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I am so fucked up.

im so fucked up. i cant stand this anymore. i feel so, so, ugh. i cant explain it. i keep arguing with my friends, my sister, my mom and everybody else about non sense things. especially when its about food. food, drives me insane. i have to triple think about eating something and it drives me crazy. there will always be a time that you want to stop it and get over and just recover. you thought eating normally will help you get rid of it. NO. it will just make you worse. you’ll feel guilty, you will feel like youre a worthless prick. you’ll feel like youre a morbidly obese person. so you have to get rid of the food you ate. at first i just exercise/d. i do tons of cardio. i tried to purge/vomit. my first attempt failed. so i just sticked to exercising. but when i tried and tried purging after a “bad” meal, it finally worked. i felt mixed emotions. i was crying. i dont know if i was happy because ‘i did it’ or i was crying because i know i was so fucked up. days passed, i was forcing myself not to purge. i knew this was gonna happen. whenever i ate too much i will have the urge to throw my food up. but fuck, when i felt so angry at myself ill just punch myself in the stomach or pull my hair and slap myself. i just thought physical pain would take away the pain i was feeling mentally and emotionally. i skip dinner. i stop(ped) eating at 1pm. but if i do eat, i will break down and cry and torture myself. my mom doesnt know that i dont eat after 1pm. its because i get food,put it in the plate,leave crumbs and just throw the food. i make sure that theres an ‘evidence’ that i ate. i actually dont know how much money i spent throwing all the food, im such a fucker, a bitch who does nothing good in her life, does nothing but fucking watch her stupid fucking weight. and when i do eat, i eat in an abnormal manner. i always leave food on my plate. you think its normal? lol you bet, pinching food and throwing pieces away sounds normal. i have 2 plates whenever i eat. the first one for eating and the second one for the food that i throw. my life is trash i cant do this anymore

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