september of 2014, beginning of school my parents decided to move back to Saudi Arabia for a year because of family reasons. I was obviously upset leaving my friends but I was hyped for a change and new experience. Time flew by and I kept in touch with my friends from Canada. Online I always saw on social media liking my stuff and I thought he was really cute. Im bisexual by the way I wasn’t out at that time so I thought he was cute but ignored it. Later I saw him again and decided to take a look at his page. He was also bisexual, and we had a lot of friends in common. I never really felt comfortable having to do with my sexuality because of my strict parents and religion but this time I had no stress messaging him and saying hey I’m bisexual too, he seemed somewhat excited and happy and we both started talking from there. We would message each other everyday, days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. I lived in Saudi Arabia so the timezones from canada were hugely different, so sometimes I would stay up till 6 in the morning on school nights talking to him. I got really attached to him even thought we never met which was really new for me, I also came out on February 2015 just in hopes of being with him. And I got a lot of negativity for that being a muslim boy. one day I found out he’s trying to go for my friend and she came to me and told me and I was completely heartbroken, and it was a weird feeling and i didn’t like it so then I new this isnt for me and I stopped talking to him. Weeks passed and he messaged me, we talked it out and I was back with the same routine. Talked everyday and night. It was finally June and I was going back to Canada. The whole flight I was thinking about him, how he’s gonna be in person, is he going to like me in person? Is he going to think I’m ugly. I arrived in Canada and weeks passed of summer and we only still talked online because of summer school. We were both busy. Then one day he asked me to go to Wonderland with his family, I said yes.. obviously. I was nervous and scared and happy and excited all at once. I stayed up late thinking about it and thinking about what I’m going to wear. I spent 2 hours in the bathroom fixing my hair and making sure everything was right. Then I waited outside my house for about an hour for him and his parents to pick me up scared and excited then finally their car pulled and there he was smiling at me and me smiling back. I never felt so happy in my life, looking at someone made me feel like I’m in heaven. I never thought it was possible to feel this way. I went inside the car and we drove to wonderland. His sisters liked me a lot and we connected and we were all just smiling the whole time we went to wonderland and only went on one ride because it just so happens me and him both are afraid of rides. So We go back in the car to drop me home and his parents leave to get smoothies. He quickly holds my hand for 10 seconds and the butterflies were all over my stomach and i felt so freaking happy like It was 10 seconds but his touch made me feel like home. The next day I went to sleep over. We play fought and he really made me mad at one point because he went too far and the whole night i was quiet playing Fifa until he said he’s sorry and kissed me, I didn’t smile or say anything but inside I was like “ITS OKAY I LOVE YOU KISS ME AGAIN” and without me saying anything he did and he layed me down and we kissed and then I slowly went down on him and well ya the night was great. Then we woke up and i had to leave and i was smiling the whole day. We continued messaging everyday months passed we met a couple of times. He made me mad a lot because sometimes he would go too far again with the play fights or online he wouldn’t reply or say stuff id expect him to. One day he told me to come sleep over at his house at around October so it was freezing cold that time. I went and he told me to wait at McDonald so he can sneak out and we can go hang out in the woods till late. So I did. I waited for him from 8pm to 1am, I had to wait outside for an hour cause McDonald closed, but he finally came out but we went to the woods and hung out and he said he loves me and at 3 am in the woods he told me to suck him off.. And i did thinking he would love me more. then after that he said he has to sneak back in the house and i can’t sleep at his house because his parents might wake up so i went to the nearest drug store and slept on the ground outside in the cold. But I was still really happy and madly in love. I knew he loved me but I also knew i loved him 10 times more till one day he started to date a girl and always ignored me. He never really wanted people to know about me and him because they would make fun of him so i also found out he’s been telling people that I’m obsessed with him and that I’m annoying and that really broke my heart.. I stopped messaging and ignored him and i was slowly in the process of moving on and being a little happy again till he messaged me a couple weeks ago saying that he’s depressed and he wants to meet me and he loves me. Me being the stupid retard i am, fell for it and went back. We met, I slept over his house. He did the same thing with going too far with the abusive play fights, calling me ugly as a “joke” but cmon no one wants to be called ugly by the person they love. And he kept yelling at me and making me feel uncomfortable and then in the end he told me to do stuff to him and i did then after he turned around and fell asleep without even saying anything. I was cold and sleeping on the ground so i called my dad and asked him to pick me up as soon as he can and i left at 6. And again my dumb ass still messaged him like nothing happened and he’s back at ignoring me and treating me like shit and I’ve been crying and hating myself ever since. Its May 5th 2016 today and i turn 17 in 12 days and all i want is to be successful and happy but all i am right now is sad and desperate for his love. I’m lost and lonely and I don’t know what to do.