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I have lost my smile, I have lost my love, I have lost my sleep

Hi, I’m not so good in English so I’m going to type my story in Hinglish. (A bit of Hindi and English) actually this is not a story, it’s how I feel today. I’m feeling quite lonely from the past few days. I’m working in a computer institute, G (for anonymity purpose, I will call him G from now on) the person whom I love and owner of that computer institute. He also loves me so much.

But now he got married. A month is about to elapse, but he never touched his wife till now. He said because he doesn’t want to hurt me. But sometimes, when I see their pics I really can’t stop myself from crying. And then the problem begins. Whenever I used to cry, he used to comfort me but now it gets irritating. He says, “Yeah, that’s all that is left in my life, right? Me comfort you every time you cry”). The last 3 -4 times he has started to blame me for the past few days. That I won’t let him do his job and I will destroy is public image. But when he calms down, he starts to love me again. In the past, he used to always tell me that I have taken great care of him and supported him through thick and thin. But now, when I am disturbed because of his marriage, why doesn’t he take care of me and support me? Earlier he used to talk to me over 11 or 12 pm at night but now he sleeps by 9.30. It’s 8.56 right now and I am still alone. He is not with me. No calling no messaging, I just keep on waiting. He doesn’t care anymore if I am awake or asleep at night. He doesn’t care anymore whether I have reached home safely. I can’t handle all these changes. I don’t know maybe I’m wrong or maybe the situation. I have no one to share my feelings with. No one. I want to shout in an empty room. I want to cry loudly. I have a very heavy heart. A lot of feeling and things I want to say are trapped inside, all of that is now just banging against the walls trying to come out. I think about committing suicide sometimes, but I won’t. I have lost my smile, I have lost my love, I have lost my sleep. I’m lost in a pit full of society. Yeah, that bloody society who is the wall between us. Fucking world seriously. Fucking life. Animals have a better life than us. They just want food and sex. They survive only for food and sex, not for a big house, not for a luxury car, not for dresses, not for expensive phone. They just have sex with whom they want to do. They just eat food go about their lives and then die. No other desires from life. I am just lost ………………………..


One Comment

  1. I m from India too. You know you have to stop thinking about him still. He’s married now. I think ur age is less than 22. You should realize that life isn’t only for love. And u don’t have other frnds so u r feeling lonely. You should start making friends. And u should have a goal in ur life, instead of using all ur precious time to think about him, u should use that time to prepare for IAS. I m also lonely, and introvert, right now my goal is to become IPS officer.

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