idk how to say it but from last month I feel like I’m not who i was anymore. I have changed a lot and I don’t know what is exactly happening with me its like I will kill my self if ill be like this . And I don’t know why and how it started I feel like lazy and lot of anger like to smash someone face if anyone argue with me. Sometimes I feel like I will smash my head into the walls also I have lot of fear inside me that make me sick. I have a fever also and I don’t when is this gonna stop. I’m very scared right now and I don’t have anyone to speak with and I think everyone will think that I’m crazy talking rubbish and all. But I know what I’m feeling and I very hard to explain to anyone. I have only 2 friends and they are my best friends but still I cant share my feeling to them because I don’t know how they will react when they hear about me all this crap. I try to keep myself busy like watching movie and tv shows and it works sometimes, it makes my feel better also I go out sometimes and I just want to be out forever because I feel like I’m alive when I’m outside the house it feels different for me but I don’t have anyone to go with. These days my family noticed that I have been changed I argue with them alot. I begin shouting on my family and its very not good for my attitude. The most important thing in my life is my family and I cant live without them but sometimes I feel like to live my own ways. So no buddy can judge me for what I’m doing. Basically my life sucks as much and I don’t know for whom and why I’m writing this all rubbish. Maybe this will make me feel better or something. The truth is that I’m the responsible for my problems. I don’t know how to deal with myself, and some people said to me once that I don’t know how to make friends and I’m not the person who people like to make friend with. And so far I can see that nobody likes me and I’m just a useless guy who no one cares about. Some people use me and when they job done they threw me like I was nothing just a trash, sometimes I say to myself why I cant be like other people and make friends. I’m too afraid to make new friends now because maybe I cant handle more pain in my life again. It like I’m cursed or something no one care about me, its just me and myself fighting alone with my problems. Nobody give a damn to me and that’s the true. I lost my all hopes, and my friends. All my life I failed in everything, some of my class student says that why your even here , you don’t belong here with us. They say that because they are better than me and how many times I’ve tried to prove myself to them that I’m better that them I failed. I am a loser and I will be always a loser that’s what they says about me. No one liked me in school. Even the teachers hates me. It’s like a hell to me and I cant blame anyone accept myself because I’m the one who made myself like this .
Hahaha..can’t believe someone like me is here. Well, I can pretty much relate to being used and then thrown away and the useless part. I use my drawings to relieve myself. I don’t go outside at all. A perfect image of a NEET. I watch anime, my life led me to watch it. I’ve just been so useless and too trusting that I can’t count just how many times I’ve been so desperate to kill myself. I’ve cried so much in the dark so no one can see me. I was being bullied in class during my elementary/highschool days. And thought of changing that kinda lifestyle in my college life. I’m planning to go to Japan and make fresh start. I’m going to become a digital manga artist. And make my life worth it. Don’t. You have things you want to do too? I can’t even count the times my parents slapped me with their hands, belt, hangers and slippers. I even find it amazing how I’m still alive after all that. Experiencing my best friends’ betrayal, not being acknowledged by your own parents, comparing you to others. I’m so sick and tired of everything as well so much that I’ll prefer the death over this one hell of a life. But I still have things I wanna do.in this life I can’t die yet. Surely there’s also one thing right? Something you wanna do? If you don’t, then search for it. Struggle for life. Remember. Everything, every pain has its scars however it will become proof that you endured it. I’m not saying that I’m strong, in fact I’m very weak. You can vent your anger and change it to determination. Keep on living. Be proud to live with scars. You can tell everything. There will always be someone who will listen and talk to you. Well, I’m one. Hahaha…sorry for the long lecture. Were you annoyed? Haha…well…you can keep on talking here in the comments bar. I will reply as soon as I see it.
Look friend, I don’t know whether you would read this comment or not but I may suggest you to ‘live’ your life.
YOU MAY FIND ANY INTERESTING WAY TO COME OUT OF IT ON YOUR OWN that way would be perfect and unique for a person so precious like you, JUST COME OUT OF IT, LAUGH AT YOURSELF ONLY TO LOVE YOURSELF THE WAY YOU ARE.
Living life is not just living, its a feeling of ‘feeling’ you are breathing. Start taking long breath and realize that it never use you rather you use it without even taking care of it or never thinking about it. I LOVE YOU FRIEND AND I LOVE ALL AS I READ THEIR STORIES AND YOU LOVE US AS YOU FEEL TO SHARE.
DO YOU KNOW NO ONE ELSE CAN LOVE US BETTER THAN OURSELVES.
IF YOU CAN NOT TOLERATE YOURSELF OR LOVE YOUR LIFE THEN HOW YOU EXPECT OTHERS TO RESPECT YOU.
COME OUT OF THIS BY ACCEPTING IT, ACCEPTING YOUR SITUATION AND ACCEPTING EVERYTHING IN AND AROUND YOU, THEN HUG THE BEST OF IT AND SHOW THE DOOR AND LET GO THE WORST. COME OUT BABY. COME OUT AND REJOICE. LOOK AT YOURSELF. HUG YOURSELF…
I’m Anasuya, and I love happiness and I accept pain and then find ways to see the light outside the tunnnel.
I’m also struggling, look I am procrastinating but I would stop this pain soon by leaving the website after completing this comment only to realize it that I read your story and wrote something for you so I INVESTED my time, my friend, I have not wasted it. I have a prince charming in my life who teach me each day to live alone and be grounded, since nothing is permanent, all are subject to change.