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Forever not now!

I started off ALONE … in desperate need of somebody I can trust, love, give my mind body and soul too. He resurfaced and I missed him again. Was hesitant but I fell in love all over again. But it was different. He was different. He broke me and destroyed me. I felt ugly and alone. I couldn’t talk to him. He was 2 different people. Who do I confine in. I wasn’t enough… I wasn’t good enough. He didn’t give me the security I desperately needed and searched for. I was something he could take his frustration out on. I felt the hate and disgust. I wasn’t it. I hid myself from the world. Nobody loves me. What about me isn’t special? I’m nothing like the “others”. I’m completely misunderstood. Under this hard exterior is a broken girl. An object ppl pick up, use and throw away. He called me “TRASH” I started to believe it. I stayed and believed the good will always out weigh the bad. But it didn’t he turned me into a monster. He hurt me, I hurt him, it was just all a cycle. I wanted so much for us, OUR FAMILY… but how? I needed somebody strong by my side, somebody who would motivate me and make me feel like nobody else mattered. I was “HER”… I was BEAUTIFUL. I was willing to do what it take to reach the top. But even with so much pride and potential it wasn’t enough. It’s never enough. I’m always the problem in life. I never hold myself accountable for my actions. Inside I do. I punish myself daily. I just want everything to be perfect. I thought we were perfect. But I suck and can’t hold on to nothing let alone a MAN . He’s gone. Long gone. It’s been a week and I feel invisible. Alone, I cut off ties to the outside world. I’m hurting!!! I’m terrified of it just being me. I want to be bragged about and shown off. Something different. Something I’m not use too. Why can’t I ever be SPECIAL in somebody’s life. I dream of marriage. A honeymoon, and 2 or 3 more children. A hugggge house with OUR car outside. I want to be normal. I want my kids to have it all. Why is it so hard to do it on my own? Why can’t I just move on with the mind state “I can do this” when was the last time I was ever really happy? I soon began to question my existence on this earth… What is my purpose? What can I contribute to society. Who can I help and motivate from my struggles? Who can help me? Who can stick by my side through the stress and heartache? As these days go by I feel more and more ok! Ok as in “hello life goes on” “your ok” “you survived”. But why do I feel like the loser? He abused me physically and mentally everyday but why do he deserve my tears? Why him? Why me?

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