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Damn.. it’s been a year already

Damn… it’s been a year already since I resigned from my job. It’s been a year already that I chose to stay away from you. But why can’t I seem to forget you.

What about you? Do you still think of me? Babe! Babe! Babe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wrote letters every single time that you made me feel special. Every single time we talk, we kiss and even when we fought. Those letters that I shattered into pieces because I do not want to read them anymore, it reminded me of my feelings for you and you. I hate this feeling that does not seem to go away.

I hate this feeling that all the while I thought I am going to be okay but I am not.

I know it is not wrong for me to feel like this for you. I am just human. I feel things. But it is wrong to continue these feelings because we are both in relationship.

Before I met you, I am in love with my man with all my heart. I knew he is the one for me. We’ve been together for a long time already.

And you, you have an amazing girlfriend. And so pretty as well. I know that for you she is the one as well. I know that she is extra special because no matter how many girls you seemed to flirt, you stick to her. It is like no matter how many times you messed up, you return to her… she is your home. You belong to her.

I saw your eyes when the two of you broke up. And it is the first time that I see through the eyes of a person… you are broken without her.

I know that I will never have a place in your heart.

I know that you did not intend to make me fall for you. I know that what you had in your mind is not a romantic thing. I know that you only wanted sex and no strings attached.

I know that if I let my feelings get out of control… I will be someone that I never ever wanted to be. That is why I chose to be right. I chose my principle.

I do not even know if you ever had the feeling of…. you know… you like someone so much it hurts because you have soooo much feelings for the person but you cannot let it control you because you will end up messing things up and most of all hurting people you love. And with that overflowing feeling you need to coil it up inside because you have to choose between feelings – happiness or being right. A lot of people including me think it is easy to choose the right thing because it is the best thing to do. But no, it was not all the time! This is the first time I had ever experienced having a hard time to choose the right thing.

I do not know if you still think that I am existing. I do not know if you still remember me. Maybe you think of me somehow but maybe you are laughing because I am just another dumb girl who fell in your trap.

And damn! I cannot even fully get out. It is like some of me is still hanging.

I told my friends about you every single time…. and in the end I just made myself a fool.

I hate myself even more because I like you so much babe!!!! So much babe it hurts.

I do not know if I am making any sense here…

I probably do not.

Sometimes I asked myself why did you have to do nice things… why. You are too nice that in the end every girl falls your trap. I know I am just one of those girls you wanted to experience or just to play on.

I cried because I am hurting… I cried because I wanted to be with you but it will be wrong.

You said you wanted to be with me. You said many times you missed me. You said that there were times you think of me, remember me and miss me. You said you had a dream about us… it was just a sexual dream.

We went out twice and you are a different person when we are together. You said the first time did not work because you felt no connection. That is why we tried again but still the same happened… worst you left me.

In the end, I know that no matter how many times we tried… we will never have that connection.

Maybe because we did not sex but maybe we can do sex but in the end, we might only regret it.

I made a mistake but this thought me a lot.

I do not know if I just like you before… but this time… I will admit it to the world and to myself…… I LOVED YOU BABE WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING I WAS FALLING ALREADY.

It is just that…. this… US is never meant to be.

So here is to letting go of you and your memories.

Thank you for the times that you made me feel special. Thank you for putting a smile on my face every time we talk. Thank you for the laughs when we just wanted to be silly. Thank you for being the person who calls me at night to talk to me till we say good night. Thank you for the times that you make just for me. Thank you for the drinks that you made for me when I am stressed out or just plain thirsty. Thank you for the hugs that cheered me up when I have not yet reach half of my shift I am tired already. Thank you for being an inspiration, just a sight of you at work is enough to get me through the whole service. Thank you for those kisses… those kisses that made me forget everything around me… Thank you because if it is not for you I will never be able to follow what I feel. Now I know that it is not selfish to sometimes let myself feel what I wanted to feel. Thank you for everything babe.

I wanted to say sorry to your girlfriend because I am one of the reasons why you have hurt her. I am sorry because you kissed another girl other than her.

I hope that someday you will stop playing around and be the guy that your girlfriend thinks you are. You are a wonderful person it is just that you tend to destruct yourself.

I do not know if we will ever cross paths again, I sure hope when we do…. we are both happy in the arms of the persons we love.

And for one last time… I wanted to say…. I LOVE YOU

Here is to letting go of you my babe. I wish I could say I won’t forget you but I can’t… I need to forget you. Good bye babe.

—– I know a lot of you will despise me because I had an affair. An emotional kind of affair. But you will not understand because I am just a girl in a long-time relationship but my boyfriend did not give to me what I deserve… a lot of guys have been courting me even when I am in a relationship because they know how s***ty my relationship was… I rejected them all but this babe I am mentioning… I was not successful. Thought that I could play a player’s game… but no… I was not successful because I fell for him. A lot of you might say I already know that I am in a s***ty relationship but why did I not went out. I am scared of losing the person…. I am scared of being alone… I never knew that till I met babe…. I am crazy alright

Please do not judge because you do not know the whole story… this is just my way of venting out my feelings.


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