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I see you tell at me and grunt your teeth

I see you yell at me, grunt your teeth at me to tell me to shut up in front of others, I see the look in my sons eyes when he sees his father yelling at his mother and how one day he could be just like him. I hurt because of this your words have cut me each and every time, your lack of love, so many nights I felt so alone and unsafe, because you always had an excuse as to why you couldn’t talk to me or sit down and listen to me. Embrace? Couldn’t even tell you how that feels never had that with you. Just anger, and always being told like a dirty o’l yellow dog to “Get Out” or “Why don’t you just leave or move out” so many night and days overthinking wondering if I was tripping. Is this verbal abuse? No! No way this isn’t happening to me but it is and like dirt on the floor I just kept sweeping it under the rug. I should’ve seen the red flags but I never looked at the signs. Shame? You never felt for the things you said or the way you’ve treated me, even had the nerve to get mad at me in front of family and yell. Your mother saw it happen for years never had the nerve to stand up for me. It was all about her precious innocent son. But what about me? Why did I continue to let this happen to me? Scared, weak, trapped didn’t think this could really be happening to me but it has and it did. I’m still here wondering when will I have the courage and my plan to leave. I left once for 6 months then came back I loved you and I couldn’t move on I forgot why I left perhaps. I felt so alone no son, no you, no us. I was lost in depression. Lost my purpose. Now I see why I left in the first place but now I feel stuck again like I’m trapped, unhappy, and halfway depressed my only motivation for staying is my son. Being able to see him everyday instead of every couple days knowing that our day and our time would run out and that before I knew it he would be gone again..I love being in control not knowing what my son could be doing or whether his dad was making sure he took his medications killed me. I just had to know and I had to see my son. Without him I felt empty and alone..I’ve always felt alone I was an only child after all..We always argue the first year was like a dream it was wonderful but it always is then shortly after that year you start seeing that persons true colors..I hate feeling this way because I see other couples and I know their relationship isn’t perfect but at least they seem very in love and very caring about each other. They hold hands, give each other hugs, listen to each other and respect each other. We don’t have respect you step on me and I fight back to try to defend my self. But you don’t love me if you did you would respect me and treat me like a women should be treated..I want to leave but how do I get the courage to leave? I’m scared to be alone? Move out and only get to see my son every couple of days instead of everyday.. I want to get out…

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