People don’t cry because they’re weak. They cry because they’ve been strong too long. I’m okay. I am o.k. Maybe I am crying and that’s okay also. Maybe you don’t see me crying, then I will praise myself for holding it in. Holding it in mightn’t the solution though. And here we reach another crossroads, to let it out or hold it in? That’s your decision, and I’ve made mine. The hardest part about pretending to be okay is knowing how not okay you really are. Just because I am not really okay doesn’t mean you have to know and I like it that way. That’s one reason I like being “the quiet girl,” people don’t expect me to talk about myself. I just find it way too stressful to talk about my feelings. And when I do talk about myself, it sometimes makes me feel guilty. Like I’m just complaining and whinging over and over. Some people think there’s this big stigma like, “oh pity me, I have anxiety and depression, I cry and get my way.” Yes, some people do think I fake it. I can tell you right now, no one should EVER, fake things like this, ever. The only thing I fake is being okay and I do that for my OWN personal benefit. It makes ME feel stronger. Mental illness is NOT an excuse. Not in the slightest.

I dream of a life where I don’t cry in front of my class. Where I can speak up for what I believe and I know I will get there. It just takes time. Please don’t be offended if I just don’t want to talk to you or cooperate. It’s just that sometimes, I can’t physically handle talking. I panic, my words get jumbled, my hands shake and I get that awful feeling, like someone is tossing around my insides, wrenching at the pit of my stomach, pulling it upward and side to side. Other times, I don’t talk simply because I am paranoid that you won’t want to talk to me. I know it sounds crazy but I can’t help that. There we are at another crossroads, “should I talk to you? No, I can’t, that’s just annoying of me,” etc.

Sometimes I am screaming at myself saying, “help me help me help me,” but when someone asks if I’m okay, I say, “I’m fine.” We all need that one friend who can hear exactly what we aren’t saying. You probably don’t see underneath and maybe I come across as selfish because I don’t talk much but I get so worked up and worried about other people. I just hate seeing people I know aren’t okay and I try my best in every situation to give the benefit to the other person. I would rather give my self away than see somebody suffer. I’m just so terrified of seeing someone who needs help, not helping them and then seeing them suffer. All because I tell myself, “if you had just done this…” Then again, one of my biggest fears is that I worry about others more than myself. I want to live with no regrets and die with memories, not dreams. I love being happy, and when I am truly happy I wish I was like that all the time. I LIVE for the moments when someone is smiling so much they just cannot stop and their cheeks hurt and jaw shakes because they just can’t express how genuinely happy they are. When they jump around and jitter as they talk because they are so excited. When their eyes crinkle and you can almost see every tooth in their mouth because their grin literally reaches from one ear to the other. I want to be THAT person. I will be THAT person. I just need time…