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At times it’s easier to deal with your own loneliness by using others

I’ve been feeling low and quite desperate for a while now. I come from messed up family and all I ever wanted was a family of my own, not necessarily children, but home I feel I belong and someone I love unconditionally and someone who loves me back. I believe I am and always have been a good person deep inside, but coming from a dis-functional family I’ve not been given the foundations of life I wished for and I often made silly judgement calls and mistakes. Sometimes I would hurt people in my life, sometime, others would hurt me. I never mean to hurt anyone, but at times it’s easier to deal with your own loneliness by using others. From early age my life has been a bit of a mess, watching my mother not coping, being ill, struggling for food at sometimes. I was only young when I promised myself not to follow my parent’s footsteps and try and build the best life I can. I was young, but not young enough to change my early grades at school or catch up on education I missed. For years, it has been a bit of a vicious circle, wanting to do better, but past holding you back. It took years of trying my best and then giving up and then starting again, but one day when I was in my early 20’s I met a guy, who changed my whole life, it wasn’t always plain sailing and I gave up a lot to be with him. He had his own problems from the past too, that made this great guy insecure, so I ended up giving up anyone I had in my life, it was just me and him, but it was worth it, he taught me a lot, I slowly started to feel in control of areas in my life, I never did before. He thought me load of good, he made me a better person, person I for once was proud of. Of course, I was still not too happy with my carrier and few other things in life, but overall, I never felt happier. I missed other people in my life at the times we were going through tougher times, sometimes I simply just wanted to be able to share my thoughts with someone, to have someone that listens. But then we got over the rougher patches, and I followed my mission, to give this man back what he gave me, he gave me family always wanted, it wasn’t just him, his family was more family to me, than my own ever was and he made me a person I for was proud of. I just wanted to give him back a little of what he given to me, my life’s meaning was to help him be the person he deserves to be, get over the past burdens or at least not let it in his way of success and happiness. That was all I lived for, for us and our house we called home. I know there where hardly ever any guests, well if there where it would be my sister popping round or his family, but having the perfect home, was important to me, of course I sometimes wished I could share that joy and happiness with friends, but I reminded myself of what I had and it was more than having few people round your house sharing those nice things you have.
We got married one day and looked to buy our first ever home of our own. At that time, we moved in with the in-laws to save for that perfect wedding and deposit for our house, like many young people must do these days, there’s just not enough money in the pot otherwise. Our wedding really was like a fairytale, most beautiful venue, lovely country side perfect weather. When planning the wedding, I wished I had more guests that I could invite, my parents didn’t turn up, I had no friends left, I felt embarrassed. But I had more than that, I had my husband to be and his family. Living with his family bought us a lot closer and I really started to feel part of them, I finally felt like I belong somewhere. I was so happy! We had a perfect honey moon, most people could just wish for and when we returned we carried on living with my new husband’s parents for another year to save for the deposit for our house, as young people savings goes, it didn’t go so well, even if we did limit ourselves of one thing, we allowed ourselves something else, hence we lived with the in-laws for so long. I know I said it bought me closer with his family, but after a while it put strain on mine and my husband’s relationship, as you’re still in someone else’s house, however well you get in, you still try and live by their rules and try to please them, keep out of their way, when needed. But we were so near our dream, I ignored or tried to ignore my paranoia, felling that there were gap growing between us. It’s only natural, as it’s his mum and dads house, house he grew up in, he felt more like he could do his own thing, not thinking too much of others, but as I was a guest in their house, I would try to do a right thing, sit with his mum when she’s on her own and might be feeling a little lonely, do things together, I did not mind it, I actually liked it, but sometimes I just wished he was there by my side too. Instead he was in our bedroom playing computer games, working or messing on his phone. His job requires a lot of personal time and as he seem to enjoy what he’s doing, apart from lite moan then and again I really didn’t mind him working all hours. I always tried to encourage him to go for more in his life, he so deserved it, he was by far the hardest working guy in his workplace and he knew the job inside out, but as he lacked the confidence, he’d do it all for others and not aim for promotion. Well at start, later he did and I really do think I played a big part in it. I wanted him to realize, how good he was.
Now, let’s go back to the part where we still lived with his parents, feeling a strain and feeling that he’s not there for me anymore, but writing it all off on my paranoia after trying to speak to him. After all, we had so much to look forward to, we are going to be home owners, have very own happy place and it all will go to normal. I know, I sometimes felt like I made more effort at his parents, but we both were feeling the strain of not being able to do exactly what we want and when we want, we couldn’t be romantic or spontaneous. Our sex life become boring, as it only were fun for so long to run upstairs, when his parents had gone out. Sex life to a someone else’s schedule, can’t be exciting for long. I suppose, I got bored and I am not too sure how he ever felt, but maybe he needed more from me than I could give. That is not to say our sex life was nonexistent, but not exciting and not that regular.
I mentioned my paranoia and thoughts he’d rather be anywhere than with me earlier. One evening I came upstairs earlier than normal, I just missed some attention and some time with him. In that evening and more so the next day, my whole world fell apart. As I got in the bed, I saw this text from a girl, she texts him before, while we were together, but he just said there were work friends, but this time I knew there was more. I could clearly see there was a lot more and any excuses he tried to make, make out this girl is a crazy stalker, the story just didn’t add up, I didn’t believe him. Over the night and next day, I started to make sure I see his every text and messages from her was just unstoppable, he didn’t answer his mobile, then she texts his work phone again and again, asking what’s going on etc. He kept lying and lying, but long story short, I made him to take me to her place. He had no choice to avoid drama at work and even when we got there he kept lying in front of her and she just let him. Eventually she agreed to tell everything, but not after I seen some people arriving at her house and me threatening to get out of the car tell her friends, her husband and her nursery aged son what a tart his mum is. That evening my husband kept begging me not to leave and promised to tell everything for a chance for us to try and move on from this. So, he did and it agreed to her story she told later too. They formed this relationship and been texting/seeing each other for months. They only kissed, they never had sex, not yet, but I know she wanted to move their relationship further. He just said he was confused and let it go too far, maybe it is because of his past, because I was his first girlfriend, he didn’t know how to deal with the attention, but then again, he wasn’t shy of giving the attention to her too. He’d often lie he had to go to work, but he’d meet up with her. He’d go and see her most days during his working hours. She worked in different town! But he’d make excuses to see her. One text that is engraved in my memory read – ‘I miss you so much, that it hurts’. He said that to her! That message broke my heart in so many pieces. As we were still living at his parents and I had no one to go to, to speak to, I just felt like my whole world just crumbled. He was my whole world!
After a lot of heartbreaking conversations, we decided to go through with buying house. If we going to make it work, we should do it in our own place.
I was never the same person, I was no longer proud of myself. I had so much anger inside me, blaming myself for what happened, trying to make sense of it. Trying to understand it. I did understand that he just made a mistake, I did know that, we had talked a lot that night about how he felt, the loneliness growing up, that he just wanted someone in his life besides me, a friend to talk, of course I understood that, but he didn’t know how to build that friendship and before he knew he got himself in this relationship. And he really regretted it. But once we moved, we didn’t talk about it, he was ashamed of himself and all he wanted to do is to forget about it. It wasn’t so easy for me; all those thoughts were constantly in my mind. Every day of my life, every minute of my life, if we weren’t doing anything, it was just there. I never knew myself feeling so much anger, I feared who I become. I could not imagine my life without alcohol, bottle of wine barely touched it, I wanted to have a drink every day, of course I couldn’t do it each day, not in front of him, but I drank a lot and even more when he wasn’t around. I kept bottle of jack or something else in my wardrobe at all times, I had a drink or two before he got in from work, I didn’t have long as I worked myself, but in that half hour or so, I would rush to our room with a glass of fizzy pop and looking outside window for his car I would try and drink as much, as I had time, but so it wouldn’t be noticeable, just to numb the pain. I would often have a drink when I went to bed, I often went up first and cried my pain away. He in this, would try and do everything he could to make it up to me, to make me happy again, but he’d shut me down every time I tried to bring the subject back up. For him it was easier to have it buried, but it didn’t work for me. Well, I suppose it didn’t help, that I mostly bought it up when I had few too many to drink. It was always there on my mind, but I would dare to say it out loud without a drink. He’s not big fan of drunk people, he seen his mum and dad go through pain in their lives by drinking and he knew far too well being drunk doesn’t solve the problem.
After a while, I learnt how to manage my anger and didn’t let it out as much anymore, no more screaming and shouting, no more smashing things, instead I just kept it all inside. I was ashamed of myself, the person I was, when I was drunk, when I was angry. I tried my best to control it most times. I still drank too much and my need for drink wasn’t something I was proud of, but I tried to hide the real scale of my drinking problem. After a while, we slid back into a routine, he’d no longer try and make effort for me, he’d again found excuses (mainly money related, what can I say to that), why we can’t do things together, much rather spending his days by to, then interacting with me. This only made all those feelings inside me to grow, I would suppress them by days, but I would go to bed early and cry and wish for better life, think of life I could of hand, if I just didn’t give everyone I had in my life up for him.
I started to try and build up some of the friendships I had, I started to get in touch with people and care a lot less for what he had to say about it. I also managed to form some friendly relationships at work. I enjoyed few nights out, I felt guilty and relieved at the same time. I thought he deserved to feel the way I made him feel, by not taking any notice of him or considering him, before I went out. I know I shouldn’t feel bad for going out or shouldn’t ask for permission, but knowing he’s hurting by me not even considering him in all of it, made me feel glad and guilty at the same time. It was like I didn’t want to hurt him, but at the same time I did. Better part of me didn’t want to, but the hurt part of me was glad he’s hurting too. I couldn’t control the feeling. I learned that by making my own decisions and not considering him in it, strangely helped me, or I thought it did. When he was unreasonable with me, I felt that anger inside me was justified. When he was reasonable, I found something else to build that anger on. Directing that anger, made me feel like I was in control of my feelings. He of course started to feel like he’s losing me, which was true, but it was my turn to make him feel like he’s the unreasonable one. Like he’s the paranoid one and when it didn’t work, I still had the ‘you hurt me first’ card. With that the conversation would be over. Whatever I did and how ever I acted it couldn’t possibly come near to what he put me through. Now he felt like I am slipping through his fingers, he again tried to do anything to prove his love, his commitment and that he’d simply do anything for me. But for me, it all came a little too late. Each of the gestures, I would have longed for, for so long, but when it came, it just felt like it came too late, I had to say something, do something, for it to materialize. I didn’t want to tell him each time what to do to fix things, it wasn’t the same after I asked for it. And then I stopped asking. There was so much time and I felt like I waited for so long, but when it came, it felt too late. Time and time again. He didn’t stop those things, however big or small he still tried.
For a while, I was able to run away from it all at work, I finally enjoyed the position I was in, people I worked with, but for many reasons pressure mounted at work and it became an unpleasant place to be at times, so while at work and asked, I tend to act like all the stress is because of work, but at home I blamed it all on him. I am not sure if I ever said it out loud to him, but that’s how I felt. I wasn’t proud of myself and it took me a while to realize I was becoming person I despise. This of course only added to my un-happiness. Again, I blamed him for it. Now thinking back, maybe I blamed too much on him. Maybe I should have been stronger myself. Dealt with things differently, but when you have no one to talk to, who is going to reason with you. I was on major self-distraction mode, I did things to annoy him. I become addicted to online shopping, I maxed out every credit card I could, not thinking about the consequences, it made me happy for 5 minutes and then I just turned back into that person I was. I was sure I suffered from some level of depression, sometimes I would like a thought of going out and do something, but when I had to go out I couldn’t be bothered. I often didn’t want to interact with people, I liked the thought of it at times, but when it came to it I wouldn’t want to do anything. From being house proud, I now couldn’t find energy to do basic clean up, if it wasn’t for my husband, we would have lived in piles of dirt and trash. It was him who kept the house tidy, did pretty much all the ironing and everything else around the house. If it was up to me, we would have been surrounded by dirt and piles of every rubbish you can imagine. I had no will or energy for anything. My anxiety levels were shooting through the roof, I could gather myself together for work and I would try and hide how unhappy I had become (closest of my collages would notice part of my unhappiness, but I blamed it all on workload), but whilst at home I really struggled. I wouldn’t want to do anything, but I also couldn’t stay still and the watch the tally. There was like a bug in me that wouldn’t leave me alone. I couldn’t have a minute of piece. Well until I had a drink.
Anyway my holiday was coming up and I tried to at least start and think of my own fitness and being able to wear if not bikini, then at least shorts and not feel embarrassed of my body. There was at least one thing to look forward to and a hope it all be fixed by having a break from it all. And focusing on fitness or starvation mode strangely helped too too feel in control of me and at least one part of my life.
Around the same time new guy started in my company. I am a friendly person by nature (which has been taken the wrong way in past, but that doesn’t matter now). He’s been supporting me with my workload and finally, it seemed that one person sees what an impossible challenge I must deal with, sees the effort I put in, sees my ability. My ability and what I have or haven’t achieved in life always been area I felt I could have done better or more, but had so many hurdles in my way placed by myself or the others. It was so nice that someone finally seen my potential, my ability and my current efforts. As I always felt I have under achieved in my life and never really reached my potential or even when I have it’s been ignored, it was nice to be recognized. I spent so long to try and bring best out of others, but I never quiet felt like anyone quiet believed in me the same way. I am not sure if this guy miss-understood my initial intentions of being friendly and read more into it, but we soon become very friendly, often working on different projects together, he with his authority and knowledge supporting me with it all and more. There was some work gathering coming up and we exchanged our numbers to sort out all the logistics, transport etc. Whilst we talked over the emails before, we now started to talk a lot more often and a lot more personal. He was writing me poems, telling me he never met anyone like me before and all sorts of different flatter. When I was talking to him, I don’t mean flirting, when we were just talking, I felt like me again. I could have a laugh and forget all that heaviness in my heart. And of course, with myself confidence shattered in pieces, it was nice to receive the attention and think ‘you know what, maybe I am not all that bad, maybe I am ok.’ whilst flirting and attention wasn’t what I was after, it was very flattering. It felt like so long ago, I was liked for who I were, without telling me I should not laugh so laud, be this or don’t be that. He was important to me, because he liked me for who I was as I person, he recognized my potential and believed in my ability. He made me feel like I was worth something again and in the emotional mess I was, I couldn’t lose it. I felt like I needed him in my life. We talked a lot over the messages, we opened to each other and we flirted. He seemed to be quite open and honest about his relationship he was in. I knew I wasn’t the only girl he’s talking to at the workplace, but I was the one who married! He said I was the only one he wanted and he’d wait for however long it would be, if there were a chance for us. He was the first person I said out loud about being hurt by my husband, I of course didn’t go into detail, but after years of keeping it in me, it felt like a relief to say it out load to someone, but it also made it all real and from there things just spirited out of control.
Sometime after, we met outside work, we were meant to spend some together as friends, or that is what I thought in my nativity. But true is, I gave into all the flatter and temptation. I had an affair. We spoke each day, we’d meet up, even if it was for an hour after work, but I felt cared for. I felt cared for, guilty and angry at the same time. I still cared for my husband but I also was so angry with him and now I got myself into another relationship. Thinking what if people find out, what will they think of me. Deep down I am not a bad person. I been hurt so badly by someone I loved so much, all I ever wanted was to be happy again.
Eventually I left my job and my husband. I started to live with this new man in my life. He did say before, he’d help me no matter what, even if we were nothing more than friends, he’d put me up, if my marriage was over, my life wasn’t over, but it was a little too late for that. We were more than friends. I had affair behind my husband’s back. I lied and lied to him.
We been separated for a while now, with all those lies, he must know what really happened, but I never had balls to admit it. He made a mistake and I was hurt so much, but what I done have no excuse or justification. Every day of my life I must live with the guilt and hurt of what I done to my husband, to our lives, to what it could have been. For a while now, he said he understood, he blames himself for everything, that I could came back home, without explanation. And believe me, I so really wanted it more than anything in this life, but I know just far too well, however good your intentions are, you can’t erase your memories. You can’t forget the pain. And there are financial implications, I can’t expect to go back to him with no work and bills that mounting up by day.
He’s been the most reasonable human being, he’s been so caring and loving and it makes me feel like the most awful person in this word. It was so much easier when we fought, at least we could blame each other for failures in our lives. But I have no one else to blame, I ruined my life all by myself. Whatever my husband done, I done so much worse, I am not a bad person deep down, I never wanted to be hurt or hurt anyone and I do try to find an excuse to make myself feel better, but to be honest there are none.
I now live in this relationship, I got flattered into. Excitement and all the flattering went very early on. Very early on I realized he’s not right person for me, I know I am good for him, but that is not enough in the relationship. His honestly was one of the first things that attracted me to him, I now have a reason to doubt his honesty. I know he’s not done anything just yet, but truth is I don’t trust him. We read each other well and however much each of us tries to hide something, we know there’s something not quite right. We might not have proof, but you just notice all the changes in behavior. I know I am not happy myself with the life choices I made, but I can’t take any more lies. I lived in a very dark place for a long time, I can’t go back there. I would live with anything, but I can’t live with more lies (I know how very hypocritical of me). I just can’t be made to feel paranoid again. I can’t bear the thought I given up my whole life once again. Due to all the lies I said, I alienated anyone I had in my life and at age of 30 I got to start with nothing once again. No money, just debt, no job, no one to talk to. All I ever wanted is to feel loved again. I know now, I had someone that loved me, I should have never bottled all those feelings for so long. My biggest regret of my life is always going to be having an affair and hurting my husband. Until the day I die.

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