I’ve had several women in my life that I’ve loved, but the biggest love of my life has repeatedly been my biggest mistake. Over several years, we’ve both torn the lives we had apart to be together, hurting a lot of others in the process. Every time we run into each other, it’s inevitable. It starts with occassional coffee, eventually a goodbye hug ends in a kiss that feels way too natural, then sex… then we’re living together again. And without fail, it ends in disaster. This time we won’t make the same mistakes. This time we will leave the past in the past. Never quite works out that way.

I’ve broken the hearts of three wonderful people due to my uncontrollable need for this girl. The collateral damage goes even further. My friends despise her, even the ones that have only heard the stories. But I loved her, in a way I’ve never loved anyone, matched only by how I hated her at times. When it was was good, I had a peace and a calm like nothing else. When it was bad, it was brutal.

We met up for one last coffee two years ago. We had split up a year before and I had since patched things up with the last girl I’d hurt because of her. It was great, we talked and laughed, and had a great time. The fire was there, it always is. But we just had coffee and talked. She was leaving the next day, moving out of state to be with her family. After coffee, we hugged, and I stood there and watched her drive away. It’s a weird thing, feeling relieved that it’ll never happen again, while your heart is breaking so hard you can almost hear it cracking.

We don’t text, Facebook, or anything else. We never spoke again. I’ve thought about it, pulled my phone out, tried to think of what I should text her, see how she’s doing. Then I put my phone back in my pocket and go about my day. I can feel it when she’s thinking about me, I can’t explain it, I just do.

I’m married now, I love my wife to death, best thing that’s ever come my way.
Honestly don’t know why she forgave me, then married me.
I hope like hell I never hurt her again.

Random strange doesn’t worry me, I don’t worry about falling in love with some chick and leaving my wife. Never happening, mostly because I’m a realist. Who girls see when they meet me is in no way the real me. Oddly enough, I pull off funny and charming amazingly well. I’m a controlling, neurotic mess with a TON of baggage and a questionable history, it takes a special kind of fucked up to stay with someone like me. My wife is that special kind of fucked up, and I adore her for it.

I know I will never see the other one again, she’s gone and not coming back. I’m very glad for that, my best chance at actually having a semi-normal relationship. I do miss her from time to time, and hate myself for it. Weird, wrote a good bit more than I planned to. Well, it’s late. G’nite moon…