How did I get here?

I am a 25 year old married lady with a 4 year old daughter with my husband. I truly love my husband, so here is my story.

Growing up my parents used to own a convenient store which was at my parents house. On countless occasions we used to have robberies in the shop, sometimes with knives or at gun point. Then my dad joined the taxi industry and things got worse. My dad was working a full time job in a different town and would come home on certain weekends while I was at home with my mom, granny (who hated my guts), little sister and brother. My older sister was staying with my dad as she was studying nearby where my dad worked.

On the night of October 2003 we had yet another break in this time in the main house not the shop and lucky for my dad he wasn’t there as the thieves wanted him. On realising that the person they looking for is not there they panicked and unfortunately my lucky stars were facing a different direction. It was two guys in the house, one guy raped my mother while the other one raped me in the same room. I was 12 years old then. When the other guy was done with my mother he wanted to leave and the one busy with me said he was not done then he decided he will take me and leave (kidnap me). As I left the yard, tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably. We walked quite a distant and it seemed as though he’s friends bailed on him as he carried extra baggage… me. This was all happening around midnight, we finally stopped at some bush 15km from my home. He raped me constantly until the sun came out. In the morning I convinced him to let me go and told him I will not tell anything to the police and made up a story that if he still wants to see me we can meet up at the town my dad worked in and we can carry on where we left off, Lord knows where I got that strength from. He believed my story and we set up a date for our next meeting. I ran as fast as I could going back home to find a large group of people who helped my mother search for me and my dad was there as well.

The guys were arrested 3 days later where that fool that raped went to meet me like we discussed when I wanted to escape. The court case was 3 years later and wasn’t an easy one but they were sentenced to life in prison. Counselling was not helping so I stopped attending. We relocated to the town my dad worked in.

I then started dating at 15 but only started engaging in sexual activities when I was 16 before graduation (high school). I think from there things took a left turn. I was more into sexual activities than any thing else. When I went to University, in one year I slept with a number of men that I cant even count, at the time I thought it was just a stage and it will pass. I dropped out in University and moved back home. I found a job at the age of 19 and was still in the relationship with the guy I slept with while I was in school, but my problem was I couldn’t have only one men. I was always cheating though never been caught. I met my husband when my then boyfriend dumped me and that was just before I turned 20. I had my daughter at 21 and got married at 24. I still hook up with my ex every now and then, he is also married but we just cant stop fooling around. Two years ago I hooked up with a younger co-worker and we used to have sex in his office before I go home to my now husband. A few days ago I reconnected with the guy I slept with when I was 17 who happened to be my 2nd cousin and I can feel it in my body that I want to sleep with him so badly and he also feels the same which make things even worse. I work in the different place now and I’m dying to sleep with my now co-worker who is 3 years younger that me.

I don’t know how I got here, I want to be faithful to my husband and be a good wife but something is just messed up with either my brains or my body. I just want to have sex with as many people as I can which is something I don’t want but I cant seem to control myself.