I know that maybe nobody cares what I would share with you right now, but I need to get it off from my chest somehow and I think this website can make me feel better by sharing my inner pain.
Straight to the point: I realized I am attracted to boys. Gays aren’t treated well in my country so I have to pretend to be a person who I am not. Thought that if I connected to people like me on the Internet, I would feel better and I was happy for quite some time.
I met this guy online who I would name J.H. for the purpose of this piece of writing. J.H. made me feel so special and for some reason I thought we have known each other for years. He was very kind and cute. I admit nobody has ever made me feel that happier in my life. The problem was that he lived so far away, but it was okay – we promised to ourselves that we would do anything possible to meet.
Just after Christmas, something happened with him. He stopped talking to me and he was trying to distance from me. Once I managed to reach to him, he told me he had been thinking about me all day long and that he wanted to meet me, but the distance is too much and he felt like crying. I think I succeeded in calming J.H. down, but since the next day for about a week he distanced himself even more. I was so worried and I have been trying to reach him every way I managed to think of – no success. I was quite sure that he saw every text I sent him but he didn’t want to answer me. Week after that I asked him to tell me what’s going on, I thought I did something wrong, that I’ve messed somewhere. Then he answered me something like: “You are an amazing guy and I think you are really sweet, but there is this guy who’s living much closer and I have feelings for him. I feel so terribly sorry.” And that was it, he didn’t go online since then.
I feel so bad because J.H. was the first person I came out to and he had feelings for me, I am more than 100% sure, but yeah, it all finished that. I know I have to move on, but I don’t want to, because here where I live, people like me and J.H. are hated, treated like waste and I can’t just be who I really am.
Sorry if I annoyed you with my story. Hope that you understand how I feel and that I have to share this with someone, but as I said above – I can’t tell anyone in my country, even my friends, because I don’t know how they would react.