I feel depressed I want to share my story that I kept inside of me for almost 12 years.
It is miserable to live surrounded by people that loves you but you feel ashamed to be loved from them. I live in a shame for 12 years.
I was just an ordinary girl when I was 13 years old I started masturbating. At first, I didn’t know what I was doing; I never heard about it “masturbation” I thought it ok to do it. I mean I never read about it and never see anyone doing it I started like naturally.
After 5 years, I suddenly read about it, I was shocked when I read that it “haram” Forbidden in my religion which is ISLAM. I feel so bad about myself I felt like I’m a trash. I cried so mush I hated myself.
So I did decided to STOP IT! Which is the first step in “tawba” to return to God and I did it, I prayed so much and I asked God forgiveness but that doesn’t last. I found myself addicted to it. I’m suffering every day and I cry every night and I make douae in every pray since then but I’m still doing it. I even thing of making suicide I feel in a shame but I realize that I’m just going to make things worse, and the hardest part is that no one knows about it even my best friend, everyone look at me as the perfect daughter / person; the one how prays in time, how fast Monday and Thursday, how read the “Quran” holy book daily, how don’t have a boyfriend…. I feel like I am lying to them they don’t know how I I’m? I’m so bad.
I know that I am smearing Islam with my attitude and with sharing my story but I also know that Islam is clean and beautiful.
I am not a good Muslim but I trying to be.
The reason why I’m sharing my story is because I feel I can’t resist any more. I feel so weak I can’t focus on anything. I fail in everything in my life because of the lack of confidence that I gain from that mistake. On my study to get my bachelor degree. I repeat the same year 3 times not because I’m not preparing good for the exams, not because it hard to get it, not just because in the week of the exams. I keep thinking about my mistake, blaming myself, hating myself, feeling useless,
And now I am student in university and the same thing repeat in every period of exams. My parent keep asking me what wrong why you keep failing and I just respond that I was stressed out and I did my best.
I am sick of lying to not telling the truth I feel like I am lying to myself too cause I’m still doing it yes rarely but…I try to keep myself busy I do sport, craft things, reading.
I am writing these words and tears won’t stop falling I am so in shame.
Help me with you prays.