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3 of my biggest mistakes I have made, and I am only 15

Whatever I have been through cannot be explained here, because it’s just too much. I will say in brief.

When I was small, I had everything, as in happiness, parents love and time, parties and what not. Now, I’m 15 years old and it has been 3 years since I began suffering from depression.

I used to stay in Ahmadabad when i was small and then I transferred to Kolkata. I was really popular because I had a boyfriend who was a senior and I was a really good student. I was very very good in dancing, singing, art, sports, and my studies! Everything! Teachers used to love me, friends used to praise me, but there came a point of time when I was in class 5 (2012) and my dad’s job went away due to some reasons. A few months later, my mum found out that he had an affair with another woman. My mom used to cry a lot and she was pregnant, too, so she always cried and called God for help. Then, because of my dad’s mistake, my mom made a decision to transfer to our hometown Bhubaneswar.

I really didn’t want to come because after getting so much prestige from my old school and gaining so much respect and doing so much hard work, I didn’t want to have to start over. But seeing my mom’s sorrow and tears, I didn’t say anything. I was helpless.

So, in July 2013, we transferred to Bhubaneswar. I got admission into a new school that was big, but I didn’t like it over here at all. People here were so narrow-minded. Teacher were partial and people were judged badly. I hated all of this a lot and I was unhappy. I got thyroid too that also a hypo one. Due to that, I became a bit healthier. I got depressed, too. I always hoped that my dad would get a job and I’d transfer. Then, my brother was born.

After a few months in this school, I found a guy who was super cute and I got a crush on him. We chatted on Facebook, but he was one of my friend’s boyfriend. I was attracted to him, so I went into a bad direction. We started chatting wrong things and we planned to smooch in school. We did, a lot of times. One day, we got caught due to camera’s and our parents were called. I felt very bad and guilty. People passed comments about me and they talked behind my back. They said bad stuff to me like,  “bitch, slut, prostitute, randi, characterless girl” and what not, so this made me more depressed. I couldn’t focus on my studies either.

In the next year (2014), I started liking a guy. He proposed to me, but he used to always hurt me by insulting me in front of everyone. I was so blindly in love with him that I couldn’t make out what was wrong and right. I just loved him a lot that I would do anything for him. One day, he asked me to send a pic of my breasts with my tattoo (I have a tattoo on my hand) or else he said he’d leave me. I couldn’t dream of living without him because I was madly, deeply, drastically in love with him. So, I sent him the picture. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. After a few months, he still hurt me and didn’t care for me. He always made me cry by flirting with other girls and proposing, also. One day, it was enough I couldn’t cry for him anymore, it was worthless, I realized, and at last, I got over him and broke up with him. Me and my class mates actually have a WhatsApp group and one day he posted that pic in the group. I can’t explain how much I cried, I even cut my hand. I couldn’t see this all happening in front of my eyes and the pic went viral. The whole school saw this pic and can you believe how I must have been feeling. At that moment in my life, it felt as if life was trying to ruin me. I slipped further into depression and people said such bad stuff to me.

This all happened at such a young age; I was just 14 and life gave me so many scars to live with. I always cut my hands, I always cried and screamed. Everyone thought I was bad and cheap and I couldn’t give an explanation. Everybody talked bad about me; I never faced all this in my life 🙁 I was broken. It was hard to get over all this.

The 3rd mistake I made in my life was a few months later, after that incident.  I had a friend who was two classes elder to me and she introduced me to a new guy. He was the boyfriend of my friend’s friend and I knew that. He wasn’t that good looking, but he spoke with a sexy English accent. People were attracted to the way he spoke. We both became really close; he shared his sad life story and I shared some of mine, too. I, unfortunately, just got attracted to him and he did, too. We both planned to meet and he came to my apartment in the evening. We went to one of the floors and kissed and then it went to oral sex. Later, we talked on WhatsApp about what we did and how we felt. But after a few days, I realized what I did was wrong. All of these things I did was because I went into the wrong direction. I realised I was ditching his girlfriend who was a friend of mine, too. He said he would also come the next week to meet and I said OK. We were both bunking tuition’s, so I decided to have a talk with him and he asked for all that stuff again, but I refused and said that what we were doing was wrong. We started walking and then my dad saw us bunking tuition’s and took me home and shouted at me and also beat me and threw my books and said not to go to school and tuition. From that day I cried a lot. I told him all this and he said sorry. Then the next day, you guys wouldn’t believe that he told whatever we did and showed whatever we chatted to my friend. She spread this to the whole school and it became worse because people even started adding extras to it which actually didn’t happen and I had to suffer a lot due to this. I cried a lot and I was badly hurt and tried attempting suicide, but didn’t have that much guts to do that 🙁

Still, I’m hoping that my dad gets a new job. Now, I’m 15 (class 9) and I’m still depressed and crying a lot.

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