I used to have 2 or 3 jobs and worked constantly. I had Brent and his best friend Rob. I had my child to raise. My reason for leaving New Mexico, ending my education and selling my trombones was motherhood. One week after turning 21 I was alone with this child. I made a promise to what, air? that I would give him everything I lacked. Home. Roots. A feeling of belonging.
The job is done. My son is now 25 and works for the college he graduated from. people love him. They look to him. His school was paid for thru hard work and scholarship. He is so smart.
I did what I was supposed to do.
Rob died suddenly of a heart attack one week before turning 45. Brent and I went into a tail spin. He found old lovers on this new thing FB. He found a woman who looked like me but wasn’t me. I was too, what?
I will never get the answers I seek.
Now the boy is a man and he has his life. He said he never wants to be in Oklahoma again. So maybe I should die someplace he wants to visit. Recover ashes and get a vaca. Who am I kidding. They would just mail me. Put me on the shelf.
I don’t own a home or a car. I don’t have a career anymore. Rob and Brent were it. I am a tax on resources. Soon the healthcare will disappear.
So will I.
I give myself extensions. Stay alive until you file your taxes, that’s the decent thing to do. Shit another commission I have to paint.
The people I loved so deeply and dearly, who I worked and sacrificed for died, left and grew up. I have nothing tethering me to this place anymore.
This world is sadder than I am and I don’t want to feel this anymore.