Life is never what you expect.
I am no longer a naive girl seeing love in any place I thought I could find it. If somebody tells you something you do not want to hear, do not dismiss them listen and try to help them. It is better to believe a liar than to let someone fall into depression because you did not listen to them.
At first it seemed innocent, childish teasing. The cliche is that boys are mean to you when they like you. He didn’t like me but he was mean. I mistook it for teasing, I thought by being offended that I just couldn’t take a joke.
As a child I was emotionally broken down piece by piece. My father aided my stepmother in emotionally abusing me. I was led to believe my health problems were my fault, leading me to hate myself and believe any problems I faced were my own doing. I took the medical profession 13 years to understand what was wrong with me. My mother although I knew she loved me couldn’t always be there for me as I didn’t tell her about the emotional abuse I was facing. My stepfather was wrapped up in his own world. All the adults in my life lashed out on me as it was easier than dealing with the problems they each faced. That being said my father hurt me most by doing this, allowing his wife to be vicious and cruel.
This left my self esteem very low making me the perfect target for bullying at school. I was bullied severely, to the point I wanted to commit suicide but did not as I knew my mother could not move on without me causing her to end her life if I was to do so.
Then my childhood crush came back into my life, still spreading rumors about me and helping bullies hurt me. I was none the wiser and allowed him lull me into a false sense of security, in my mind filling my void of insecurity just enough for me to pretend I was happy. This continued a rocky path for me with multiple arguments that would cause me to leave but I always came back. In my last two years of secondary school we had a relationship once again. This is when my false world crumbled and I saw past the lies. He got me drunk to the point I was barely able to move and persuaded me to do things I felt were awful, only causing me to further hate myself. I was then broken up with when we had been planning to go away to Barcelona together with me family. Afterwards I found out he had also lied about his sexuality and had been having a sexual relationship with someone younger than both of us. To add insult to injury he persuaded people I thought of as friends that I was a lier, I was homophobic and that I did not accept him for who he was but this was not as bad as him revealing the way in which he assaulted me causing supposed friends and those around me in school to doubt me integrity, questioning my values and morals, the things I hold dear to me.
I now having the one person I trusted most, (besides my mother and stepfather) the one I confided in destroy everything I hold dear can not find myself trusting anyone ever again. To also have people constantly remind me of the traumatic experience and tell me to just get over it.
I see him everywhere, with old friends, on my road, by my college, when I see his parents, when I see his sister and she talks about him. I must move on with my life but sadly sometimes someone or something brings back that pain. There will always be moments of pain but you must focus on the positives in life;
To everyone out there who feels alone, please talk to someone, you will find that you are not the only one who has felt this way. Give people a chance, for every bully there is a kind hearted person waiting for you to tell them and help you.