Age 10 grade 5

• Picked on quite a bit as a kid even before age 10, just wasn’t as bad
• Been to 3 elementary schools because of bullying
• Got stuff thrown at me
• Called every name in the book
• Ugly, pig, old, mole ear, beaver, and more
• Kids attempted to follow me home a couple times
• Tried to throw my backpack in the creek
• Shrugged it off the best I could with my one or two friends who were actually my own age even though I was miserable

Age 11 grade 6

• Fastest kid in my grade
• Man I could run
• Probably why I wasn’t picked on worse
• Bullying got worse
• School got new teacher
• I ended up in her class
• She was a huge BITCH and I mean BITCH
• Very obviously hated me
• Helped bullies by getting me in trouble for no reason
• Detention every day
• Whole class hated me
• She moved me around the room many times because there was a problem wherever my seat was
• Straight up told me I was the problem, I was in tears
• Put me at bad kids table
• I was seated next to the worst of my bullies
• Found out that I had ADHD (Attention defict/ hyperactivity disorder)
• Shit got better with the teacher for maybe a week
• Then it just got even worse than before
• My parents were called for little to no reason constantly
• Almost always yelled at when I got home
• Suicidal
• Would go home every day and instantly go to my closet, get a noose (A knot used to hang people) and see if I had the guts to end my life)
• In the counsellors office more often then I was in class
• Best friend abandoned me for popular fags
• One day, I had an especially bad day at school then got screamed at when I came home, I don’t remember why
• Crying hysterically I bolted in my room, slammed the door, threw myself on the bed and just cried more
• 20 minutes later I remembered something
• I had recently learned what self harm was
• Eyes glanced to pair of medical scissors on bookshelf
• got up, grabbed them, and sat down on my bed again
• I started scratching my skin, not quite enough to draw blood but enough to make a mark
• I started cutting at 11 years old
• I felt better, did this every day

Age 12 grade 7

• ADHD medication doses just kept getting larger
• Taking 42 mg when I was only a child, a small one at that
• Slowly turned into a zombie
• Cuts got deeper, drew blood
• Bullying didn’t let up
• But I did get more friends, we were the outcasts, nerds, dorks, goths, and emos
• What we had in common was that people hated us
• Treated like I was some sort of disease
• I was treated so bad that when my phone was stolen when a kind soul got it back from his friends and gave it back to me I cried tears of happiness
• I couldn’t believe it, someone treated me like a person, I cried and I cried hard, made my entire week
• Got into roller derby
• I was FANTASTIC at it, holy shit, I fucking SHINED
• And I just got better and better, stronger and stronger

Age 13 grade 8

• Roller derby made me somewhat aggressive seeing that I could actually defend myself now
• Slammed a kid into a locker once, because he was in my way
• My poor bf at the time’s eyes widened and just continued walking with me
• Speaking of that ex, he was absolutely insane
• Emo fag who upstaged all my problems
• Each time I would say anything he would follow up with “uhh well I was raped so that doesn’t really compare”
• He stabbed his hand with a pencil in the middle of fucking class and drank the blood
• 10x more aggressive than I ever was, though he could be a massive pussy half the time
• He never hit me but he talked about gore so much he frankly terrified me
• Stayed two extra months unhappy because I knew he would freak out
• When I did end it and started to walk away, he grabbed my arm and looked in my eyes and said “no! Please don’t break up with me!”
• The fuck, no it’s over
• Heard he cried all lunch
• Kids started being able to run faster than I could
• “just give up (my name), you’re weak”
• I was dumb enough to actually give up
• Parents found out I was cutting myself
• Dragged me to the psychiatrist office
• Asked me how long I had been doing it
• I said since 6th grade
• “two years???” My father said
• I still remember the look on his face and the tears in his eyes
• My mom was really nothing but pissed
• Never taken back for the same reason

Age 14 grade 9

• Bullying let up a tiny bit
• Though I was about ready to give up
• Still cutting daily, cuts got deeper
• Ripped apart my skin at one point because I wanted to feel something, even if it was pain
• Got friends who were like me
• A little happier, even befriended a druggie who made some questionable decisions because I literally had no judgement for others
• got gf
• At first it was great
• Took me to her group
• She then avoided me, cheated on me, almost got fucking pregnant (I’m a chick….)
• I just kept coming back because I loved her
• She eventually dumped me
• Tried to hang out with her so much then I tried to go back to my friends but they weren’t there anymore
• Heart broke
• Developed anorexia( Eating disorder, started eating very less)
• I slowly wasted away and nobody said shit
• I was alone in my former group
• No one ever talked to me
• Reached 95 pounds and no one said anything but the girls crowding me in the PE locker room asking me for my secret to being thin
• I’d just giggle and say “I don’t know, I love food”
• Lie, I became too good at lying for my own good
• Reached 85 pounds
• My roller derby skills lagged like hell
• Figured out that they wouldn’t put me on the travel team because I was too small
• A hazard on the track they said, that if I was in a real match, I could potentially die
• My heart sunk to my stomach
• Skip to summer
• 83.8 pounds
• Would collapse sometimes
• Vision would fade then maybe 15 seconds later my legs would give out from under me
• And I couldn’t move or see the most fucked up part was that I was completely conscious
• The rest of my senses were heightened
• I will never forget how the floor felt under my unloving body, how my bones pressed into the wood floor
• I still remember the way my heart would beat like a frightened rabbit well I lied there on the floor praying my mother wouldn’t find me there
• My mother found out I was taking her diet pills
• screamed at me
• Stripped my room
• Threw away everything even loosely associated with my disorder
• Even diary entries and shit
• Grounded
• All my dad did was cry
• He said we should get strong together since he was an alcoholic, though what he was talking about never happened

Age 15 grade 10

• Cut off all my hair
• Faked my friendly personality
• Even lifted weights to get my mom off my back
• Tomboys don’t get eating disorders right?
• Actually got pretty popular
• Bullying almost stopped
• No one knew I was still starving myself
• Exploring myself sexually
• Sent nudes to random chick on kik I met on Omegle (Anonymous chatting website )
• She didn’t send anything back
• She just blackmailed me for more and more
• And if I didn’t do exactly what she wanted she would post my pics to the internet
• “shhh as long as you’re a good girl you’re safe”
• “shhh we’re just having fun”
• “why are you crying?”
• Was actually dumb enough to send more
• Hours later she wanted to skype me
• Sent me instructions through kik
• To stop the torture even just for a minute I said I was a singer and could sing to her
• And I was, I recently got a solo in choir and sung that to her
• She said “wow I smiled through my tears, I was so happy but felt so empty and used
• A half hour later she was satisfied
• I deleted her shit
• For a year or two after I couldn’t fap or even look at porn without having a panic attack
• Claimed to be asexual for awhile to further detach myself from the incident
• Started to be very afraid of kik
• Avoided the absolute fuck out of anything related to it
• Pushed it away like it never happened
• Told myself it happened freshman year instead of sophomore year as sort of an “well I was young” excuse

Age 16 grade 11

• Got kik again so I could talk to a boy I liked
• Took months of convincing me to go near it again though
• Ran into solid evidence that the incident was not when I was 14 but 15
• Figured it’s not healthy to deny shit
• Tried to fix it on my own
• Big mistake
• Panic attacks every week, sometimes every day or even more than once a day
• Had panic attacks in the middle of class, had to go to the nurses office, fucking embarrassing
• I knew damn well I was broken so on the outside I smiled but on the inside I frantically tried to put myself back together

Age 17 grade 12

• I had failed at fixing myself
• I had just given up, starting being a cunt to cover up that I wasn’t whole
• I still want to die
• I’m 18 now and graduated high school
• My boyfriend doesn’t trust me one little bit (the guy I liked that I mentioned earlier)
• Even though I have never EVER cheated on him and wouldn’t ever dream of it
• He says he doesn’t trust anyone
• He already abandoned me once based on false suspicion
• He came back apologising and told me he loved me
• I’m so terrified he’ll walk away again it keeps me up at night
• I could never leave him, as sad as his mistrust makes me, it’s worth putting up with for the good times
• I actually have problems talking dirty with him over text because of my past
• I just say it’s because all this stuff is new to me, which well it is
• He knows it happened he just doesn’t know why I act so awkward and detached during phone sexy times
• I may see a therapist soon, I’ve made a call about it
• I’m 18 now so I can go on my own and my parents don’t need to know
• I have a job so I can pay for it, but my job is about to lay me off I can tell
• As the weather gets colder there will be less business and my hours were already cut
• That and one of the managers hates my guts for whatever reason
• I’m looking for a new job but I don’t know if I can get one in time to keep my therapy sessions if I so choose to start them
• I don’t expect anyone to read all this shit, but it least I got it off my chest. If you read all this, thank you, it often feels like I’m screaming on the inside. I’m so tired of feeling alone.