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To the girl who said, “That will never happen to me…” I was raped.

To the girl who said, “That will never happen to me…”

To the girl who said; “That won’t ever happen to me, I know how to handle myself and I won’t let myself get into that situation.” I understand how you are feeling right now, the hopelessness and despair. The feeling that you are a disappointment, that you can’t do anything about what happened…
I understand because, I was that girl not too long ago that didn’t think she would get out of control, that thought that no one would ever take advantage. I thought, if I hadn’t of hosted that party, if I had just manned up and talked to the guy I was trying to talk to that none of it would of happened. But it did and the day after the party I can remember waking up next to a guy that I could not remember even showing up at my house the night before. I remember that whole day was a blur, me trying to piece together what had happened that night; Did I flirt? Did I initiate it? What happened after everyone left? Had I said yes?
Rewind to when the party was just starting to get big, I had been pre-gaming with my friend, trying to get a buzz before everyone arrived so I wouldn’t worry about people breaking anything during the night. I remember worrying that no one would show up, that it would be embarrassing. However, around 11:30 people starting coming, car after car. People starting shot-gunning and taking shots and not long after that I was starting to black out. The last thing I can vividly remember was telling my friend and the kid who woke up next to me in the morning that I had three rules for whenever I went out; “I never brought anyone home, I never had sex when I was drunk and I never gave head.” I took pride in those rules, in myself. The rest of the night is blurry to me, I can recall bits and pieces. Mainly the thing people told me I said or did the next day.
When people started asking me how I was the next day, I slowly started asking people what had happened, if they remembered anything that I had done that night. I can remember nothing past midnight from the party that I hosted. People said they had no idea that I had been black out, that I seemed normal and was coherent and carrying on conversation. They also said that the kid that I had woken up with oddly followed me around the night before. Looking back on it now, that kid came with intentions of trying to hook up. I found out later that he had gotten in a fight with a few friends a couple days before and knew that I was friends with them. I recall thinking, “I’m not this girl, and I’m not the girl who can’t remember nights, the one that does stupid things. I’m not the girl who sleeps with guys after she gets drunk.” I was so lost the day after that I pretended like I knew what had gone on and that I was proud of it, it wasn’t until later that day when my friend started asking questions that I broke down and started crying.
I told her that I had told the guy that I do not ever bring people home that I don’t like to be that girl. I had her call him to find out what had happened that night. He admitted to having sex with me, saying that I came at him and that he had no idea that I was that drunk or didn’t know what I was doing. He said that I had given him head and that I had never mentioned any of my three rules. That he had been drunk at the time too. After hearing what had happened, I wanted to die, I felt sick to my stomach, I had no appetite, I probably just sat and cried until 1 or 2 the next morning. My friends were telling me to tell my parents and own up to drinking underage, I couldn’t. I didn’t want them to think less of me. I was so embarrassed about it that I just put it away and didn’t think about it. The kid’s friend helped me talk about it, about how I should press charges, that I was not a minor so I could go through the process without involving my parents. I told him that I wouldn’t be able to that I could end up in more trouble. He said that what his friend had done was rape and that I shouldn’t just let him get away with it. Friends at the party say that he was completely sober the whole night that he kept repeating that he didn’t want to or plan on drinking. The girl who was with me the whole night said that she distinctly remembers me telling him that I didn’t want to have sex that I wasn’t into him.
Hearing that I had been raped, made it real for me. I started accepting that I was the victim. Sure, I had drank too much that night and gone a little wild but I wasn’t the one in the wrong. I don’t generally go out to get hammered or black out drunk. I started realizing that this doesn’t define who I am and that this one thing shouldn’t make me any less of a person than I was before. I am eternally grateful for all of my friends that helped me see this and to the kid that listened to me sort out everything even though he wasn’t even there. I’ll never be ignorant again or think that I’m too good to let something like this happen to me.
So, to the girls out there who said that you would never be taken advantage of, that rape is just something that happens to “those girls,” that going a little too hard one night won’t have any consequences. I understand how lost you feel, just know that that one night won’t define you. It doesn’t make you any less of a human being or any less deserving of someone to hear your story. I know coming forward can be hard, that you feel like you will have a target on your back that no one will trust you or think you like to have fun. Just remember that those people won’t be the ones who stick around. Your friends will be the ones who help you through.

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