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My biggest regret is not fucking my sister

My biggest regret is not fucking my sister

I had no idea that, at the age of around 5, it was wrong to wash my mother’s boobs and genitalia while she lay in the bath. I could see that she really liked it, so I continued to do it for as long as she asked me to. It was always when dad was out of work, obviously. I don’t know if she had been groomed or abused as a child and she was simply doing the same with me, that she had enjoyed it, and wanted to pass this sense of enjoyment on to me. She died 20 years ago, so I can’t ask her. Whatever, despite seeing this sort of thing play out in films and plays, with the ‘big reveal’ at some point, these aren’t usually the questions one asks ‘family’ because you won’t be believed or because you don’t want to upset the apple cart. “Mum, why did you let me put my fingers between your legs and lather your tits when I was 5”?

I do know that she did everything she could to encourage me to have sex with my sister. Between the ages of about 10 to 13, my sister, who was 3 years younger than me, was encouraged by my mum to lie in the same bed, where we would draw on each other’s backs with our fingers, outlines of trees, houses, cars, that sort of thing. Soon, when we got back from school, we would playfight. This would usually consist of me holding her down while I rubbed against her until I came. She must have felt my hard on against her ass, but at aged 8 or 9 she wouldn’t have had a clue what it was. I suppose.

I’m not sure if the rest of the family knew what we were up to. She would lie on the floor at my feet with a blanket over her legs while we all watched TV and she was blatantly fingering herself. I could smell her. This was usually a cue for me to leave the room, go upstairs and wait in my dark bedroom to pounce on her, for more playfights, until I came. But we never had full on sex. No blow jobs, no penetration, not even a kiss.

Eventually, I discovered other girls as I used to go out with my mates and so I suppose it was inevitable that in that sense I would start to experiment outside of the house. But I quickly realised that my biggest and best hard-ons were with my sister. I remember going off on holiday once with a girlfriend, when I was 18. I couldn’t find my sunglasses and my sister offered to help. But she just stood there, back against the wall, wearing a very low cut top and a skirt, smiling at me. I walked over and looked down her cleavage and said something like “I would think my sunglasses haven’t get lost if there, have they”? That’s the moment I should’ve acted. She would’ve been 15, then. When you know, you know. I sent her a postcard while I was away on holiday telling her that we would continue when I got back.

I went off to university. In my second year, I had my own little flat and my mum asked me if my sister could come and stay with me and maybe look for a job at a hotel or something. I said yes! Even if it only lasted a week, it would perhaps get this desire and lust out of my system. She was 16 by then. My mum arranged for my best friend to drive her down but for some reason it didn’t happen. I never found out why. I know my best friend wanted to have her so maybe that got in the way on the drive down. Perhaps she didn’t get in the car. Perhaps my dad suspected something. Anyway, my sister ended up working in London for a year. I found out her address and sent letters, giving her the telephone number for the phone box 50yds from my flat, telling her the time I would be at the phone box, but she never rang or returned my letters.

Finally, when I was 22, I took my new girlfriend back to the family home to meet everyone. My girlfriend slept downstairs in the living room, and I was alone in my old bedroom. Up came the usual hard-on knowing my sister was just along the landing. I got up and wearing only my undies, I crept into her room and stood next to the bed and started to masturbate. This was a big deal to me, as you can imagine. It was around 2am. I have never been so excited in my whole life. She stirred a little and turned her back on me. Was that a way of encouraging me into her bed? She was 18 or 19 now and surely experienced and I was 100% convinced that she would be up for it, Even if it was just oral sex.

Anyway, I’d forgotten that my dad was working nights and I heard the front door unlock. Instant deflation. I heard him come up the stairs and go into the toilet next door, me just standing there by my sister’s bed, still with my hands down my pants but no hardon. I crept back to my room when he went off to his bedroom. The next morning neither me or my sister acknowledged what had taken place. I can only speak for myself. I wish I’d carried on wanking and got into that bed once dad had gone to his room. I wish we had had sex all night, in the bed, up against the wall, on the carpet. Damn it. I think then, and now, that I would have to be the one to instigate it. It would have to be me that went in for the first big kiss, to stick my tongue in her mouth, to grab her big tits. I thought that the first time, the sex would maybe last 20 seconds. I would cum that quickly. I was sure of it. I regretted the missed opportunity at university so much, as we could have practiced and got good at this sex thing. It’s still my biggest regret.

Anyway, it’s now over 40 years later. I finally plucked up the courage to message her on the phone. I asked her if I had woken her up the night I crept into her room during the night. She sent back 2 smiley face emojis. One of ‘joy’ and one of ‘sweat’. I took that to mean that she panicked and didn’t know what to do. On the other hand, she could just be crap at using smileys.

Incest? Sure. I suppose you could say we were groomed. Funny thing is, I don’t regret any of it, because it felt so good, the little we got up to, anyway. I only regret that missed opportunity when I was at university. I don’t really see what is wrong with a brother and sister shagging, to be honest. It’s sex. Parents and children, definitely not. We probably would’ve moved on to pastures new after a while, as lots of people do after the ‘thrill has gone’. That’s life. I knew two boys at school who told me that their sisters regularly sucked them off. There are lots of countries in the world where brother and sister sex is legal. France for one, A couple of states in the USA. Check it out. Stop overreacting when you read a story about brothers and sisters experimenting sexually. It’s far less of a problem than vaping, drugs and booze. Isn’t it?

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