Right now, I’ve been having some struggles. I recently got out of a relationship, or I did last year on Labour Day, but the break up really impacted me emotionally. I’ve been emotionally depressed ever since then, and I have also felt alone. I shared with him my ENTIRE LIFE! He convinced me to let him read my journal, and I let him because I knew he’d take it to his grave. But what he did to me is something I have never really felt before. For the longest time throughout the time we hung out, he’d always try to hold my hand, but I pulled away because I was afraid that if I started to like him that he would eventually hurt me.
But when summer happened, what I feared became my reality. He took me to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 as our first date because he knew I’d been wanting to see it. Our second date was The Legend of Tarzan and that’s when things got farther into a relationship. We held hands, but we didn’t kiss. When he took me home, I watched him drive away wishing that we had kissed.
When school started again, he graduated the previous year, he came the first Tuesday of school and one of my close friends told us to kiss, so we did. He spent half his day waiting for me to finish my classes until I had to leave. We kissed one last time before I left and I knew I was happy. He always made me laugh and smile. He knew that if I said I was fine that I really wasn’t. We were even a nerdy “Let’s play Pokémon!” couple for a short time. I mean to be honest, he stood me up on our first date because he fell asleep, but I forgave him for that.
The break up however…. that…… that just hurt……… It hurt me so emotionally that he made me feel worthless. The whole time we spent talking on the phone together, I kept him from saying those three words because I knew that if he did, it would all go to hell. But I found out that without saying “I love you” in a relationship, it will end anyway no matter what. What he did to me hurt! I say that again because it felt like he literally stabbed a knife through my heart, twisted it, ripped it out of my chest, stomped on it, poured gasoline on it, lit it on fire and watched. That’s how it felt.
The worst part is…. is how he broke up with me. He sent me a text saying that they had something to tell me and that he couldn’t lie to me anymore. At first I was really confused. He told me that he had a girlfriend, and I knew it wasn’t me he was talking about. He told me that he had to tell me because he didn’t want to kill our relationship. I yelled at him of course. I told him that he knew everything about me, read my journal, and then lied to my face, kissed my lips, pretended to be someone he wasn’t and tore my heart from my chest. It was like he was playing a game. Seeing who he liked the most and chose her.
Eventually he sent me a text a few days later saying that it was his girlfriend that sent the text and not him, but that he did mean to tell me eventually. I honestly couldn’t believe any of his bull shit because he leads me on! He led me on the previous year when he was still going to school! What kind of guy does that to someone, kisses them, then says “Oh, by the way, before you find out yourself, I have a girlfriend?” What kind of dick headed person does that to someone!? I can answer that question myself, but I am emotionally hurt by him. I have been since labour day of last year.
I hate him so much! He caused this emotional depression when he lied to me. When he tried so hard not to tell me he loved me. He made me feel WORTHLESS! Like I was a NOBODY! Like I was just someone there until he found SOMEONE ELSE TO REPLACE ME! He made me feel like I was just a girl he could woo into his own personal life then throw away later like I was NOTHING!
You know what the worst part is?…………………………………………………He……………………………doesn’t………………………………..know.
I……..haven’t……..told………him………..anything. He doesn’t know that he’s caused my emotional depression, and I don’t know if he ever will, because he doesn’t care enough to keep our “friendship” alive.
Sorry, for my stupid rant. By typing this, it still doesn’t help. But thanks for reading if you did. 🙂