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My life is becoming a mess

Hey! I don’t know how many people would read this. But, I just needed to share my emotions.
I am seventeen year old Indian girl. And my life is becoming a mess. I won’t call myself a day-dreamer, but I had quite novel thoughts about this world, about everyone around me. But, I have started to realise how double-faced and mean the world can be. I see nothing but negativity and I often cry. The only thing I have learned so far and am happy to learn is how to hold tears by looking upwards. There are things that make me happy. But, I soon wear that out. I have started to fall, I am breaking and I don’t think I have an idea why! I feel trapped and long for a home that I doubt does not exist.
I wish people could feel the pain they give on a regular basis, how I feel, think and experience things. I am girl and I regularly face staring eyes and dirty minds, but on the other hand I am called fat, short and many other things. I have too many issues. I want to fight, but I don’t. I don’t know why!
And, now my grandfather is dying. I have been ignoring this nasty thought for weeks but today my father called me and asked if I could take a leave from school. I told him about my coming exams and he was disturbed. He said, “Your grandfather would not survive till then.” I am broken.
I have too many issues to handle, I am confused, I am a teenager and I am dying internally. Death allures me more than anything else, these days. But, I am not suicidal. I would never kill myself.
The friends I trust, leave me at some time, I can name many. The one I had for 5 years. The one I had for 3 years and the one I trusted the most, the one who is drifting apart now. I can see that she is tired of me. I can tell by how she behaves that she does not like me anymore. I know what is going to happen to us. But, I am not going to stop her. Let her go. I am too tired to hold on.
I just want all my secrets back, all those sad things I shared with her. I want them back.
I don’t know what I want.

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