Dear Herbert,
I hope I didn’t surprise you hearing from me again, because if you’re reading this now, it’s been two years since we last saw each other.
By the way, today is October 20, 2016 and I am writing this letter in my room at 1:30 in the morning. I couldn’t sleep so I thought maybe I could write you a letter.
There are just things that I really wanted to say, and I hope you’ll have time to read this message till the very end.
It all started on a cloudy Saturday morning in Bangkerohan. Our college had a try-out for the table tennis team, and you were there. I remember you wearing that yellow uniform with your name written at the back of it, and you still had those brown painted hair that covers your forehead. At first I didn’t really care. So what, right? Then my friend told me to look for your name on Facebook which I didn’t hesitate to try. I found your account and sent a friend request. You accepted it later that day. I was a little embarrassed to be honest, because I know you knew that that request was intentional. Then you started liking my posts and I was starting to visit your timeline often. That’s when I noticed that you’re really cute. I had that lighter version of a crush for you.
Few weeks passed and we saw each other at the BE building. I don’t know if you still remember but you were the one who said Hi first. That’s when I realised that I really like you. I didn’t notice that I was already falling in love. Corny as it sounds, but I did fall in love with you. I still am actually. You were really friendly and I like that kind of attitude. I wanted the feeling to stop because I know it will hurt eventually, but then a friend told me that if you fall you might as well fall forward. So I did let things happen and wait to see where it goes.
I started telling people about you, what you do, who you are, what you’re interested in, what your course is… as if I know who you are. I told them about how I feel. I was just happy and in love, and I couldn’t help it. To be honest, I don’t even know why I fell in love with you. It just happened. If you still remember all those love quotes I posted on Facebook, they were all about you. I know you saw them because you liked them.
What I wanted to know that time was your reaction. How did you feel about it? Were you happy, disgusted, inspired, loved? I don’t know and I just didn’t care. I just kept posting stuff. Even things about wanting something you can’t have and stuff like being friends with someone you love. Yeah, people post stuff like that on Facebook when they’re in love. But I hope you don’t remember them, because right now all those things don’t really matter.
Here’s the thing, Herbert. Have you ever been in love with someone you know you never have a chance to? Have you ever had that feeling like you wanted to shout in front of the person about how you feel because keeping it to yourself is killing you? Have you ever had sleepless nights just thinking about all the possibilities if you try? And even if you did, and it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to… have you ever felt like you’re losing someone you don’t even have? It hurts. It really does. It’s painful knowing that you can’t do anything, because you’re just too afraid to try. And I feel that now.
I’m in love with you. I want you to hold me, hug me, and kiss me. Make me feel important, like I was your other half. I wanted us to have a chance with each other, that maybe one day you will tell me that I am the person you can’t live without. I want you to want me. But maybe all these things are possible if they were just dreams.
It hurts because all of those chances I thought was leading to something beautiful. I thought that smile you gave me was the key to our friendship, and maybe even more. But it didn’t. It simply went into oblivion, and we sort of drifted apart. What’s also sad about it is that I was never a memory to you, just a forgotten moment, because you never really care about me.
It hurts, but maybe two years from now, exactly when you’re reading, I have already moved on. I hope I have, because if not then I would never forgive myself for holding on for too long.