A message to everyone who hates gay people. I have a problem and I need help. I am 14 years old and I am gay. No, I do not attend gay parades, and I am not proud for being gay. Gay people are rejected in society, and violence over them is not rare at all. Being openly gay has its consequences, and I am not ready to face any of them. Because of this, I hide that fact from everyone. It really isn’t difficult. All you have to do is avoid being close with boys and always watch girls. I have mastered this, and no one can even guess that I’m gay. In fact, when I told my best friend about this problem, she wouldn’t believe me. I have been in relationships with girls, however, that simply isn’t it. I only love them as friends, and no matter how hard I try to change this fact, I fail. I can only love guys. I hate this fact. No matter how much I try to forget all of it, to love girls, and forget about guys, I simply can’t. I live a very comfortable life. I am not rich, and I don’t need to be, I already have everything I want. Yet, there is one thing I don’t have. True love. You might be thinking that I’m just 14 years old, and that I am yet to find my special someone. But that isn’t quite simple if you’re gay. I am gay, yet I claim exactly the opposite. I claim that I don’t have any kind of problem with gay people, since I can’t hate someone who doesn’t mean any harm to me. Yet I claim that the problem occurs once I find out someone who’s gay wants something with me. That is a complete lie. In fact, that’s exactly what I want to happen right now. Yet, I must claim something like that, in order to hide the fact that I’m gay. The boy I love is very similar to me. His name is Marko, and he’s like a brother to me. He claims exactly the same as I do. In fact, we had a conversation about it. He claims that he hates gays who are proud of it, and who behave like girls. As for normal gays, he claims that he doesn’t have a problem with them, unless they want something from him. That’s exactly what I claim too. So what am I supposed to do? I love him, and the fact he claims exactly the same as I do opens up the possibility that he might be gay as well. The fact he claims he isn’t gay means nothing. So do I. Yet, I am gay. Three days ago, we traveled to Vienna, and he was my roommate. He was like a brother to me. He helped me comb my hair and he gave me his clothes when mine were dirty. This made me love him even more. I got so close to opening up to him at one moment. But I gave up. The consequences and humiliation I would go through if he’s straight were too much for me. I worried that we might not be even friends anymore. I simply wasn’t ready for losing such a close friend. Don’t get me wrong. He doesn’t turn me on. I don’t love his looks or his body. I love him. All I want is to be even closer to him. To be able to hug him at any moment, to cuddle with him, to hold his hand, to know that he loves me as well. And now that this part is finished, there’s another thing that confuses me. I am Christian. I believe the word of God, and I believe that Jesus sacrificed himself for me, and that He is my savior. I read that the Bible states who ever is gay will not see heaven. My question? How can that be? I was never given a choice. I simply realised at one moment that I’m gay, and that’s it. There’s no kind of choice. There’s nothing you can do about it. You simply accept it. How can something I was never given a choice about be a sin? Does that mean that even if I’m gay, I should be in relationships with girls and marry a woman? In order to establish that relationship, there are only two things I can do. I can love them, which I can’t because I love guys. I can make them believe I love them, act like I love them. They would feel special, and that’s how I would maintain my relationship. That’s the only thing I can do. But isn’t this cheating? Isn’t tricking someone you don’t love into thinking you love them, a much greater sin then simply being with the person you truly love, even though he’s the same gender? I believe that living a fake life, is a much greater sin. I will not live a fake life. I pray to God that he makes me straight. Until then, I will live my real life, not a fake one. So… What am I supposed to do with Marko?
