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I found out that I am not the over-confident guy I used to be

I was born to that perfect family where the world starts and ends with the family itself. My parents cared for me so much that they always kept an eye on me. I ended up turning into a sensitive guy who is awkwardly silent at parties. I never learnt social interactions and preferred to stay away from meeting people, to stay away from taking responsibilities, away from parties. But I was over-confident when it comes to studies, sports and extra-curricular activities. Till I was 17, I never faced any serious challenge. I failed at my first serious challenge. That was the first time I realized how much expectations my parents had on me. I took a year to face the same challenge. This time I worked hard almost every day and night. Surprisingly, I found out that I am not the over-confident guy I used to be. I started to doubt my abilities even though statistics told I should easily succeed. That doubt became so huge that I had a psychological break down. I fell into depression and I failed the challenge again. The depression consumed me, turned me into a person who has no purpose, no light and no beauty. I sat in front of my laptop for months doing stuff while having no idea why I am doing what I am doing. I was feeling worthless. I can’t share my feelings with anyone because no one can relate to them or at least act like they understand them. Everyone listens to me when I have an emotional outburst but they expect everything to go normal after that. But that feeling of guilt and worthlessness stuck. I tried to share a small bit of my life with my mother but she did not understand the gravity of what I am feeling. Finally, I realized that only I can get myself out of this situation. I started to analyse my entire life and found out why I am where I am. I forced myself to be tough and face my fears. I changed a lot during this phase. I turned from being a sensitive kid to a tough adult. I was proud and satisfied with how my life turned out to be. For the first time in my life, I was confident of where I was going with life. Then out of nowhere, I fell back to my old habits. The feeling of worthlessness and guilt started to haunt me again. I feel like everything is bleak and lost my view on my existence in this world. I am not sure of anything anymore. I know how I got out of this situation before but I am unable break the surface of this opaque layer of darkness. I learnt what is love, I learnt the importance of family but even with the knowledge, I am avoiding both. I stay alone most of my time, trying to pass the time by watching movies while having a tiny hope of getting to connect to the protagonist of the movie. I don’t know if anyone will ever read this and even if someone does, whether they will understand what I am going through. I just wanted to put it here because it gives me a comfort that my troubles aren’t locked up anymore but they are open and someday they will become light enough to float away with the flow of air. I know that I am not going through this alone. Different people from different corners of the world are facing this. If possible, we can face this together.

One Comment

  1. Hi,
    I have no idea who you are or where you are from but I stumbled upon your article and I can totally understand because I can relate to many of the feelings you’ve described. Now, I am aged 33 and at a point of my life where all of a sudden I have lost the motivation, focus and feel so empty.

    I was good at my job and for some reason, I don’t enjoy it. My wife and I going further from each other because no one really understands what I am going through. Anyways, I will conclude my story here for today.

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