Today felt like any other day. I felt happy for the littles things that surrounds me: the sunshines hitting my face through the window, the snow melting, leaving its place to grass, the birds singing, eating a good meal after an intense workout… You get the idea. Even so, I can’t help, but feel like tonight is like every other nights I had since a long while ago. I go to bed telling myself that I survived another day, I was able to live through another one. I don’t understand why I feel like I do. I don’t understand why I can enjoy so many little things and yet, feel dead from the inside.
I feel like there is a snowstorm going on in my head at all time. Except there is no snow, only thoughts. And like any snowstorm, if you put your focus on one snowflake, you can catch it and look where it is going. But you can do so with one snowflake at a time only. My problem is that I don’t have enough concentration to look at one snowflake only. My mind never stops seeing every little snowflakes and tries to capture them all. This ends with me having only a glimpse of what the snowflake really is about.
My hearth as been broken countless times and every time it took me some time, but I always ended up feeling slightly better and enough so to start dating again. This time is different. Even though we weren’t officially a couple, I lived only to see his good morning texts, to have him tell me how he loves me and have him do every littles things you wan’t in a relationship. Most of the time, I can forget all about him, but then my mind stops on one little thought about him and the emotional breakdown happens again as if I had been left yesterday.
I wish I could feel angry at him, even hate him, but I can’t. I never hated anyone in my life, I don’t keep grudges very long. I feel so alone and empty without him. I know that I should start to love myself and feel whole alone before being well with someone else. But I can’t stop feeling like I do, can I? It’s been almost two months. He told me he was a wreck from his last relationship and that he didn’t felt like seeing someone so soon. But yet, I found him on Grindr looking for something serious a week after he ended it with me. I try to feel better knowing through his friends that what he has right now is quite strange, but I can’t stop feeling wrong knowing he is with someone else.
Never in my life have I ever felt so at ease with someone, so at peace. From the first time we met we were already meant to be together. It wasn’t awkward when we first cuddled nor was it awkward the first time we kissed. It felt right. Never have I had that feeling before. People will tell me that I need to try dating more, that I just haven’t found the right one yet. Well, I can tell you that I dated at least 60 guys this last year… He is the only one I felt well with.
He left telling me things that hurts. I won’t ever know wether it was on purpose or he just wasn’t thinking clear, but he did a touch down. I’m down and I don’t know how to get up. I tried 2 different psychologists over the course of the last 3 years. None of them were good enough to really help me. Yes, I felt better for a month or two after seeing them, but I always ended up at the same place I was before. I don’t feel like seeing a psychologist again could help me at all.
I tried working on the things he told me. Like that I’m fat. Some days, I feel so sick to that idea that I’m disgusted by food, others, I fast thinking it could help me. To give you an idea, I have around 27% body fat. Though, I have a little gynecomastia, which makes it look like I’m a little bit fatter than I am.
I work out every morning, I even started seeing my abdominals through the fat. I try my best, but it never seems to be enough.
I can’t help, but to feel helpless.
I can’t help, but to think leaving this world is the only solution.
I don’t feel unloved, I feel unloved by the one who made my heart beat.
It’s time for a change.
It’s time to say goodbye.