Calling 911
‘and how it ruined my life’
June 3rd, 2016
About a month ago I was assaulted in a physical altercation by my spouse, in front of our 4 year old son. It was the second time in 3 weeks that my spouse had assaulted me in front of our child. The previous one was multiple punches on me in front of our child and my mother in law. I wanted to call police then, but when my mother in law stated “I wouldn’t do that, I’ll tell the police it didn’t happen”. I believed her, so I didn’t. I’m glad I didn’t now. My time in hell would have started sooner. Three weeks later I was on the phone with 911, bleeding, asking for police. I had just been to a local domestic violence center for counselings earlier on the day I called 911. I did exactly what they told me to do. Police arrived and chose not to charge my spouse with assault. Instead saying it was only harassment in the 2nd. I was shocked. They handed me a police report of domestic violence listing me as the victim and informed me to get an order of protection. The following day I did exactly that. That was the last time I saw my child.
The judge issued a protection order on my spouse. But my spouse had fled the home with our child. Avoiding service from police for weeks. The judge had removed my right for process service and ordered only law enforcement service. Somehow during the first two days, my spouse was able to file for divorce, custody, and using outrageous accusations to a different judge, placed a protection order on me. Removing me from the home. No contact with my spouse or child effective immediately. My head was spinning.

In a panic, in a local hotel. I called an attorney. I explained my situation. The attorney wanted $5000 as a retainer, I could only afford $3500. My spouse had taken $1500 from our account two weeks earlier, after all the bills had been paid. We got to work on a plan. I provided my attorney with the police report listing me as the victim. The protection order which my spouse was still evading police for service. I had text messages from my spouse for two days refusing to bring our son home in fear that I had a removal order and would take off with our child. Yet the affidavit my spouse had provided to court stated my spouse was in fear for their safety from me, my child included. My spouse had provided a Veterans Affairs finding from the Compensation and Pension process from 2008 and 2009 as evidence that I was a drunk, suffered from PTSD and had suicidal ideology. My spouse also claimed I had attempted suicide two years prior in 2014 by placing a loaded gun in my mouth. That never happened. My spouse had come home from a weekend trip in 2014 with buddies and forgot about the condoms. I found them. I lost it. I broke down. I confronted my spouse. My spouse finally came clean and it was worse than I had imagined. I was devastated. My spouse had been involved with a married client. Choosing this person over me and our child, bringing this person into the home, in the bed our child slept in, to the mall with my child. I broke down. My spouse kept a handgun in the armoire. I was broken and needed to know “why”. I acted foolishly. I removed the gun from the armoire and begged my spouse to talk to me. After refusing, I stated I had the gun. My spouse jumped out of bed and turned the lights on. I had the gun in my hand, aimed at the floor. With wide eyed anger my spouse looked at me and stated “do it, do it, don’t be a pussy”. I dropped to my knees and released the gun. My spouse grabbed the gun and proceeded to wave it about. My military training kicked in. I was able to calmly get the gun back and place it back in the lock box in my spouses armoire.

I should clear something up here. We were not married when this happened two years ago. We were not even living together at the time. I had an apartment in town and our child went between both. We were still a couple, getting the house ready to sell and us all relocate south. While my spouse was at work I was at the house painting and getting it ready to sell while caring for our son. The whole time, my spouse was in a relationship with a married client. Eventually quitting work before management found out and my spouse was fired. My spouse had broke it off with the married client, who was now stalking my spouse at work in person, calling and bringing more stress to an already stressful situation.
The stress had taken its toll on me. I acted wrong, but I never attempted suicide. I was acting out for help. So I got some. I voluntarily checked in at the local VA Hospital. I hadn’t slept for days. I just needed to sleep. Problem was the VA keeps the lights on 24 hours a day. Impossible to sleep. I checked out 2 days later and went home. I did however begin outpatient behaviour health counselings. Not for suicide attempt, not for PTSD but for a broken heart. My love had strayed and betrayed me and our son for another. I needed help wrapping my head around the visions of the two of them doing what cheaters do. I couldn’t stop the images. But counselings helped. After weekly sessions, for months I began to realise, this was not my issue. This was my spouses issue. I begged my spouse to attend couples counselings. Finally after weeks of asking we attended. Yet each time we got to the counsellor my spouse stated if the affair came up we were leaving. For four sessions we talked about everything but the issue that had gotten us there. After the forth session, my spouse refused to return.
My spouse was now out of work and racking up a lot of debt. I was retired due to injuries from Iraq and I had received a large sum of back money from the VA for combat injuries. My spouse asked to borrow $15,000 to pay off debt, lower our monthly bills as I had moved back into the home. Promising to repay the money once the house sold and we moved south. Even having new kitchen flooring installed and carpeting all total of $2500. Again, promising to repay once we sold and moved south.
We argued often. More bad than good. But we both love our son and I know I was trying my best to make it work for our child. I sacrificed a lot. I put my faith into this person who would ultimately betray me, again. Now denying the loan and claiming it was a gift.

2015 rolled around and we decided to elope and get married on the beach in North Carolina in February. Two friends of my spouse as witnesses and our son. Yet no one was allowed to know, not even our families. We didn’t even consummate our marriage. Instead my spouse chose not to disturb our son and went to sleep. I pretended it would all be okay. I wanted it to. A few months later, we decided to relocate south even though the house had not sold. My spouse had been working under the table for a local contractor friend since the end of 2015. After returning from our wedding, something happened. My spouse came home and said the contractor boss had flipped out and – no more work. A few days later my spouse was on the cell phone being accused by the contractors spouse of an affair. Again. My head went spinning. What had I gotten into. Of course the denials went flying.

A few months passed and my spouse had a great idea. Rent our home out to one of
our adult kids and lets head south and look for a place to relocate. We did it. We found a spot in NW South Carolina. Never properly vetting the place and upon arrival realising we had made a huge mistake. The place smelled of mold and mildew. My spouse had signed the contract prior to looking inside the rental house. We lost our $900 deposit, not spending one night in the house. We stayed in another cabin for the night and left the following morning. Contacting a realtor who had another property a few hours north in North Carolina. It was perfect. A beautiful home on a mountain overlooking the Little Tennessee River in the Smokies. That lasted a month. We had signed a six month lease. We lost $1250 leaving there early. My spouse decided on Myrtle Beach next. This time we had friends check it out for us first. A five bedroom house a few minutes walk to the beach. It was good. We signed a six month lease and lasted five months. Most of the time there it was good until February. Our one year anniversary. My spouse decided to head to NY to get our home ready for showing for sale. Only for a week, deciding to take our child so our child could visit with grandma. I agreed. Three weeks later they returned. I knew something was up. Just didn’t want to believe it. My spouse went through the motions. Sex when horny, yet we slept in separate rooms. I paid 100% of the bills, as my spouse had not worked legally in a gainful job in almost two years. I was foolish, guilty as charged.

By the beginning of April my spouse decided that we would relocate to Beaufort SC. My spouse would head back to sign the paperwork and our son and I would remain in SC. Instead I opted that we see if the landlord would let us leave early and they did. No penalty. We would all head back to NY, sell the house and move to Beaufort. My mother in law came down about a week before we were to leave. One normal evening while sitting having dinner and joking around, my spouse flipped. Stood up and told me to shut my mouth. Then proceeded to punch me 8 to 10 times. The look, the eyes, said it all. Pure hatred. I went upstairs to my room. Never striking back, didn’t even say a word. My spouse came up a minute later and said we were all going for a cart ride. I declined. Our son came up and climbed on the bed with me. My spouse returned and said “you’re mad”. I was. I told my spouse to never put their hands on me again, you’re lucky your mother is here as I should call Police. That’s when the mother in law chimed in and said I shouldn’t as she would lie and tell the police it didn’t happen. My spouse said that was it, leaving and never coming back. Our son started crying. All I could do was tell our son it would be alright. My spouse never left. I can only assume mother in law convinced my spouse to stay. It was awkward for days. Mother in law left the day before us and then we left. We returned to NY and I knew things were bad. My spouse was distant, refused to talk, refused counselings. It was bad.

We decided we would separate. I would find my own place, again. We had been back a week. My spouse refused to give me a house key. We had given them up to the kid and friends while we were gone. My spouse had the only mailbox key. We lived in a park with secure mail. I hadn’t gotten my mail in a week. On a Monday the second week back I went to look at a house to rent and took our son. Even invited my spouse to follow. The next day I took our son to visit my mother in Vermont for mothers day. My spouse had taken our son to my mother in laws on mothers day. On Wednesday I had the noon domestic violence counseling and then an appointment to look at another rental. While out my spouse sent me a text that the washing machine was broken and heading to moms to do laundry with our son. When I got home the door was unlocked as I was not allowed a key. I needed to do laundry as well, but I was not comfortable leaving the house unlocked. I text my spouse about what time they would be home. 6 ish. I waited. At 8pm they got back. I played with our son a bit. Got him to bed by 9. Then went out and did my laundry at a mat. At 1115 pm I came home. Upset that I had to be out so late because my spouse refused to give me a house key. We argued. My spouse went to bed.

A few minutes later I heard our son speaking. I peeked in and he was sitting up in bed. My spouse was in the bathroom with the door open. I quietly went over and was tucking him back to bed when my spouse came out of the bathroom and told me to get the fuck out. I said our son was talking, I was just putting him back to bed. My spouse said “I know, he was talking to me, but I was in the bathroom and need my privacy so get the fuck out”. I said to shut the door like most people do. My spouse went back into the bathroom and I decided to shut the door so as no more loud talking to wake our son. I removed a robe from the door and began closing the door when my spouse ripped the door open, grabbed my arm and cut me until my arm was bleeding. I went into the kitchen to get a paper towel. I asked my spouse for a band-aid. While searching for a band-aid I turned on the recorder on my cell phone. I recorded the entire conversation. Then I called 911. My spouse got angry and called 911 as well. Saying I had thrown the robe off the door and tried to imprison my spouse in the bathroom. Mind you the door lock was on the side my spouse was on. Police arrived and chose not to arrest. Saying it was he said she said. What!!! I was bleeding, that’s not he said she said, that’s assault. My spouse saying I tried to imprison someone in a bathroom is he said she said. Then my spouse goes for the throat. “There’s guns in the house”! I informed the police they were more than welcome to search the house and cars. No guns in home. Police even annotated this on the report, no guns in home. My spouse had sent me a text a week earlier asking if the guns had been taken to Vermont, to my folks place. I said of course. I had lived in Vermont prior to meeting my spouse and the guns stayed in Vermont with the exception of the one handgun my spouse kept at the home when being stalked in 2014. And when we took them to the Carolina’s. The guns are legally owned, but not registered in NY. So they stayed an hour and a half away in Vermont. Yet on Friday the 13th, my spouse provided an affidavit to the court that I had illegal guns in the house. My spouse and attorney never informed the judge that I had gotten a protection order the prior day. They never showed the police report listing my spouse as the subject of domestic violence. They provided the judge with a VA Findings letter from 8 years earlier that I had alcohol issues, yet I have been clean and sober for years. The letter stated I have PTSD, yet I had sought treatment in 2009 at a private Institute for a 6 week stay and had been back doing my methodologies for over a year. The letter said I had Suicidal Ideology. That was from 8 years earlier. Without regard for due process, in an over abundance of caution and with an affidavit full of falsehoods and outdated history. The judge ordered me out and no contact.

It would be three excruciating weeks of no contact with my son. No speaking, seeing or holding him before I even got a chance to speak my side. We had provided the court with the police report. A taped conversation with a different story from the night of the latest assault. My spouse had told the court that the bathroom door was closed and I burst in. Yet on the tape my spouse clearly states the door was open and I threw the robe off. I provided another taped conversation I had with the mother in law. One day not long after the protection order, my cell phone rang. It was the mother in law. Begging me to make a deal with my attorney, saying that my spouses attorney had made all those lies up. My spouse had nothing to do with it. I said then my spouse should fix it. I made mention of the prior assault in Myrtle Beach for the record and the mother in law admitted to witnessing the assault but said she had recanted and would have not lied to Police. I made mention that they said I was an alcoholic, PTSD, with guns and suicidal. All on tape. All of it confirmed by the mother in law to be false and blamed on the attorney. My spouse had no idea how any of that made it into court. Yet she signed the affidavit. My mother in law said no, she signed the rough draft and this was different. My attorney laughed it off. I provided the 7 minute conversation to my attorney, who immediately confronted my spouses attorney. Who later claimed that the mother in law was crazy and that my spouse was sticking to the affidavit.

Playing nasty, okay. So my spouse was out for blood. Paying me back for calling 911. Keeping me from my child. So I did what any parent would do. I fought back. I informed my attorney that my spouse uses drugs. Smokes it in the house with our child present when I am out shopping or running errands. My spouse has not denied this in affidavit responses. We requested immediate drug testing for my spouse and son. A five panel follicle hair test. We informed the court of the two recent domestic violence acts. We informed the court of the evading service of the protection order. We informed the court that the VA findings were from 8 years prior. We informed the court of the affairs and infidelities. My attorney was confident we had a very strong case. My spouse admitted to the affair from 2014, yet stated the reason for quitting work was not because of the affair with a client but rather blamed me for not being able to care for our son. Smoke and mirrors.

Prior to court, my spouse sent a settlement offer. Joint and equal custody but as my spouse was not working I would pay $700 a month in child support and $700 a month in marital maintenance. I declined. In NY, even with joint equal custody, the spouse who makes more money has to pay child support. Nuts, but my spouse made zero, so I was on the hook. But I refused to pay marital maintenance. The NY Unified Court System has criteria for denying marital maintenance. Infidelities, drug use, domestic violence. My spouse was guilty of these three of many. My attorney was confident of no marital maintenance. They declined our counter offer of $700 and no maintenance.

We finally got to court. My spouse and I went in for 5 minutes and were sent out. Lawyers and judge only. An hour later the attorney assigned to represent my child came out and his face said it all. Then my attorney came out. First thing she said was, its a good deal, you wont be happy but its a good deal. The judge had decided that I would pay $700 a month in child support, $1000 a month in marital maintenance, I could only see my son for 10 hours a day, 3 days a week and no overnights. The judge did order my spouse and I for drug and alcohol testing but I had to pay for both of us. However the judge refused to order our child tested for exposure, even with the court appointed attorney agreeing with my attorney to test the child as my spouse did not deny drug use in the home with our child. I was ordered to surrender my firearms, in another State, even though they had not been used in a crime, domestic violence and were legally kept in Vermont. I was ordered to surrender them in 5 days. As my attorney stated the judge was showing an abundance of caution because I was a veteran with PTSD and from the incident two years prior. The judge gave my spouse 14 days to be tested for drugs and showed zero caution for our child and did not require drug exposure testing on him. No concern for my spouses recent assaults on me in front of our child at all. I was to pick up and drop off my son to my spouse a block from my spouse. I am living an hour and a half away. No middle ground, the entire trip, both ways, pick up and drop off on me.

My faith in the system died that day. A judge chose a violent, drug users allegations over my police reports and taped confessions. Not only was my spouse paying me back for calling 911, so to now was family court. My spouse does not claim assault or abuse ever by me. Just a fear of my PTSD and guns which were in another State. My son is being denied a parent. I am being denied my son. If I rock the boat and fight, my attorney has informed me the judge will bury me at the final hearing in September. I am being extorted for money, court sanctioned. I am being discriminated against for PTSD, regardless of the Americans with Disabilities Act. I was denied due process for 3 weeks. The judge displayed an over abundance of caution on me as a disabled combat veteran with no history of domestic violence. While displaying a lack of caution for my spouse who does not deny drug use in the home with our son, is listed as the subject of domestic violence and has changed stories on numerous affidavits.

I will never call 911 for myself again. The cost is too high. I will never allow myself to be involved in family court again, that cost is too high. I was the victim of domestic violence twice in three weeks and finally had enough. I did exactly what I was told to do. I did not fight back, I walked away and let the authorities handle it. Perhaps if I were a woman, things would have turned out differently. And as my attorney stated, “The judge does not want to hear about your wife assaulting you, you’re twice her size”. I asked my attorney that day in court, didn’t the judge care that I had the police report and taped confession of two assaults. My attorney replied, “why because she made you bleed and punched you”. Imagine saying that to a woman who was just assaulted by her husband. Imagine a woman called 911 and was bleeding and the husband did not get arrested. Imagine a woman with no history of domestic violence having her son taken away and given to the violent father who does not deny using drugs in the home with the child. It’s impossible to imagine this happening – to a woman.

I am a husband to a violent, drug using, cheating wife, all undisputed. I am a father to a child I have never abused, yet we were kept apart for three weeks, not disputed. My wife has no problem with me having joint custody, the judge does. You see, I am a combat veteran. I am a man. I legally own guns kept in another State. Those guns have never been used in a crime, domestic violence or to threaten another. Yet I had to surrender them to police in five days, because my wife said she is afraid. My wife who does not deny drug use in the home with our child, has not had her home or car searched for drugs and does not have to submit to a drug test for two weeks.

Family Court is not for families. It is setup up for women/mothers. Period. Fathers do not get an equal shake. I have had my civil rights stepped on. My due process denied. My child shown a lack of caution while I an over abundance of caution. And no accountability of my wife. Zero. Welcome to my world. Never call 911, if you’re a male victim of domestic violence.