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From age 10 to 18, I have done pretty much nothing but hurt myself. Both physically and emotionally

Age 10 grade 5

  • Picked on quite a bit as a kid even before age 10, just wasn’t as bad
  • Been to 3 elementary schools because of bullying
  • Got stuff thrown at me
  • Called every name in the book
  • Ugly, pig, old, mole ear, beaver, and more
  • Kids attempted to follow me home a couple times
  • Tried to throw my backpack in the creek
  • Shrugged it off the best I could with my one or two friends who were actually my own age even though I was miserable

Age 11 grade 6

  • Fastest kid in my grade
  • Man I could run
  • Probably why I wasn’t picked on worse
  • Bullying got worse
  • School got new teacher
  • I ended up in her class
  • She was a huge BITCH and I mean BITCH
  • Very obviously hated me
  • Helped bullies by getting me in trouble for no reason
  • Detention every day
  • Whole class hated me
  • She moved me around the room many times because there was a problem wherever my seat was
  • Straight up told me I was the problem, I was in tears
  • Put me at bad kids table
  • I was seated next to the worst of my bullies
  • Found out that I had ADHD (Attention defict/ hyperactivity disorder)
  • Shit got better with the teacher for maybe a week
  • Then it just got even worse than before
  • My parents were called for little to no reason constantly
  • Almost always yelled at when I got home
  • Suicidal
  • Would go home every day and instantly go to my closet, get a noose (A knot used to hang people) and see if I had the guts to end my life)
  • In the counsellors office more often then I was in class
  • Best friend abandoned me for popular fags
  • One day, I had an especially bad day at school then got screamed at when I came home, I don’t remember why
  • Crying hysterically I bolted in my room, slammed the door, threw myself on the bed and just cried more
  • 20 minutes later I remembered something
  • I had recently learned what self harm was
  • Eyes glanced to pair of medical scissors on bookshelf
  • got up, grabbed them, and sat down on my bed again
  • I started scratching my skin, not quite enough to draw blood but enough to make a mark
  • I started cutting at 11 years old
  • I felt better, did this every day

Age 12 grade 7

  • ADHD medication doses just kept getting larger
  • Taking 42 mg when I was only a child, a small one at that
  • Slowly turned into a zombie
  • Cuts got deeper, drew blood
  • Bullying didn’t let up
  • But I did get more friends, we were the outcasts, nerds, dorks, goths, and emos
  • What we had in common was that people hated us
  • Treated like I was some sort of disease
  • I was treated so bad that when my phone was stolen when a kind soul got it back from his friends and gave it back to me I cried tears of happiness
  • I couldn’t believe it, someone treated me like a person, I cried and I cried hard, made my entire week
  • Got into roller derby
  • I was FANTASTIC at it, holy shit, I fucking SHINED
  • And I just got better and better, stronger and stronger

Age 13 grade 8

  • Roller derby made me somewhat aggressive seeing that I could actually defend myself now
  • Slammed a kid into a locker once, because he was in my way
  • My poor bf at the time’s eyes widened and just continued walking with me
  • Speaking of that ex, he was absolutely insane
  • Emo fag who upstaged all my problems
  • Each time I would say anything he would follow up with “uhh well I was raped so that doesn’t really compare”
  • He stabbed his hand with a pencil in the middle of fucking class and drank the blood
  • 10x more aggressive than I ever was, though he could be a massive pussy half the time
  • He never hit me but he talked about gore so much he frankly terrified me
  • Stayed two extra months unhappy because I knew he would freak out
  • When I did end it and started to walk away, he grabbed my arm and looked in my eyes and said “no! Please don’t break up with me!”
  • The fuck, no it’s over
  • Heard he cried all lunch
  • Kids started being able to run faster than I could
  • “just give up (my name), you’re weak”
  • I was dumb enough to actually give up
  • Parents found out I was cutting myself
  • Dragged me to the psychiatrist office
  • Asked me how long I had been doing it
  • I said since 6th grade
  • “two years???” My father said
  • I still remember the look on his face and the tears in his eyes
  • My mom was really nothing but pissed
  • Never taken back for the same reason

Age 14 grade 9

  • Bullying let up a tiny bit
  • Though I was about ready to give up
  • Still cutting daily, cuts got deeper
  • Ripped apart my skin at one point because I wanted to feel something, even if it was pain
  • Got friends who were like me
  • A little happier, even befriended a druggie who made some questionable decisions because I literally had no judgement for others
  • got gf
  • At first it was great
  • Took me to her group
  • She then avoided me, cheated on me, almost got fucking pregnant (I’m a chick….)
  • I just kept coming back because I loved her
  • She eventually dumped me
  • Tried to hang out with her so much then I tried to go back to my friends but they weren’t there anymore
  • Heart broke
  • Developed anorexia( Eating disorder, started eating very less)
  • I slowly wasted away and nobody said shit
  • I was alone in my former group
  • No one ever talked to me
  • Reached 95 pounds and no one said anything but the girls crowding me in the PE locker room asking me for my secret to being thin
  • I’d just giggle and say “I don’t know, I love food”
  • Lie, I became too good at lying for my own good
  • Reached 85 pounds
  • My roller derby skills lagged like hell
  • Figured out that they wouldn’t put me on the travel team because I was too small
  • A hazard on the track they said, that if I was in a real match, I could potentially die
  • My heart sunk to my stomach
  • Skip to summer
  • 83.8 pounds
  • Would collapse sometimes
  • Vision would fade then maybe 15 seconds later my legs would give out from under me
  • And I couldn’t move or see the most fucked up part was that I was completely conscious
  • The rest of my senses were heightened
  • I will never forget how the floor felt under my unloving body, how my bones pressed into the wood floor
  • I still remember the way my heart would beat like a frightened rabbit well I lied there on the floor praying my mother wouldn’t find me there
  • My mother found out I was taking her diet pills
  • screamed at me
  • Stripped my room
  • Threw away everything even loosely associated with my disorder
  • Even diary entries and shit
  • Grounded
  • All my dad did was cry
  • He said we should get strong together since he was an alcoholic, though what he was talking about never happened

Age 15 grade 10

  • Cut off all my hair
  • Faked my friendly personality
  • Even lifted weights to get my mom off my back
  • Tomboys don’t get eating disorders right?
  • Actually got pretty popular
  • Bullying almost stopped
  • No one knew I was still starving myself
  • Exploring myself sexually
  • Sent nudes to random chick on kik I met on Omegle (Anonymous chatting website )
  • She didn’t send anything back
  • She just blackmailed me for more and more
  • And if I didn’t do exactly what she wanted she would post my pics to the internet
  • “shhh as long as you’re a good girl you’re safe”
  • “shhh we’re just having fun”
  • “why are you crying?”
  • Was actually dumb enough to send more
  • Hours later she wanted to skype me
  • Sent me instructions through kik
  • To stop the torture even just for a minute I said I was a singer and could sing to her
  • And I was, I recently got a solo in choir and sung that to her
  • She said “wow I smiled through my tears, I was so happy but felt so empty and used
  • A half hour later she was satisfied
  • I deleted her shit
  • For a year or two after I couldn’t fap or even look at porn without having a panic attack
  • Claimed to be asexual for awhile to further detach myself from the incident
  • Started to be very afraid of kik
  • Avoided the absolute fuck out of anything related to it
  • Pushed it away like it never happened
  • Told myself it happened freshman year instead of sophomore year as sort of an “well I was young” excuse

Age 16 grade 11

  • Got kik again so I could talk to a boy I liked
  • Took months of convincing me to go near it again though
  • Ran into solid evidence that the incident was not when I was 14 but 15
  • Figured it’s not healthy to deny shit
  • Tried to fix it on my own
  • Big mistake
  • Panic attacks every week, sometimes every day or even more than once a day
  • Had panic attacks in the middle of class, had to go to the nurses office, fucking embarrassing
  • I knew damn well I was broken so on the outside I smiled but on the inside I frantically tried to put myself back together

Age 17 grade 12

  • I had failed at fixing myself
  • I had just given up, starting being a cunt to cover up that I wasn’t whole
  • I still want to die
  • I’m 18 now and graduated high school
  • My boyfriend doesn’t trust me one little bit (the guy I liked that I mentioned earlier)
  • Even though I have never EVER cheated on him and wouldn’t ever dream of it
  • He says he doesn’t trust anyone
  • He already abandoned me once based on false suspicion
  • He came back apologising and told me he loved me
  • I’m so terrified he’ll walk away again it keeps me up at night
  • I could never leave him, as sad as his mistrust makes me, it’s worth putting up with for the good times
  • I actually have problems talking dirty with him over text because of my past
  • I just say it’s because all this stuff is new to me, which well it is
  • He knows it happened he just doesn’t know why I act so awkward and detached during phone sexy times
  • I may see a therapist soon, I’ve made a call about it
  • I’m 18 now so I can go on my own and my parents don’t need to know
  • I have a job so I can pay for it, but my job is about to lay me off I can tell
  • As the weather gets colder there will be less business and my hours were already cut
  • That and one of the managers hates my guts for whatever reason
  • I’m looking for a new job but I don’t know if I can get one in time to keep my therapy sessions if I so choose to start them
  • I don’t expect anyone to read all this shit, but it least I got it off my chest. If you read all this, thank you, it often feels like I’m screaming on the inside. I’m so tired of feeling alone.

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