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Sex at 9 Destroyed My Life

I don’t know how to say this…I guess that I have to start with my age, I mean, what age you are does depend on how you accept things…I’m 13 in a few months I’m going to become 14, I live in Bulgaria, so I’m sorry if I have spelling errors…
This is something that I’m going through at the moment and I am SICK of it. I don’t know if it counts as a problem, but I know that it is tearing me apart.
To let you understand everything, I’ll start from the beginning.
I was a happy child (I still am, but you get it), I had no idea what hurt means….but, after I came back from a three year trip from England I had forgotten Bulgarian. I met this girl, who ‘helped’ me, she taught me Bulgarian again and I instantly thought that she was my friend and she was…sometimes. She would constantly make me do things that I wasn’t suppose to, like running from the house (at the age of 8) and staying up late, lying etc. I thought that I was being cool and being a ‘good friend’ by listening to her, but then…she asked me if I wanted to know what sex meant, have a nine year old curiosity I said yes and she played me porn, now, that wouldn’t have been that bad but a few days after she showed me what porn was…she said that she wanted to feel what sex felt like…and…we did it. Not that I wanted to do it, she made me, by saying that I was ‘a bad friend’ or ‘stupid’ if I didn’t listen to her…God, I WAS stupid. Anyway, a few days after ‘it’ I felt…bad…I knew that that was something that I shouldn’t have done, I didn’t tell anyone from fear of…something. After a lot of thinking I realized that it WAS bad and after googling it I found out about rape and how important and serious loosing your virginity is, so I stopped contact with her. Sadly, she was friends with half of my school and she told them. After that day I constantly got bullied by her and by my students. I did have friends and I thought that they were going to help me, but after they found out of what I’d done they stopped mending me and started creating the scars. Every school day was a living hell, I stopped studying, listening in school and my grades dropped. My parents didn’t do shit to help me, they actually blamed me for the hate (they still don’t know about me having sex at the age of 9), that I caused it by being, I quote ‘a stupid little brat’.
One day (I was 12 then) the worst happened. I was walking home until someone pushed me, it was my only friend left…let’s just say that she left deep cuts in me…
After that I wanted to die in a ditch somewhere, I didn’t care anymore, I had been pushed so much by everyone and was ready to die. But there was still a part of me that wanted to push on, a part of me that still had hope. I went to the place that I thought would help me: guidance counselor, but she only said the typical bullshit like: ‘Hang in there’ ‘You still have family’ ‘Tell your family’
I know that she tried to help me, but she didn’t.
As the school was ending I tried to get over my problems myself and after a month of trying and thinking I managed, I accepted my flaws and tried to be a better person, so, I got over the hate and removed everyone that was mean to me, I even made new friends. Now comes the depressing part. A few months ago I started year 7, in Bulgaria, year 7 is important, because it is the year where you do exams that tell you in which high school you’re gonna go, so I tried studying harder, by studying everything that I’d missed from 5th and 6th grade and I managed. Now I get B’s and A’s. But, for my parents I only get F’s. We haven’t done the test yet and I already have an F, I’m a whiny bitch, who only cares about herself…. I can go on for days with the things that they told me, but to be clearer, I have to say this: They are destroying the self-esteem that I just managed to build up and the hating and misery and dark thoughts are coming back…..
I only have one question: Do I deserve this?

4 Comments


  1. No you dont deserve this. I understand what would be going on with you. But you what make yourself in the way that no one can hurt your felling unlesa you allow. I mean stop expecting anything from your freind and parents. Do what ever makea you happy. Its not your fault if they want hurt you….just dont let them do it.

  2. No you dont deserve this. I understand what would be going on with you. But do
    what make yourself in the way that no one can hurt your felling unlesa you allow. I mean stop expecting anything from your freind and parents. Do what ever makea you happy. Its not your fault if they want hurt you….just dont let them do it.

  3. No you dont deserve this. I understand what would be going on with you. Make yourself in the way that no one can hurt your felling unless you allow them. I mean stop expecting anything from your freind and parents . Do what ever that make you feel happy. Its not your fault if they want hurt you….just dont let them do it easily best way ignore….

  4. I had sex too at a very young age, maybe 8 or 9. The school day is about to finish and then one of the girls in my class which I was friends with asked me if I wanted to come over and play. So I went to her house, we played abit and then her mum left (her dad was at work) so we had the house to ourselves basically. And then she proceeds to take of her clothes and start playing with her “boobs” and stuff and I’m just sitting there like what the hell is going on? And then she told me to take off my clothes too and we did it. It didn’t really feel bad or anything but after some days I got really scared about what happened. I wasn’t focused on school anymore and I couldn’t forget about that day. And still to this day I regret the decision cos I always think to myself “thank god she’s not pregnant” ?

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