I feel lonely and alone. It’s been like that for almost four years, basically since I started high school. Every day I wake up and feel emotionless, I don’t feel angry or sad or happy, nothing. I don’t pity myself but I think I deserve friends too. I’m not depressed either. I don’t know why I don’t have any friends but I don’t trust easily. My first day of high school was like the rest of the year. I didn’t fit in, nobody talked to me, just when they needed something. Now, three years later it’s the same. I’ve never had a best friend, just a friend that doesn’t like me actually. When we go out I try to make her laugh but she never laughs, she does everything behind my back. I wanted to go out so I asked her if she wants to go, she said yeah of course. Then tomorrow morning she said she can’t. Later I found out she went out with someone else. There’s one girl in my class that hangs out with me but only when we’re in school. I have no friends. Every time I see that girl from my class hanging out with someone she invites me. I tag along but again, nobody ever talks to me, they just ignore me. Other girls from my class talk to me only when they need something, money, homework, gums… I try to fit in but nothing works. I’ve tried to be nice and happy when I’m around them but they still don’t notice me. I’m talkative but how can I talk and make jokes when they don’t listen? I’ve never been approached by a guy or asked out, never had my first kiss. Never. I don’t consider myself ugly but it’s probably a reason why guys don’t like me. I don’t ask for a lot of friends, I just want one or two friends, is that too much? A couple of years ago peers used to insult me, almost always. Called me ugly, fat and all those rude names, I don’t take it to heart but when you hear it every day you start to believe it. Then it stopped for a year. I started high school and it started again. It does bother me now a little bit cause I should be enjoying my life but it brings me down and makes me think if I’ll ever have someone and what others think of me. The other day that girl from my class was staring at me and blurted out “how ugly can you get?”, then the next day she said “you’ll never have a boyfriend” and stuff like that. She always sends me screenshots of texts from guys that text her, calling her pretty, asking her out. I’m not jealous at all but it doesn’t feel nice when you’re the only person in class who’s never been kissed or asked out.
Sorry for the long “story” but I wanted to get it off my chest since I have no one to talk to. Thanks for reading. (:
