How have you been? I hope you’ve been well. You probably won’t read it but I thought, why not.
I’ve known you for very long. From when we were still kids. We have so many memories together. The good and the bad. I cherish every moment we had.
When I talked to you again the first time, I never thought I would fall for you this hard. I thought it was good for me to reach out to you again. And never thought we would have a what we had before, even though it’s only for a while. When I talked to you that night, I felt so disappointed and you betrayed me really bad. Maybe my expectation was too high. You warned me, I think, but I chose to ignore it since I’ve been blinded by how I felt or feel about you. You know how I regret every moment of that night? I was so disappointed at you. I thought why would you do this to me. You said all these things and I believed you. I believed you because I thought I knew you, and you seemed so sincere. It was hard for you to express it but you took the courage and you did. That’s what made me believed you. I loved and still love you for the person you are. I never expected you of anything. I never asked for anything except of you to be loyal and be by my side every step of the way in every moment. I would do the same to you. I love how you always know what to do in any situation. I love how you always shared your thoughts with me, and all I wanted was for you to do that, to share everything’s happening in our lives with each other. To support and to grow together. All I ever did was to love you, and never love anyone like that. I guess karma is a bitch, huh? I hurt you before and it came back to me. But still, you betrayed me, and it hurts so bad. I never felt like that in my life. I shut you out for a while. I might have hurt you by doing that, and I am sorry for that. Maybe it’s the reason why you moved on so fast. I have done it to you in the past, and I did that the last time we talked. Maybe you were pissed at me as well, I am not sure. I should never done that, but I was being protective of myself. I have no clue on how to fix this problem of mine. I tend to shut people off, but I didn’t mean to be rude. Maybe I just don’t know how to face the situation, run away, shutting people off.
When I got your letter, I thought maybe there was a chance for us to be us again, but unfortunately not. I still kept it, you know? I know it seems silly but whenever I think about you, I always read either the letter, our conversations, or the video. Those are the only pieces of mine that I have about you. It reminds me of how happy I was.
When I heard that she was going to fly across the globe to see you, I was crushed. I felt helpless. I don’t know what to do, and I hate feeling like that. I cannot compete with that. I knew in that moment that there was no chance of me to be with you anymore. She would always win. After all those time, I was so caught up with myself, focused on how you were unfair and how you made me feel disappointed. I was so angry at myself. I felt like a fool and vulnerable. I was crushed like I never before. I blocked you from my life, blocked you from my social media. I wanted to forget everything since I can’t help the sadness it causes from being reminded of you. My selfishness ate me up, without looking at the other side of the story – which is yours, from your point of you. Someone made me realized that maybe there was something in my part as well. I am not the girl that shows her feeling that fast, tend to keep it to myself. When I truly care about someone, I never explicitly say it, I’d rather show it through actions. One of it is to always be there for someone I care about. But I can’t really express it through words. I am also a kind of person who is afraid to be vulnerable in front of anyone, especially earlier in the relationship. I would do anything on my own if I can. But maybe you need someone that’s not like that. Maybe you need someone who can be vulnerable around you, makes you feel needed. Someone who can express it through words. Someone you can spoil and someone who can also spoil you. Which in this case, may not be me, but her. It’s not that I wanted to, but I honestly don’t know how. She gave you things that I was never able to give. She makes you happy, or at least that’s what I hope. This person made me realized that maybe I was unable to give what you need the most, that’s why you ended up choosing her. Maybe he was right. She makes you happy in a way I can’t. I started to accept the decision you made – not that you need my approval or anything. I believe you are a good person, and never meant to hurt anyone. You chose what you thought was best, and that’s perfectly fine. I am happy for you, I really do. I hope she makes you happy and you being happy is all I can ask for.
Actually, do you know what I regret the most of the situation. The fact that I can’t be in your life anymore because I shut you off and the whole situation. That was what made me scared the most when I decided to talk to you that night. It happened. Well, what’s happened happen. I wish I could still be in your life, just as a friend. A friend you can always count on in any kind of situation. It would still make me happy. It is actually enough for me. I know it is too late but a girl can dream, huh? Well, I can only hope that you will be happy, and someday when we meet, we would move past everything, and start over, to be friends again.