I am lost, it is not like I am clueless about the steps I need to take in order to get where I want to but, no matter how hard I try to come up with a plan, it all fails. It’s like something is standing there and changing everyone’s mind about me as soon as I take leave.
I have always helper people! when I didn’t have to. I have let strangers from Tinder, Facebook and Instagram spend nights at my house and without any expectation at all. I always do good because I want God to reward me. I am not a talentless person nor it is in my head like people who audition at television shows and humiliate themselves.
I actually know things;
1. My education is not even High School but I have written a book on Metaphysics. It was for Prince Sultan University in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. However, they didn’t accept it because they wanted a four hundred pages long draft and I am not a punk to give my shit to arabs. I am an AMERICAN and I will choke myself with my own shoe laces before any other country can benefit from me.
2. I produce music… and when I can’t come up with something new, I dream of music. I always find myself with musically genius specie who gives me riffs and I wake up, record that riff in my phone or write down the notes and then put music around it.
3. My memory goes back to when I was six months old. I can read faces! not very good but I am God gifted, just helps me figure out who is better to socialise with. I wanted to join FBI because of it but, zero education. There’s my dream to serve my country. Thanks to my parents I guess?
4. My father has a PhD, but he could never pay for my education or my asthma. I miss my grandmother. Only she knew me! She always kissed my forehead and called me “puppy”. Now there is no one who knows me! It’s okay I guess? I will see her someday when I am dead.
5. I have a friend. He is my ex! Now, we are best friends and I can’t go anywhere because he is stuck in Pakistan! Even though I am an American, I can’t do anything. I went to the embassy because someone told me I can take him to USA with me if I married him. I did go to the embassy, the person at there was so nice. I cried all the way back home because I went there with the malicious intent to betray my country and I can’t.
6. I can do many things but I won’t leave my friend. After my grandma he is the only one who understands me.
7. I can write stories, produce music, good at counselling psychology, I can sing, rap, act, I wanted to be a fashion designer as a kid.
8. Everyone is so “mean”. I have never put my needs before anyone’s. If I do that is because I don’t know? I get angry and I just can’t stop.
I am feeling really light after getting some of that off my chest. I can’t share this with my friend because it will worry him and I have promised him that he is my best friend and now like a brother to me and I will take care of him. NO MATTER WHAT.