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I can’t breathe, I feel as though I am …

I can’t breathe, I feel as though I am trapped in a deep dark hole, consisting of nothing, nothing at all. Just when I tried to open my eyes and heart all I could see are the negatives. Perhaps the only thing that I am thinking about that is positive actively is possible getting the hell out of my current life, routine.

My mother is quite supportive, however she might be a contributing factor to my feeling of being trapped. She for many years tolerates the emotionally abusive creature as such, my father. I don’t understand what in a humans mind allows them to abuse another, and his own children. I asked my mother, and she replied
“It’s culture”

Thankfully I am the last child of the 6 that they had, the physical abuse didn’t reach me but reached my mother, sisters, and brothers. However the emotional abuse still continues. One whilst I was a baby, my sister whom was three and I were trapped in a room whilst my father was beating my eldest sister to the point of bones being broken blood, I do not personally remember this, however my sister that was holding me does.

Do not mistake me the emotional abuse that I am not good enough and will never be still continues. I also witness till this day the emotional abuse against my mother, it is sad that I am the only one in my family brave enough to stand up against him, as the physical abuse he once use to inflict still resonates in their hearts and memories.

I am 17 years old, and this is just the inside of my household. When I leave the house I am still looked at, due to the colour of my skin and what is on my head. High school is not really a pleasant experiment either, however due to strength of my willingness to be educated, I still continue. Despite the constant bullying and names being called out.

I need to escape but where?

One Comment

  1. It hurts me too, just to read it. I would report your father and though that might be hard and risky it’s what’s best. You all need to get away from the source of the problem or there will be no time to heal. I’m also trapped, but a different kind. I know the struggles of it though. You don’t know where to go or what help to seek. Your heart is broken but there’s no time to bleed like a poison is gripping your heart. I’m sorry that I’m not there to help you personally, but I would in flesh. The youngest, you feel powerless to make any change. But you have a weapon, as small things sometimes go unnoticed. You are plenty worthy, call yourself a ninja ok? A ninja because you are the warrior that must fight unseen. I too, often don’t feel like I’m enough…but I get glimpses that I’m wrong, you must too. You must know inside the truth. People may judge your skin, but don’t let them skin you. Their judgement is only skin deep. Anyone who judges a book by its cover doesn’t deserve to read one. You’re beautiful, I can’t see you, but I know it. Anyone who can live your life like you do is as beautiful as a flower. “…and what is on my head.” might it be religious? If so, be strong. If not so, still be strong. I’ve tried to wear a hijab, my parents swear I’m a disgrace dare I wear a hijab. It might not be you, but it’s me. I’ve been bullied always, but if you are better than them it’ll be ok. One day they’ll get slapped too hard and have to say sorry or dig their own grave. Don’t worry about them. Just remember you are beautiful and you have a mission to protect your loved ones that they may never understand. You are strong to walk and breathe, you are stronger than their hate. Just love and love will set you free. Agape.

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