I am a 19 year old girl. 2 years ago I was at a friends party and she introduced me to her boyfriends at that party. I maybe talked to him like once or twice at that party. That was the first time we Alex. After couple of months my friend comes to my house like she usually does and she kept talking about that things between her and Alex were not going well and then he started to sending me snaps and shit. Then they broke up.
One day when she was at my place again he messaged me saying that he likes me and wants to know me better. And I said ok (since i’m not an angle). The day after we met and talked and he said can we be together I said maybe. As straight as that. But my friend didn’t know about it. One day he invited me to his place. I went and he asked me again and I said yes but I didn’t really like him. I guess I did it because I felt extremely lonely I still do. Anyways.. and then we had sex. it was awful it lasted like 4 seconds. But i kept seeing him and we started to get along together well but I still didn’t really like him that much. One day my friend came to me saying that I want to try getting back together with him again and I said yeah that’s a great idea. And then she talked to him and he fucking asked me how I feel about it? I said I’m cool with that. Which I was cos I didn’t like him that much and it was obvious that he didn’t like me either. But yeah they started dating again and at his birthday he invited us both. Then when we were in the party he stops me and kisses me saying how much he misses me. And I said nothing like I do always. Then we had sex while she was in the other room. I know it sounds horrible but at that time I didn’t really care. Then I felt like I don’t wanna share him even if I don’t like him that much. So I said to my friends brother that he asked me out and I said no. And then he told her sister. But Alex took all of the responsibility and said that it was him who asked me and wanted to get together with me, which is true. And then we kept seeing each other and he started to call me all the time, act like my boyfriend and we saw each other almost everyday and it felt very overwhelming.
Whenever he told me he loves me I couldn’t say I love him back and whenever he started to act like we were a couple I let him down. One day he asked me what are we? He said we see each other real often, kiss, even fuck but why you act like we are nothing ? I said i have a bad feeling that I betrayed my friend and that’s why I cant be with you. Which was totally a lie. I just thought that he doesn’t match me until quite recently that my mom got a job in another city so I invited him over very often and we started to have a great time together and great sex. And I don’t know why but I started to like him really much. I couldn’t stop thinking about him when I didn’t get to see him. And about two months ago he stopped writing messages to me or call me and suddenly it was always me who asked to be with him or see him. And one day I asked him why wouldn’t he treat me the way he did before. Didn’t he wanna see me anymore? He said that it was you who wanted us to be “friends with benefits” now we are friends. You must be happy. He said I DID love you but now you are just a friend. And that hurt me so bad. The thing is that I can’t blame him because it was me who wanted us to be like this. Actually not exactly like this because he doesn’t even say “Hi” to me anymore but yeah. And now I catch myself thinking about him and missing him all the time and i tried, I really did try to talk to him and make things better but he doesn’t care for me anymore.
Now my proud doesn’t let me to humiliate myself anymore. The funny thing is that I still don’t believe that we match it’s just that my feelings for him have changed and now I want him very bad but I can’t have him. I don’t know what to do? Should I try to forget him or is it ok to swallow my proud and always be the one that calls him.