I know no one cares but still I really need to get this off my chest and other peoples opinions on this are much appreciated.

Part 1 :

I am Indian male who is 19 years old. And it all started when I was 10 i.e. 9 years back when we moved into a new house. I was a complete stranger in the locality. There was a park which was located few blocks away from my house so I went there and was swinging alone when a guy came to me and said “hey, arn’t you the new kid from our neighborhood ?” I replied “yeah, but who are you ?” He said “I live in the corner house of yours.” And we became friends like that. After a week or so my parents arranged a homecoming party where all the neighbors were invited and it was then when I saw a girl so gorgeous that looked like a freaking Aphrodite with sempiternal beauty who came from heaven to fix my life up. I felt something I can’t really convey by my speech but whatever you guys got it. She was talking to my new friend real frankly and he called me out.So I went there really shy XD. He introduced me to her and it turned out he was her cousin.

Part 2 :

Like this 3 years passed and we became like best friends. We used to meet and play and chat all day long. Those memories still makes my eyes wet sometimes. So then it was Diwali which is like Indian’s Christmas and we three and a bunch of other kids from our locality were playing hide and seek together and eventually me and my crush ended up hiding in the same place. The place was real small and we were all squished up just when we heard the foot steps of the guy who was the devil. I was so close to her that I could feel her breathing and it was then when I found out I fell in love with her. I thought about her all night long but couldn’t really confess. We were best friends but in a different kinda way. We used to act like we don’t really care about each other and we are like long lost rivals from the medieval but deep inside we loved each other more than anyone else ( at least this stands true for me ).She grew up with her grand parents and her single mother who was cheated by her dad so her family kept her in strict isolation and always used to defend her like a bodyguard from stranger guys in a fear that she will end up like her mom but well I was a lucky guy who didn’t had to face that. One day I remember,her dad came back and her family was on fire but yet she came to play with us. She looked really depressed and sad and a guy from my neighborhood suddenly punched her in the back yelling “stop crying little bitch” and she started crying. I don’t know what happened to me but I punched him straight onto his nose and it started bleeding.He ran home crying but my crush stopped crying and said to me that please don’t tell this to my parents. Back when I went home he came to my mom along with his mom to complain about it and yeah I got slapped by my mom but whatever I don’t really care. I was happy I did that anyways.

Part 3 :

After almost three more years we were petty much grown ups. I will be honest I had no intention to confess to her back then but whatever, his brother suddenly came to me and said “Do you know that guy from my school football team who lives 2 block away ?” I said ” sure, why ? ” He replied ” He said, he has a crush on my cousin and please you help me too or they will never get together”. I had no idea what to reply so I said “yeah ok”. And yeah that’s how it all happened. Her cousin was passing shitty lies about him to her and I had to too. After around 1 year of this shit she probably felt for him and he said he will propose her that day. Me her cousin and her went to he park and was waiting but there was no sign him. So I decided to check on his house instead.And I remember that time when mine and her eyes met and she looked right into my eyes (it was first time we had that long eye contact because previously one of us would like turn our head over in shy). She looked hopeless and not understanding what she meant, I went to his house but he wasn’t there so I went back to my home. After an hour her cousin came running to my house telling “did you know he came and proposed her ?” I said “wow what was her reply ?” He said “It was yes” and I was like I can’t tell the feeling through speech but I got so mad and said so “what the fuck am I supposed to do ?” Can you leave me alone because you’re annoying me.So He went home.

Part 4 :

That day was nothing less than a disaster. I didn’t go out of my house in a month. I was so sad and depressed and I honesty never imagined that it would hurt this bad.One of my friends said I should try downloading an online game ( called prime world) so I started playing it all day long 24/7.And I don’t know what happened to me but my feelings about everything started fading out. I felt so empty. And then one day after three whole months or so I went to play with them again and she came too.We were playing hide and seek again and me and her again went same place to hide. We were all alone again so I asked her “how is your new relationship going ?” She suddenly got mad and said “why the fuck do you even care ?”. Nothing came off my mouth so she went home and so did I.That was the last time I went to play with them. I started playing prime world way too much and then league of legends.After a year when Diwali came again I had to go out but then I was feeling so damn anti social. I used to be so much full of life back then but in one year it all changed. The boys group and the girls group were separated and turned out no one used to play after I quit coming, I don’t know why tho. And like that 3 more years passed. We used to meet once in like six months during some occasions while didn’t used to talk.

Part 5 :

This was last year’s December (2015) when I decided to finally confess to her while maintaining a secrecy. I decided to ask for her boyfriend’s permission first and he said “go on try I don’t care and stuff”. But later the next day he showed the messages to her cousin as well as everyone else and also told her cousin to look after her and my actions. What a cunt really. This got viral and surprisingly no one reacted much like it was obvious that they already knew about it for a long time that I loved her but trust me I never said a word to anyone before.There were many kids that decided to help me while many others helping her boyfriend. And it all turned out clear.Oh! I almost forgot to tell you all that I told her boyfriend I also love her three years ago. And he told her cousin back then too but that dude literally acted so well. He basically helped that guy because he promised to get him into the football team if he helped him despite of knowing the fact that I love her too. I used to go to a distant school while he and her cousin were in the same school from our locality. I felt like this world cheated on me and then again I had to do this and now I had the chance.I thought I could tell that using her school best friend ( we don’t talk now so that was the best possible way) but that girl turned out to be a cunt too and sent those screenshots to her boyfriend and never told her. I felt like I was a joke to everyone and lost my faith in everything. I felt so empty feeling-less emo cunt who doesn’t cut himself for attention. But after a few days that girl texted me and said “she asked about you today”. And I replied “oh, okay”. She said the conversation went something like this :
Crush : Hey did he (my name) told you something ?
That girl : Yeah, He said he misses you and would love to start a new friendship with you again.
Crush : yeah we used to play together as a kid.
Crush : Leave him, He has mental disease.

I felt so freaking bad, but this time I was all blank I had no feelings to anything anyways. On new years night last year at around three am she was standing in front of her house talking to one of her friends. And as everyone knew you know they said wow look it’s the best timing ever. Go take the opportunity and confess to her. And yeah I was thinking the same too so went there and it happened something like this :
Me : Hey (crush’s name) do you have a minute?
crush : I don’t know what the hell happened but she was yelling “no, no, no no no and was like walking so fast all around the place lmao.
Me : My heart was beating so god damn fast holy freaking crap. Then I looked into her eyes but couldn’t speak.
Her : Standing still looking into my eyes.
Me : Fuck off, I am not gonna tell shit. And ran into my house.
Yeah, I am worser than awkward josh but it was probably because I was not ready to listen “no” from her but who knows.

And everyone made fun of me.

Part 6 :

This Diwali which is right now. It’s the 3rd day today and everyone knows about us now. One of my college friend stayed a day with me which was the first day and he said “do you know that I found your crush looking at you secretly petty often. At first I thought she was looking at me but then I saw she was actually looking at you.”. I found her doing that too petty often. Is that a sign or something ? Should I try to confess to her again ? Please reply and thanks for reading the whole thing :P. Btw she never owned a phone (Her family keeps her in strict isolation and she is a nerd). And the only time she and her boyfriend ever talked face to face was four years ago at the confession day. The only way of communication between those two is still her cousin passing convo’s like seriously is this 80’s. I still love her and she still gives me chills when I look at her. I could never feel anything towards any other girl till date. Don’t know what to do with my life. Your reply and options are much appreciated and once again thanks a lot for reading.