Puppy love – 3 years on.
How I’m sure I’ve met and lost ‘the one’

‘The Second Date’

Do you remember when I told you about moving past levels of happiness.

We were in Kelty woods.
Lay by a tree on top of a fuzzy bright coloured blanket I stole from my parents.
I was 16 at the time, taking a blanket out with me seemed like a crime.
I had to sneak it in my bag before I left for the 11:55 bus, I told my mum I thought the toilet was broken so she would leave the room to give me an opportunity to ram it in my bag.
I hadn’t seen you for almost 2 weeks because you got grounded for coming home late from our date in Edinburgh.
You’re mum confiscated your phone as well so speaking to you was as regular and as short as prison visiting hours.
That was the first time I felt my gut ache with what I thought was impatience, but as we grew I quickly found it to be passion.
Gay
Back to my mums house.
I had a burst of adrenaline and excitement as I pictured what the look on your face would be when I pulled out this ‘romantic’ gesture.
Our ignorance to innocence was as beautiful as the face I was picturing.

I remember listening to A Day To Remember on my way there.
Have Faith In Me
All I want, I sang along to the songs in my head and envisioned myself actually singing the song to a crowd.
In my mind I would always try pick you out from a crowd of thousands to sing your favourite song to you.

Years on I still do.

The songs are different though, they’re lonelier, slower and more meaningful to me.
Maybe I feel their loss.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve written them in a different life that I’ve clearly lost you in as well.
That thought fills me with optimism for my next life because it means there’s a chance I’ll get a glimpse of you again.

I keep losing track.
You came to meet me I’m sure, my memories really hazey it could of been another time but I remember you standing there with your toes pointing toward each other.
You were still sort of shy.

Blue jeans
White top
horribly lady gaga like fringe
still cracks me up
Tried to cut your hair for our date and you fucked it
but God you were still the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
We barely finished off the one and only syllable in the word ‘heey’ before we grabbed each other and kissed.

well
at least in my mind we didn’t.

what actually happened was I got off, made a terrible joke and laughed nervously.
as did you.

Turns out we were both shy.

We walked to yours and the whole way you anxiously presented Kelty to me.
The shops
The school your brothers went too
the weird looking blue thing by the what I presumed was the ‘rival’ school at the top of the hill past the chippy, My brucefield background taking charge in mind with the conclusion of rival primary children gangs.
It was Kelty so I wouldn’t of been surprised.

We made jokes, we talked about crap but we both secretly wanted to just walk in silence and enjoy the embrace of one another’s hands.

We arrive at your door and we walk in.
I’m less nervous as it’s just your mum that’s in, no scary dad’s to crush me.

You’re mum gives us fags and I nervously try to keep my immature adolescent mind under control and prevent myself from making a horrible joke.
You’re mum adores me.

the cat, Not so much.
Rita you fuck.

You’re mum goes away to give us ‘kids’ some time to cuddle.
She makes a sex joke and I crumble inside with awkwardness and embarrassment and release a dreadful laugh that would of been reason enough for you to dump me there and then.
You didn’t
Didn’t even comment on it.
?+100
If the sims did real life right?

well
adolescent
young
Falling for each other
Within minutes we were held in one another’s embrace on a 3 seater couch lying down kissing the faces off of each other

I wasn’t entirely sure how to kiss so I was just kinda trying not to slaver too much.

After 5 minutes of kissing we just lay there

hugging

No talking
Nothing

Just staring into each others eyes.
God I swear I could see the world through your eyes.
Every time you blinked you’re eyes re-hydrated and the deep brown drawed me in with every sparkle and glisten.

She’s perfect.

Again my memory may let me down as it may not have been this day but I’m so sure I’d bet my life on it.

Either way my memory links these up and they are still amongst the best memories I fear of losing to age.

I lay there looking in your eyes thinking about how perfect you were.
How perfect this was.
How perfect our future would be.

Your mum interrupted, Another sex joke broke the seal of her lips and certainly broke my voice as my adolescent sounds went from one end of the frequency chart to the other with it sounding like someone fell on every side of a piano.

I was starting to like your mum.

We took a wonder outside and visited Kelty woods.

We walked up through all the trees and chatted about random stuff.
Supernatural, Ghost stories ect

We wondered of the dirt track and through cut down and blown down trees and into the forrest.
I wanted the perfect tree to reveal my romantic side to you at.
More walking took place
more moaning took place from you

Then a tree jumped out at me (figuratively speaking of course)
the tree was thick and unbelievably tall with a perfect bit of ground in front of it.

I revealed the blanket and chicken roll sandwiches that were horrific.

Then we just lay there
Hugging
Just me and you
The wind around and birds chirping and sometimes to this day I just walk through the Glen at night so I can smell the fresh air and the bark because for a brief moment I swear I’m back there and I swear you’re next to me again.

I remember saying to you that love comes in stages and each love will be greater than the last and each feeling of happiness will be better than the last.

I use to document my stages of happiness, I had a Spongebob bracelet on that literally JUST fit on my wrist that my “first love” Caris gave to me.

I told you my theory on happiness and you agreed, I explained my bracelet to you and you thought it was beautiful.
That’s when I connected to you.

I took the bracelet off
well I tried
I tried some more
I struggled a lot
I grunted
I growled
and then it came off

I was out of breath doing that. I hope you didn’t notice.

I looked at the bracelet and I left it on the ground.
I turned to you and told you I was happier already.

It had only been 3 weeks and you had made me happier than any person I had ever met in my short time on this earth.

If you ever read this I hope that will help you understand why I can never let go of what we had because look at how much you influenced my life in 3 weeks.
I can’t put into words or describe what a year did.

I wear the necklace you got me from flamingo land because you gave me that necklace in Kelty.
It connects me to that moment at the tree and that connection is what motivates me and convinces me that some how, some day I’ll wake up in that moment.
All the times I closed my eyes holding you and never wanted to let go, I basked in the moment and tried to memorise every touch, every pulse, every scent and every sound.

So that just in case I was ever without you in my life, wherever that may be. I could close my eyes.

Think back and be there again.
With you.

I don’t like opening my eyes.
I don’t like waking up.
Because every time they’re shut

I’m with you.

You’re the one they write songs about.

I swear one day
I don’t know where
and I don’t know when

But I’ll pick you out from the crowd when I’m singing.
I’ll be singing too you,
I’ll always be singing too you.

And If It Means A Lot To You
You’ll be singing with me  too.

Don’t tell me I don’t mean it when I say I Love you.
Don’t Tell me I’m just confused and I’ll feel differently in the future.
Don’t tell me it was just young love.

It was Love.

It still is.