We all when born are mostly unaware of the power around us. Materialistic and otherwise, this power helps drive the world in a direction that is unknown and unexplored!
I too when born was oblivious of the challenges and hardships I would have to face. As a kid the major trouble I thought in life was the scolding’s and beatings I got from our parents for the stupid deeds I committed that day! As I grew a little older I were afraid of not doing well at school and how disappointed my parents would be if they found out. A few years later the idea of love lingered above me, when I meet people, liked people and eventually fall in love. The whole shindig of hiding it from family because of the taboo having a bf holds in our country haunted me.
Then I aimed at higher studies with that love and respect and the fear of not ever failing in that. Well me as an Indian girl from a middle-class family faced the same wrath and fury and fear of the parents growing up!
And that’s how I learnt how to lie, people often say that children are a map of their parents and they learn all sorts of things from them! Well the fear of my parents taught me how to lie. Right from my childhood to now I have lived in a fear and pressure of disappointing my parents and the people I love. For me taking my own life would be easier than intentionally hurting any of them. From the start, I have needed a push a sense of validation from others to make me feel wanted and needed, somewhat necessary. Making friends was never natural to me or if it was keeping up to it felt such a pressure that I would wreck it always.
It started off with friends and then went onto affecting my personal life with my loved one. I never knew I could result into being the reason for someone’s unhappiness and sorrows. I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s life and not even know how, someone I so deeply love and care for. There were several things I wanted to do, still want to do but cannot as I still live in this fear of my parents, I feel like they didn’t need me in the first place and since I was born they didn’t have a choice and so they got stuck with me. And all through my life I just wanted to prove to them that I was not all in vain. I mean something important and I deserve the important too, just for that I always went an extra mile trying harder and harder to succeed to be better than my siblings and to achieve higher things, but I couldn’t. I was the last amongst my three siblings. I set a whole new standard of low scores and zero accomplishments in my family.
Then I got to pursue my masters in a different country, I worked hard and slogged but as my fate would have it I failed at that too. Disappointment is something of a nick name that my parents gave me then. a lying disappointment. I lost everything in that very second, my love my respect from my siblings and parents and myself. I lost myself. Every day I would wake up and wonder why me? was I really that bad in my previous lifetime that I must go through such misery and loneliness???
I am 27 years old now and guess what I still sit here and wonder the same. How could I turn out to be such a disappointment? My whole life I always tried doing the best for people around me and ended up with the worst kind of life. Here I am in love with the most amazing guy I know and I wrecked that too. I destroyed him too. I made bad decisions lost money along the way a lot of it, I under a huge debt with no achievements and nothing to show for my life. My boyfriend, who I have been with for the past 9 years, is being taken away from me and I can do nothing about it. I single handily ruined the most important thing to me, the most important person. The only person who has ever cared so deeply about me. I am sooo so sooo sorry. I am soo soo soo sorry. I guess I am cursed, my parents should have killed me the day I was born only so I could never bring such bad luck to you or them. I sit here wondering how I can sort things out and I do not know how. My bf’s parents are taking him away and it seems like I will never be able to have a future I imagined or dreamed of. Everything I ever thought of is gone. I sit here alone in my apartment back to where I started thinking what went wrong when God was writing down my destiny. All over the world there are people who have an amazing life, happiness all around, people who love them and care for them. why couldn’t I be given just a sliver of their happiness and love and care?? Did you really mean for my life to end up this way??
Someday I would want to ask God a simple question, did you really want your own creation to suffer so much heartache??? Did you want me to just let go of life and surrender to this??