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Primary school bullying has gotten me into state of low self esteem

I just can never be happy with myself anymore.
I have never done this before and probably will attempt it again after this but I do need to let some things out I have never told anyone about.
I was bullied in primary school. To the point where I would try make up excuses to not have to go to school, because I absolutely hated it and I was constantly worried or scared. I was always told I was ugly and that my features were not pretty, which really changed me as a person and who I am today, especially because I was in primary school I was way too young to feel so much hate and sadness and I think that’s why I will never be able to move on from this. I always felt my family loved my older broth more than me, the only reason why I could think this was… was because I was ugly. No child or baby should ever be told or have to feel that they are ugly. But I didn’t get a choice. I was always a happy child, calm, innocent, fun, and beautiful. But after I changed, I was scared of people, I became unsociable, put myself down, and absolutely hated myself. I was glad to leave school when moving on to secondary school, but when it came my first day, I was trying to plan what I would say to my parents to convince them to not send me. I was so scared that instead of having a fresh start, I would be bullied and hurt again. So I decided to be a popular kid. Be everyone’s friend, be confident, fun, funny, clever, and beautiful. After two years of trying to be someone who I clearly wasn’t, I disappeared at school. I left my friends, and I realized how stupid I was acting. I had to be myself, and a small group of good friends was all I truly needed to be happy. So I tried to find a group I would fit in with. After shifting around a lot, I ended up with a childhood best friend who had actually gone primary school with me. I wasted almost 4 years before reaching them, I wish I’d found them sooner, it was one of the best decisions I have ever made, and I am still with them today. The year before my GCSE’S ( an exam ) was tough. Exam stress came with panic and anxiety attacks, and primary school came back to haunt me. If I was ever alone, in bed or in the shower, I’d suddenly feel low, and everything would come back to me. Ugly, stupid, dumb, worthless, alone. I’d break down. It took me 4 years to build up the courage to speak to my school pastoral care, because I wished to speak to a helper since my first day. But I went and we took it slow and I got support. But I still struggled to open up completely. I got so bad mentally, I began to self harm. I had to tell someone so I told about my life, to my pastoral care, and then was forced to tell my parents. They were devastated. But were great and I couldn’t ever thank them enough. For safety precautions I was sent to a mental clinical but after my one visit was told I didn’t have to go again. Even though now I’m fine, I still break down some nights. Like tonight, so I forced myself to do this to somehow maybe feel a bit calmer. Some nights it all just comes back, and I can’t control it. I am now convinced I will never get a boyfriend, a husband, or even a beautiful family I have always dreamed of, which I still dream of. Though it sounds silly, it’s true and it kills me. No one will ever like me, fall in love with me marry me, and I never will have beautiful children, in fear of them ever in slightly looking like me. I’ve given up on my life, and i’m a coward for doing so, I know. But this is my life. I can’t look in the mirror without seeing all my flaws, and hearing them nasty comments again. No one know this much about my past. But there it is. I still dream my silly dreams, and if I ever was lucky enough to find someone, I think I’d be too scared that he could do better, and just leave me. So I’d rather save him the time and me the pain. Because I seriously don’t know how much more I may be able to handle. To anyone reading this just know you’re beautiful and loved so much, and though I’d wish to be told these beautiful things I just can’t hear or believe them anymore. Thank you so much for being there for me and my story.

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