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I don’t even know why I’m writing this right now

Realistically, for the last year or so I’ve been lonely. Not like get-wasted-at-a-bar-lonely, I mean like…It’s hard to explain. I suffer from depression, and heavily from anxiety, and I don’t know if it has to do with that, but I feel cold. Sometimes, I’m sweating, I get really nervous, physically I’m cold, and it makes me want to crawl up in a ball in a corner, cry, I’ve thought about suicide too. But, I told myself a few weeks ago, suicide isn’t worth it. There are better things in life. Just wait till you get out of high school/college. However, with each day I can look back on my previous day and realize that I’ve gained knowledge. I can point out my own mistakes, etc., and each day I realize my opinion on suicide changes. I don’t even know why I’m writing this right now, but I’m sure if I look back on it in a few days, I’ll realize. Anyway, right now I feel that feeling I described earlier, very cold, lonesome. It’s not just like a lonely feeling, there’s so much to it. It’s a lot, and it’s all bad. I’m tired of fighting for myself, fighting off bullies and bullshit. I don’t want to be here alone anymore, and I’m still waiting for that one thing, person, animal, whatever, that makes me think “this is why I choose to live in this world”. I’m not poor, I have a supportive family, but they don’t understand. I don’t want a psychologist or whatever the fuck to help me get through this, because I’m smart. And I know it. And I don’t brag a lot about shit because I’m not good at most things. I built this computer at the age of Fourteen, and that’s what I’m most proud of. It’s just about the only thing I’ve got. All this ties together in my mind, and I feel like I will just eventually go in circles alone till I literally cannot stand it anymore and suicide.

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