I am stuck with a man that has no dreams, no plans, no interest, no motivation, nothing whatsoever apart from cursing and giving me shit every time he loses or failed in his clash of clan battle or raid. A friend introduced me to this guy last year in August, he was very silent and calm at that time, we were having a drink at my friend’s house and God I’m so drunk. We end up in my apartment and do what most adult do and then we decided to continue what we started since I am single and so does he, at first, we get along just fine until everything changed. He become manipulative, a very controlling guy, from work to school to friends and to those people I know, I lost them all. It all start consuming me, draining every piece of me. Then it happened, we had a car accident November last year which I thought would be a wake up call but instead “I was to blame”, I had a miscarriage six months ago to our first baby and apparently “I was to blame”, I mean what did I do? That three months I’m carrying that baby and this guy had nothing in mind but his f* game and friends and care nothing for me or even the child I’m carrying. Everyday is like living in hell, all the fights, cursing, pointing finger at me for no logical reason at all, I tried to escape, I runaway, I went to my place in the province just to escape all his tortures and the prize I pay is to lose the child in my womb. I’m exhausted. I started seeing things differently, I was successful in my job, earn my living decently, I have my apartment all dues and bills are paid by me, I have few investments which was doing fine, I even pursue my education because it was one of my greatest goal in life but then he came, everything had gone down the drain so fast, I lost everything, all is lost. I keep asking myself why end up like this, why I settled for a man who can’t even stand for his own, a man who cannot even pass an oral job interview, why, why such a burden? I am so disappointed at myself right now and thinking of suicide is one of the few thoughts that is going on in my head for the last few days because I can’t live with the man that had brought me so much pain. There are those days when I completely shut down myself because I’m dead inside. I am still living with this guy with his family and it felt like I’m already dead. I want my life back, I want the old me, I want to find myself and claim it. I am lost, I am so lost, I don’t want to live anymore, I just want to be gone.
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