Today I sit before you broken. It’s a feeling I felt before several times, it’s like not having the strength to hold on and also nowhere to fall. Death is like a reward but yet, it is unreachable. I wish that I would know what to do or where to go but I don’t. I don’t have anyone to talk to, so I’m writing my thoughts here. Don’t know why. I supposed to be a leader and a role model, in the real world, but what kind of a role model hits rock bottom and can’t get up? Yet I have to return and put on my mask. A mask of a role model because I went too far to give up. Like a slave to life, can’t escape and have no more energy to go on…
Everything I did, I wanted to be happy and make as many people happy as I could. I thought if we all will go to god he will answer. I thought that our company can provide everyone with an income and people in need could have a real helping product. And for people who wanted this I wanted to show the way to happiness and love. But I failed to go there myself, I love everybody but I’m not happy. And I have to put on the captain hat in a ship with people who want to go to the promised land. Now I know, there is no promise land. Now it’s very painful to see my family suffering of that dream, and I became the person that gave them this pain. And the boats are burned, I see this ship sinking, but my family has no lifeboats. I don’t give a fuck if I drown, but its unbearable to see my loved ones drowning. And seeing this I became a monster who just worseness their pain. I just can’t tell my wife who I love so dearly that this is the end.
When I wanted to be god and help people I became a devil and created suffering. Sure, maybe I helped a few people, but mostly I harmed and deprived people of hope. And what to do now? Continue to be the devil till my family and all passengers drown? I have no alternative, I have to lie that everything will be ok, everybody is counting on me and lifeboats are burned. There is no coming back for this ship, just drown in faith. But something in me died today. I don’t know what, my faith is hanging by the string now. I feel it disappearing.
The real world
Last 6 months I tried to reach the better world. I thought this can’t be all that is, I thought I have a soul, a higher self for help and a purpose. I thought my purpose is to find a better world or a better way of living to me, my family and people in general. Now I am broken and have no idea about that, and all I am left with is this world with suffering, bullshit and injustice. Can’t kill myself and can’t live at the same time. All this time I had faith that this is the matrix, and we will break free of it, I now I understood that this is all we got. And we are fucked, human kind is on its way to extinction, and my ship crashed I so this means other ships are crashing to. So, admit that I’m an ape and continue filling my primal needs? Eat, shit and fuck?
I have been in ajahuasca ceremony, when I thought I saw the truth. I understood that only thing that’s real is love. But why when I love unconditionally I get so much pain? Why when I pray things only get worse? I have no confirmation of that information I got and now starting to think that it was just my imagination on drugs. So, that means all I thought was false? So, that love is just a word? I created a fairy tale and its caught up to me and hit me so hard I’m paralysed.
World of masks
One thing I am certain that I’m not the only one, I just have one alternative – put on my mask and go to this masquerade. I think I am not the only one. And why? For me it’s too painful to tell everybody, especially my family, WE ARE ALL FUCKED. For others, I don’t know. Just continue my role and hope that the death will be less painful. The ship is sinking and the captain has nothing to do but act as if everything is normal.
I can only say HELP. Sending this SOS signal from a sinking ship to nowhere. I just have nothing more to do, I feel all that I would do to save us will only make it worse. And truly, I have no energy for it. It’s getting hard even tipping this. So, putting this letter in a bottle and throwing it in the sea. I still love you. Hope someday we will find the way to be happy, till then hope you will be strong.