There are so many things that I need to tell someone.
I was sexually abused at the age of twelve by three or four people because I was drinking at a New Years Eve street festival. My grandparents trusted me and my sister to go by ourselves and I betrayed their trust and was raped.
My father was a horrible narcissistic man who has never said a kind word to me sober. I have lived my life trying so hard to gain his approval.
I had sex with so many different people in my teen years because it made me feel like someone thought I was beautiful.
I drink until I don’t remember anything and so awful things in that state.
I had Sex with my exes friend in a park in the dirt and I don’t even know why.
My husband was my father all over again he was cruel and made me feel worthless everyday that I spent with him but I clung onto him because I just wanted to have a normal life.
My baby died and I held him in my arms and prayed that he would take a breath and open his eyes.
I was cruel and heartless and disrespectful to Dan I made him feel small and worthless and it made me feel like I had control.
I have slept with married men.
I have lied and cheated and hurt so many people.
I could be a better mother my kids are the most beautiful people in the world and they need more of my attention. I am so selfish, I only think about how I feel.
My house is a mess, my job is a mess, my life is a mess.
I don’t know how to love properly I have so many people that I love and I don’t know how to do it right.
I want to be in control, I want to be organised. I want a better relationship with my children. I want to find someone to spend my life with because I am so afraid of being alone.
I don’t feel like I deserve a normal happy life because I have been such a shitty person and hurt so many people.
My kids deserve a mother like mine and I don’t know how to be that.
I don’t know how to be good at everything… How to be a good mother and so well at my job, and give time to the people that I love, and keep my house clean and manage money, and look after my health. I just feel like I am so lost and confused like I am drowning and I can’t move my limbs.
I don’t know where to start.
I wish my story would end but that nobody would get hurt, like I could be erased and nobody would ever know that they actually knew me.. That I existed.
I don’t know why I am the way I am I feel so crazy all of the time like when I want to do something, something inside me makes me so the complete opposite. It’s almost like I derail and lose control and I want to be somebody that I’m not I wish that I was the person I want to be but every time I try I feel like someone else is in control of me and I take a back seat and just watch it all explode and then I just can’t understand how I let it happen but I know it will keep happening.
