he is so tormented by him. I try my best to stop them and I do every time I am home. But now word has got around that my brother said he wanted to kill himself because of his living conditions. And I admit I have picked fights with him over the things he struggles with, but only because I thought he could handle such fights. Now I hear that he would take his life if he knew how. I was devastated when I found this out yesterday. I will NOT lose my brother over my fucked up father. I refuse to have him think that way. I want the problem solved now I want us to move away and start a normal life. I wish I could but nothing is free in life and we have no money to move. But that doesn’t matter we will be moving soon I can’t have my brother thinking those dark thoughts. Then there’s my youngest brother. The spoiled one by our dad. He is the baby of the family and knows it too well. I look at him and see too much of my father in him and I don’t want that. I want him to be a regular little kid who thinks about cars and his favorite tv show. Instead I see anger issues and no motivation for school work. I see fear in his eyes but with such bravery when my parents fight he jumps in to try and stop them. This little 10 year old boy in between 2 grown people can you imagine? He shouldn’t have to do that I tell him not to but he cares and that’s why he does it. I don’t know how to survive like this any longer. It takes a lot out of me each time my parents fight. He is so aggressive and has horrible jealous fits. He threatens to beat her and I watch as he says those words but quickly looks at me as I’m standing there waiting for him to do so. He hasn’t he won’t while I am present he knows better than to lay one finger on my mother. Now he will learn to not lay a finger on my brother I will not put up with him beating him any longer. I lay here sitting in my room on a saturday night wishing that my only problems were finding a boyfriend to watch the new Avengers movie with. Haha how stupid those little things seem. How stupid it is to fight over petty things and to fight with me over them. I get so much shit for not going out or not wanting to meet a guy. I get upset but instead of telling them why I just laugh in my head. I laugh at their mistakes because they can afford to make them. I laugh at the dumb ideas that circle their heads. What should I buy beer or hard liquor?” “Should I sleep with him and give him another chance?” or my favorite “He promised me he’d never do it again.” It is sad to watch so many of my friends take shit from guys when they have two great role models as parents. I could never take the amount of crap my dad did to my mom from a guy. I have lived all my life with jealous rages, fights, lies, and abuse why would I want to live like that with some guy. I can only hope for the best. I can only hope one day my mother can walk outside feel the fresh air and smile at me saying she is now happy and free. I can only hope I can say my siblings and I can say that as well.

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