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A month of relationship, a lifetime of memories.

Honestly there’s really nothing to be furious about with what happened.
The ending was just really painful, so here it is.

I’m a 20 year old fresh graduate, for the purpose of this story I will be known as “C” and he’s a 21 year old employee and will be known as “K”. It’s June 15, 2016 when we met on Omegle, very cliche. Before my encounter with him I had been flirting with somebody else and I just got tired of the come and go scenario. So I decided to continue searching but with a different perspective, to find something a bit more serious, so if anything comes up I’ll stop flirting with other men and besides it was just flirting through calling and texting each other. I gave him my Facebook right away when he asked for it because as I have said, I was searching for something a bit more serious. A week goes on and our conversations got deeper, it becomes a daily routine texting each other, then he told me of his illness, he suffers from seizures and I panicked. I don’t know why I did my research, maybe because I don’t now what it meant. I asked him- “Are you crazy?”. I waited for his reply which took a long time I became apologetic about my question thinking that it had offended him. Then he called, asking what am I sorry about and I told him my reason and our conversations got deeper he asked me a question “do you want to take this to the next level?”, I ignored it because my trust issues at this moments were intense and it’s just part of their tactics to weaken my guard. Another week pass by “C” and “K” ‘s communication is still on going not only through text but also several phone calls and he kept on asking a stupid question that I never answered “do you want to take this to the next level?”

June 28, 2016 when we had a deep conversation. I went home from my friends and his grand mother’s wake. He still asked the stupid question and I gave him the question back and with his answers and all, I tried my best not to believe a word he said. After that I don’t know what happened but the commitment is there, he gave it. June 30, the first time I got mad at him and pushed him away, he made several phone calls and I ignored it till I got to the National Museum—I told him “We will talk later”. The bottom line of our conversation is “ASSURANCE”, I need assurance that he is loyal, honest, etc so I got his Facebook address and password and he got mine—(That I did not think over but I gave it to him anyway, he never used mine for some tricks and I’m grateful for that, haha). I ask for assurance in everything he’ll do, screenshots, voice calls, whenever he talks to somebody he made sure my phone is on the line listening to their conversations. Wherever he goes it is as if I was there because one time he did not send only pictures, but he used Skype for me to see it. But I never took my guard down and I kept on asking for his assurance and one time giving me my own, so I changed his relationship status to “It’s complicated” this time I am still not convinced that he had moved on because he got rejected twice and been friend-zoned twice and the second time was a month ago. I asked all of my friends for their opinion including a text and call friend who will now be mentioned as ‘B’ henceforth in this story. He is very simple minded man and very frank with me. He is what I need to be toughened, but that time he (B) asked me to walk away. I thought it through, I wrote down every opinion in my head, pro’s and con’s. I delivered my issues to “K” and he answered deliberately, but I still didn’t trust him. I refused B’s request and I told him: “I want to try this, this may mold me to something good, something beyond me”. I didn’t get a reply after a week then he asked me to pray for it. We were suppose to see each other 2 weeks earlier our actual meet up, but our schedules just don’t fit. July 5, I first time talked to his Father through phone call, It was both alarming and comforting because it is another assurance. But that’s always how it goes with me and the other’s family—welcoming.

That time I got drunk, “K” knows I like saying curses, (involving words like mother and whore) and he was supposed to refrain me for doing that, and I was explaining my self unconsciously not knowing I’m committing my behaviours to him but he did not stop. The fact that it almost did just made me reflect a little right now (in 2-weeks time, really?). That night I was so drunk I told my friends about him. I have tested myself before, I’m consciously very drunk and not saying a word. Our mind really is capable of change but I’m not sure of what factor, but my friend told me I talked about him when I was drunk, I told them that even though we met in a very cliche manner the assurance he gave is just right and satisfying.

July 7, I rewrite my daily prayer intentions and included him. July 8, It’s my ex’s birthday and I greeted him, he replied too flirty. I explained myself to “K” and he took a look at the message and agreed with me (haha).

July 9, by this time we already had our daily routine for our phone calls, before he goes to work, and, 1-2 hours at least, before we sleep. I adjusted my prayer time for our routine and for his early sleep because sleeping late is not good for his health.

July 11, he was so mad with his brother and so sad with the shadows of his past, his illness and everything, I gave him good sights during an event that I’m really not interested to attend (just for the food though). There are times I was tutoring and he is on the line even though we’re not talking that’s fine with me. There’s a day I decided to confess to my parents my grievous sins but fear interfered, I want to confess to them because I have seen his conversation with his friends and he admitted he was envious of what his friends are doing. I want to confess because I don’t want to fall for that and maintain my pure intentions and pure heart. A night before we met we told each other: “We try to be more open with each other”.

July 16, we met at Starbucks, he was supposed to order but I don’t want anything from it because I was so full that time so he didn’t he is attempting to hold my hand but I keep on getting it back. We ate at a barbecue fast-food restaurant and my hands were so dirty even though I’m using the spoon and fork. We watched his idols, “Imagine you and me”, a movie. We were holding each other’s hand and he said the magic words (I love you) and kissed my forehead. I was happy. But deep inside I’m telling my self, the things I asked from my ex he is willingly giving it to me. Then he gripped my hand tightly, “something’s wrong ?”, I asked him, and he denied the fact that  he was trying his best to keep his emotions all through the movie. I kept seeing through because his face is showing it. I was laughing inside. The last part made me grip and he thought I was flattered but the truth is I just got shocked with the ending of the movie. We were supposed to stay and talk a little bit more but the movie is only for single time viewing. We ate again and windows shopped a little. After that, we headed to a marketplace, I want to go there because my favourite adoration chapel is placed there. But unfortunately it was closed. So we just prayed inside the church. We stayed longer and talked and it was comforting. Daily Routine continues.

July 20, at night he told me: “I don’t want to continue” It was painful, very painful and I as typical girl does, asked for reasons, why he kept on telling me I don’t deserve his love, he can’t give back the love I give to him, he mentioned various reasons but the only things I believed is that he was so envious of his friends and I can’t give him what I want, slightly I believed the “deserving part” so I confessed my self, I’m not the purest girl, I mentioned that me and my ex had already done it and I was involved in cyber sex and pornography. After a long-short conversation he said he wanted to try again, start over. I was hesitant this time because I think he just wanted sex from me. So I gave a condition, if on Friday, he wasn’t present, it will be over. He had work that day but I didn’t care, I needed assurance. Friday, July 22, 5:45 pm he was there, the blabbering is enough for me as an assurance by that time, and I gave him my answer in the cinema: “okay we can continue”. It was so easy for me to forgive him already unlike before. I got my hug, I always wanted it from him. It was worth it, the 5 hours that I spent with him. He even tied my shoes. But the kisses on my forehead is the best part. I think it’s sincere but my trust issues is interfering as always.

July 23, he texted me : “We need to talk”. I was in my community that time and try my best to focus on the talk but it’s hard. I prayed, asked God to pray for me because I’m already anticipating what is it about and telling my self: “Here it goes again”. I asked God that he prepare me for the pain or Joy that is to come, God and I will keep it together.

Sunday, July 24, he texted me: “It is over” he changed his Facebook password and everything”. It was so sudden, it confused me but I had prepared my self for this. The closure that every girl wants and every broken-hearted lady deserves, I asked it from him and he gave it to me—so we talked through Skype, and he began to cry. That very tears convinced me a little that everything that happened before was all true, he showed what he really feels about me. So I asked “B” if tears are a symbol of their sincerity and as frank as he is, he said yes. So I was really convinced but I didn’t understand why he doesn’t want to continue anymore? He still loved me, but he said he is just not ready yet. And still I have a little insight that this is still about sex. He sang his songs to me again as Sunday was supposed to be the last time, we talked to each other and we did not hold back, giving kisses through the camera, sharing our feelings. But I asked for another week, because I want the total truth from him and he said okay. Sunday night, we had this confessions that the first week weeks of our friendship was just in the intention of flirting. He told me that he was just into Omegle so that he’ll gain strength. I told him I was just into flirting also by that time though. But it had gone differently when I came, he said. He was sorry, because he asked to gamble in this game that we’re both not ready for and here he is giving up on me. This Love I’ve been avoiding, love out of emotion and not from decision. The thing is, it’s only me who decided to love all through and he is still reassuring himself if he is ready for it and I was blinded by his actions and believing he is ready for it as well. So I lost it. And he lost me too. I know my beauty is not in top rank but I also know I’m quite a catch. He is the most sincere guy I have ever met, we curse each other and everything but in that part- the gambling part, he just gave me the partial truth and I only thought it was the whole of it. Monday, I told him my objective for another week and he agreed. So even though I don’t know his passwords and everything he gave me assurance, he gave me screenshots of hi conversation with his friends because I asked him not to talk about me and my past and he assured me he won’t, but I’m still scared. The next conversation I asked for is between his best friend (the serious type). Some parts were deleted and one caught my attention. “K”: I don’t need you, “Friend”: Go to hell. I interrogated a bit and he was forced to tell me: “K”- I give up !, “Friend”: Why are you like this ?. So they will see each other on that day. I told him I had another request, I wanted to be on the line so that I would know, how sincere he really was and that I would not be talked about shamefully, so he was forced to agreed. I was disappointed with their conversation because instead of comforting, his friends gave him guilt. I thought after these, I will get how the boys think, and how they are capable of talking about their feelings, but most really just can’t without getting drunk. I was just lucky that “K” is sensitive and this is his biggest edge among boys I have met, it is because he has this childhood best friend that he respected a lot and that’s the very foundation of it. After their conversation “K” got bombarded again by his sadness and I told him that he just gave me assurance, that’s why he gave his account to me, and that his friends never knew me, that’s why they thought I would black mail them. Another deep conversation on Monday and I got yet another truth.

I asked the truth behind our 1st parting-conversation–when he 1st said “I don’t want to do this anymore”

His reasons: “Lust, I became jealous of his friends and wanted sex etc.”–purpose: Challenging me if I would yield but he knew I wouldn’t.

His real reason: “I felt you were not yet ready.”

From this baseless conversation, I won’t get what they (his friends), will say, all of us will tell our partial truths and from this, maybe I’m still not ready maybe because I do not know how to read between the lines. But for sure because, I don’t know how to trust yet.

It still painful because I know I have poured my heart. But I’m happy of what happened. It was the truest intimate relationship I have experienced and my heart is happy about it. It was sad because it was so short. But if it gone too long it will be harder for me to move on. I’m grateful that I only shared 2 of my favourite foods with him, Ice cream and Kuek-Kuek (Tokneneng), It will be hard for me to eat them right now because I’ll definitely remember you. I’m grateful for I have met a sincere man that I believe doesn’t exist for a long time. I can’t get angry with you, and this a change I’ll endure forever to control my temper. I still love you.

Please know that you are also worthy of love, please believe what I told you is true: “I understand the pain of loss, I know it can be difficult to let someone go. But those decisions are what gives us the strength to move on. Thank you for a month of great relationship and great time. Thank you for a weeks extension of being good friends. I know you made some wrong decisions but you knew I loved you anyway. You must have heard about no sex until three months, rule haha. but I don’t care. You were the greatest man to have ever come in my life and I cherish that. We will keep the experience of this relationship for future references.

Maybe I don’t deserve marriage, because I have trust issues, I will probably just end up suspecting my husband all the time.
I’m not sure yet.
But I trust God, he’s still moulding me for something great or better yet for something good.

I might love “K” as Snape loved Lily, I’m not sure yet, I might move on first and got in a relationship first and I know it will hurt him but this is 1% possibility, he might be the first to move on and it will hurt me as well. I’m not certain of anything. I just know right now that I still love him straight from the heart and I know also the fact that it is over. So shouting that love to the roof is pointless.

My Love

I love you Good Bye!

K and C are now just a memory.

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