I’m sixteen years old. Okay, so, this is my life. My father moved in when I was 7 and he started to teach me how to read but that’s also when he started to sexually abuse me, but at that time I had no idea that what he was doing was bad so I just let him, I don’t know why but I also kept it from my mom or anyone else. I only started to realize that it something a father shouldn’t do to his daughter was when I was in my 4th grade and I started resisting, but still couldn’t tell my mom because I know how much she loves him, so I just kept on fighting him whenever he does it, without my mom knowing. The last time that he tried to do it was on my 7th grade. He was touching me and I screamed real loud, and fought him and grabbed a knife, but thankfully I didn’t stab him, I stopped myself. He seemed to realize that he won’t be able to do it to me anymore and stopped it.
But now, I think, something grew in me because of that.
I find it really really hard to share secrets to anyone, to express myself, to trust anyone, and I’m so paranoid, and my friends, and ex friends always say to me that I’m so cold, well, it’s true, I don’t care if I lose friends, I hated God, because how could he let something like that happen to me. I really hate myself, and I don’t know myself anymore.
Up to now, I still haven’t told my mom about it, and my father doesn’t live with us anymore.
I really think you should confess it to your mom , it’d lead to some family problems for sure but it’s for your best. What if he’s planning to abuse you again when you’re alone with him. Its for your safety.
It is better out than in. It is horrible being deceived and to live in lies, I wrote a poem, maybe you can relate to it.
Mother where were you?
Mother where were you?
I cried for you,
I wanted you to hold me and fight my demons for me,
Yet you let it all be and let me wail with great emotions running wild
Mother where were you,
Have you left me,
I feel betrayed
Mother where were you?
You left me to be destroyed
By whom who deceived me and…dared
To take my innocence away
Mother where are you?
I want you to hold me,
To hold me,
If not just scold me,
Mother tell me truthfully,
Do you love me?
Mother I feel destroyed.
Lonely,
Hurt,
Mother, Mother, Mother you hear me cry
Yet you refuse to reply,
I am desperate now Mother
Enraged, repressed, depressed in this lie
Joyless, self-destructive, broken
Do you even want to know why?
MOTHER, need I go on,
I plea, please be by my side,
Mother
I fell destroyed and hurt,
Mother have you also abandoned me?
Mother, I may die.
Care to know why?
Mother, just know I love you, of that I do not lie
Mother, do not forget me for its time for me to fly
Number 1, you have to stop hating yourself. You did nothing wrong here. Your dad is a monster and preyed on an innocent child. These pedophiles count on you feeling guilty and responsible, so that you will keep their secret. 2, you have to talk to your mom and you need therapy. Speaking out is one of the most difficult things you will do, but I promise you, she would want to know. You should not have to go through this alone.