Hi everyone! I am a 25 years old who has no idea how to go about with my life at present. Let me start off by introducing myself. I am a doctor. Not working at present. Finished my mbbs and preparing for the pg entrance exams for the past year. For anyone who sees from the outside my life might look like a bed of roses with no visible problems but only I know…… Taking a trip down the memory lane, I realise that I have had almost all problems a normal girl of my age could have had at the respective ages. From getting tensed about exams and marks in school and love affairs and break ups in college to handling family problems post college, life gave me a fair share of all troubles.

Why am I posting this? Because I feel like dying at present. I just want to empty a bottle of sleeping pills and close my eyes forever. I am in a sincere relationship with my college mate. After college when talks about my marriage started at home, we decided to break the news to both families. I first told my dad about him. Dad is a really practical and loving person who knows nothing other than keeping us happy. He agreed instantly. My joy knew no bounds as the first step was safely crossed. Step 2 was the most difficult one. Breaking the news to my mom. My mom is the really conservative type who doesn’t allow inter caste marriages and wants me to marry a guy from our caste only…something which i loathe. Anyway step 1 itself was very difficult for my mister. He was living with his mom and his dad was abroad. So he had to tell his mom which apparently was not an easy task as his mom was also a really conservative woman. Problem was he was a malayali while me, a tamilian. Our plan was to tell his mom, convince her and then break the news to my mom and convince her. When he told his mom it was worse than a volcano eruption inside his house. She threw the perfect Indian mother tantrums and dramas and when i tried to talk to her, she shut.me up by saying jus one word for five minutes-“no”. I was grief stricken. Guy had tried convincing her but in vain. My dad who had been patient for so many days asked me what was happening with him and his family. And that he was upset since there wasn’t any progress regarding my marriage. On the other side mom was showing me pictures of guys and I kept rejecting them. My dad is a heart patient, my mom a cancer survivor..so they wanted to get me married when they were both fit. Reasonable worry. I have a brother who is doing his m.s in Chicago. Whenever my dad asked me about his family I had played the “lets give them some time” card but that day I could see that dad was really upset. I couldn’t upset my dad. So I told him to proceed with the groom search as his mom had rejected me. I couldn’t hold back my tears when I said that. So much of agony. I cried and cried for days together but without anyone’s knowledge. People thought I was happy when I was feeling pathetic inside. I thought of bringing the 5 years relationship to an end. Stopped talking to him but i couldn’t last a day without calling him. He was equally upset. To make things worse my entrance exam results came and I lost the chances of getting my dream career marginally. Cried my eyes out for that as well. My life was full of tears and depression since April 2015. I had hoped it would be better in 2016 but things had just got worse. The top two priorities of my life-my life partner and my career, both were slipping away from me and the worst part was i couldn’t do anything about it. The only stress buster for me was dancing. I am a classical dancer. Everyday my parents would show me pictures of doctors,.. I didn’t like any of them. How would i when i was in love with some other person?! It was hell. Thought of eloping but that would mean hurting my parents. I didn’t want to do that to the people who gave me only happiness since time immemorial. Thought of staying single all my life. Again, that would hurt my parents. Marrying someone else? Ewww.. The thought of sleeping with someone else was disgusting. I am a person who feels sex is a form of love. So I can never sleep with someone I don’t love. Moreover, lets face it, 5 years relationship, I am not a virgin. Thought of marrying someone and then divorcing him because I would be marrying just for the sake of my parents. But that would mean spoiling the other guy’s life for no reason. I didn’t want to do that either. I feel helpless. My grandmother is a terminal cancer patient..another reason my mom wants to get me married at the earliest. They feel i need my grandparents’ blessings when i marry. We give her really strong analgesics which if taken more than the prescribed dose can prove to be fatal. And I am the one that gives her the tablet every time. Every time I see the bottle of pills I get a strong urge to empty all those in one go and put an end to all the grief and depression I am going through. Just the thought of my parents and my brother stops me from doing that. They will not be able to take it. They ll also die.. I am not exaggerating. Its true. They cant stand my loss… I am really certain about one thing. If my condition goes on like this I might end up emptying that bottle someday. My life at present is at a dead end with no way out… ?