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I have difficulties to form any deep, meaningful relationship

I have difficulties to form any deep and meaningful relationships, like I never have someone who I trust enough to express my true self without fear of being judged. My parents are really bad at understanding and sharing emotions, feelings. They are insecure and not comfortable to be themselves even with other family members. So, I grow up lack of communication with my family. I am a little gifted so my parents think I am a smart kid that can handle life without their guidance but the more I grow up, the more I am become insecure. I ended up with a fear to talk to people because I think I am inferior to them, I don’t have a life. Despite I am can do well in school but never have the passion or enthusiastic, I do it because it’s only one of the thing I can do well. In school I can’t make close meaningful friendship. I have opportunities, however, I screwed it and betrayed my friend’s trust several times. I feel guilty about it and it lower my self-imagine. Since I never talk with anyone about my feeling, not with parents who don’t understand emotion things better than me, not with the friends who are also screwed up as me. In my country, there are not many mental doctor, and good one is just handful, so I let it eat me from inside for so many years. 20 years passed by, from outside view, (well, it’s also my perception of myself in an objective view based on how people interact with me) I am quite a good looking young person, with high intelligent, friendly, humorous and genuine. However, my self-image is terrible one. I perceive myself as a person who don’t have a life, no passion, no meaningful relationship. My existence is series of insecurity and worries about how should I act to appear to be normal. I act quite well to maintain a bright outside; however, my inside is hollow and decayed as days passed by. I want so much a healthy meaningful relationship, I want to have a family who members can trust and share, can laugh at other’s fault as the way of life. I want to have close friends who I can trust. A relationship that bring me warm and fire. I want so many things but I lack the courage to take actions. I am in the loop hole that I was trapped in by myself. WHAT SHOULD I DO TO ESCAPE THIS PRISON OF MIND?

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