I always knew I was different to everyone else as a kid, when your step father’s a murderer and your mum is a selfish money hungry drug dealer. Everything got so messed up. When I turned thirteen my step father died of hepatitis C. I watched him suffer for a year or two. I hardly remember now but I will never forget the torment of watching someone you love even though they didn’t create you, they always still cared for you more then your own blood, I hated it I miss him everyday. I’m eighteen now and ever since he died it’s all gone wrong. My mother started a relationship with a heroine user that stole from her and brought terrible people into our home. In the last 6 months of this year (two thousand and sixteen) I have been tormented, I feel ruined, I can’t even walk out side at night by my self I’m terrified, ever since the age of nine or ten when my real dad abounded me. I r I’m no good for anything, no body loves me my mother doesn’t, the people I thought were my friends for the last year don’t even care about me, don’t even notice I live in a different state, although I have a partner I feel alone every day even when he touches me, feels like his touching threw me. I don’t want to live like this, I don’t want to live at all I haven’t since the age of 8 when I told my teacher I wanted to die no one really cares though, even professionals. I’ve had many ignore my calls and appointments what’s the use if they don’t want to help me, they don’t even want to listen I just want someone to take away my pain I just want someone to shoot me in the head if someone tried to kill me I’d probably thank them and beg them. I hate living, it hurts everyday, I don’t understand why I’m here as a child no one wanted me and as an adult no one still wants me I feel useless I have no motivation for life or myself I don’t even want to try to be happy because it never works I feel like I’m stuck in a cage and someone’s just watching the whole show laughing. All I’ve ever wanted is a loving family and friends everyone I’ve loved had left or died a week before my 18th birthday, my brother, the only person in the family that really got me, killed himself and I just can’t help but feel it’s the best decision I could make too. I don’t want help I don’t want pity I just need to express myself because I’m sick of being locked in a box of my own subconscious. I’ve been abused and tormented my whole life and seen horrible putrid things I just want the pain to leave me. Even if I have to spend a life time in hell for killing myself, it couldn’t be much worse then this.