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Sometimes I would get into this extreme feeling of self-hate

Well I would first like to start off by saying I am a teen. I do understand that hormones can make you all wacky. But I’m beyond hormones at this point honestly.
I whole heartedly believe there is something wrong with me.
I’m fifteen and since about the age of 6 or 7 I have wanted to kill myself.
Not because I was extremely sad or depressed… or maybe I was…. Idk I never felt sad I was very much so and still am a happy kid. I was an introvert then still am now kind… I’ll explain later heh. But I mean I had friends still do… To be honest not much has changed since I was 7.
Anyway I always had this feeling of just wanting to die. It would always involve a gun until I got older and started thinking about rope but that quickly got replaced with knives and razors as those didn’t directly associate themselves with how much I weighed. And yea I’ve always been the fat kid. It doesn’t really bother me though. I mean in my younger years I didn’t really care. I made holes about it and still do.
However sometimes I would get into this extreme feeling of self-hate. Like it someone else saying these things to me and I knew they were true. There was no lie or sense of me belong taken over by some little voice in my head.
It was more like I would severely hate myself whilst not just talking to myself*
Back to the suicide thing I would think about it for a couple of days and then it would go away. Why how I don’t really know it would just be there one day and gone the next.
Now let’s fast forward a bit and I’m older now but still young maybe like 10 or 11. I still have these thoughts but they go away for a while. But comeback full force in middle school. I’m not some emo kid slashing their wrists nor am I down I downing pills and such.
Um ok just lost my track of thought anyway so there’s that.
* I also have people in my head.
And no I don’t mean voices or multiple personalities like … When you eat out or something and you eat just the right amount of food. Like your full but not super ughh full you know. So, that’s how my head is all the time a good full feeling but it’s mostly blank. My head gets pretty empty when I feel though. Like if I have a “episode” with tons of crying or pure anger my head feels empty and lonesome and just sad empty space and I absolutely hate it…
Uh this is it for now because I can’t really think right now… But if I post again this will be my tag

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