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Used to wish I didn’t have an average life. Now it’s the other way around

I was born into an average life, and an average family. Really everything was too normal that it was annoying to a degree that I had nothing to do in my life. I prayed to God to have something kind of exciting in my life or I was hoping I would move out of the country. Then things happened. One summer, my family decided to travel for a vacation. We did travel, but what happened is that, our return tickets had been cancelled and we were stuck in this new country where I am stuck in right now. When we left I didn’t even tell my friends that I am travelling so I didn’t have the chance to say goodbye. Even though when I was a kid I wanted to leave my country, but in my teens I actually started to love my home, friends, and the state I was in. I was starting to get comfortable in my own life, I actually started appreciating who I am, where I was born, and my family. Even the same day we had to leave, I had that small feeling that it will take us a while to come back, and that was the first time I actually felt sad and depressed for leaving my home for the purpose of having a vacation and actually taking a break from my life. That feeling turned out to be true, those 3 months turned to 4 years and a half now. My friends back home started to change and as time pass we talk little, even though I was friend with them for 11 years now. I still talk with my friends, but it is not as much deep at it used to be. One would think that the person who is leaving would forget about his old life, but it is actually he or she that would be attached to it the most, and others would move on. For three years in this new country I was in depression without even knowing, and even my family didn’t pay attention to it because they were kind of in the same situation as I am. When I was 3rd grade, I got into a private school that got all the grades from KG to high school senior, and during those years I was in it, I was actually planning how I will graduate from it with my friends that I have known for a long time now, and I was such a kid that planned her future till her career, and I actually planned to what college I wanted to go. Because my plans have been ruined I stopped planning for anything anymore because I am afraid from that drastic change to happen again. So now I’m the type of person that if you asked what I am planning I will just answer you by saying that I will go with the flow.
Furthermore, in those three years of depression, I actually started freshman year of high school in the new country, and I had to deal with cultural shock. I am a person who have anxiety, it took me 3 years in my own country in that private school to make friends, then how about a new country and another language and culture? I was actually good at in English since my private school was based on a British curriculum, but because I was anxious other students thought that I sucked at it. I used to always get stared at in classroom, and I don’t know if it was the friendly type of stare, or if it was “what a weirdo, does she even speak English?” type of stare. Still I had a couple of friends in that first year, and it was because they were curious about me and my life. Of course I had many breakdowns during school time because I just wanted to go home and I can’t live like this anymore. My second year we moved to another place and I had also some friends in that new high school. Third year in the middle of school year my family wanted to move but I couldn’t just handle the thought of making new friends and attend a new high school so I begged them to let me stay for at least the end of the school year, and so they did move and put me with people they knew as my guardians. It was tough living with people I didn’t know and they were really annoying and they laughed at everything that I did, even though they didn’t mean it and they were actually trying to be nice and try to approach me with comedy. This third year without my family really broke me down, and I just don’t feel stable any more because of moving a lot. Fourth year I moved to where my parents moved and that was where the last high school I attended before graduating. I had many friends in this one, and that is whenever I started to get over that unstable feeling, and I started to get back hope in life. I graduated, it was fun. Now I am in college and I’m kind of annoyed because I really don’t want to have the responsibility of an adult, and I am already lost on what I should do or not. What got me to write this is that today my friends back home graduated high school, and I was looking at the video where they get on the stage that I have wished I would get on almost all my life, and all my friends were in that video. It just broke my heart. I know the situation back home is really bad and there is war going on, and now I live in a better country. I know I am in a better education system right now. I know a lot of people wish to be in my place. I know many people deserve to live my life because I am absolutely not appreciating it right now. I just want to go home. My family have already started adapting in here. It just doesn’t feel right to just let go of my country. It feels like I am betraying my country if I start to appreciate what I have in here. My older siblings say that I am living the life they wish they had as kids and they always dreamed of living in here, and here I am throwing all of that opportunity away, and I always tell them that not all kings love to live in that fancy castle, but they want to live in that poor house and have close friends and happy life.

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